Tired

I am mentally fried. I've been working all weekend in order to make up for some of the time I missed with the knee injury. I still have at least an hour or two of stuff that I could be doing. Maybe later. I'm sick of it right now. Still it's very nice that I can work from home. I would have already burned up all my sick leave by now. I will be out of work at least 3 full days with the surgery, plus there are the further PT and follow-up doctor appointments.

Speaking of PT, that went really well. The therapist showed me some exercises to start strengthening my leg and some that she will have me do after the surgery to get back to normal (as normal as I ever get anyway). She was one of those medical professionals that seem so rare anymore - someone who actually takes the time to explain things. I hate when medical people either condescend to me or just assume that I'm going to blindly follow their god-like decrees with no explanation. But this lady was nothing like that at all - she explained what each exercise was supposed to accomplish as well as what the entire PT process would accomplish. She really made me want to work at this because I can easily see that such work will provide me with a tangible result. I was so apprehensive about this and I feel so great about it now.

Finally, just an observation - I've been hitting the NaBloPoMo randomizer (that doesn't seem to be terribly random) as well as the blogger random button and noticed that MOST of the bloggers out there seem to be women. Have you all found this to be true? I mean, look at my links over there - only one of them is for a guy. Why is this the case? Or is it just a function of NaBloPoMo and Blogger? Maybe other blog hosting sites have way more men? Maybe we just can't shut the hell up in any forum? Who knows??? It just kind of struck me as interesting.

Oh gross - I just saw a turducken put together on the Food Network. I don't care how it tastes - that just seems kind of obscene to me. I once read about a recipe for a hot dog with hamburger wrapped around it and bacon wrapped around that. Do we REALLY need to be pigs like this???

I promise

I do solemnly swear that I will NEVER give someone a raspberry again. Because this is what it REALLY looks like!!

More recipes

The first recipe is going to be wildly imprecise - this is something I never really measure. If you like more mushrooms, use more mushrooms. Go crazy. Have fun.

Wild Rice Casserole

1 - 1 1/2 cups wild rice
4 - 5 cups of chicken stock (preferred) or broth
3 tbsp butter
3/4 cups each finely chopped yellow onion, celery, portobella mushrooms
1 can water chestnuts, diced
1/4 - 1/2 cup soy sauce
1 small bag of slivered almonds, toasted

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a large covered saucepan, simmer rice and chicken stock for 45 - 60 minutes. Rice should be mostly opened, yet still hold some firmness.
While rice is simmering, melt butter in large skillet over medium heat. Saute onion, celery, and mushrooms until tender, but not brown.
Drain rice and RESERVE THE REMAINING STOCK/BROTH (more on this later).
Combine rice, vegetables, water chestnuts, and soy sauce in a casserole dish. Sprinkle slivered almonds over top of casserole.
Cover and bake for 30 minutes until all ingredients are thoroughly heated.

You can make most of this well before serving. I usually make everything but the almonds the day before - if they sit in the casserole they get soggy. But sure to use the soy sauce to your taste. I like a lot, but most don't so I add more to my own plate.

About the reserved chicken stock/broth. My mom and I have discovered that if you use this reserved broth when making turkey gravy, you will have THE tastiest gravy ever. You also get the added thickening of the rice starches (though you still will have to use another thickener - we use cornstarch). The rice adds an amazing flavor to the chicken stock. If you're not making a turkey (or anything else that needs a gravy/sauce), freeze the reserved stock until you do. If you REALLY don't want to keep it, email me and I'll give the address where to ship it C.O.D.!!!!

One thing I've done is cooked up cubed chicken breasts and added it to this with some parmesan cheese - a whole meal in one bowl.

Ok now for a more precise recipe. I am not a huge PB fan, but this is amazingly light and airy and really REALLY good. I found this in a magazine a couple of years ago and my whole family just loves it.

Peanut Butter Pie

1 prepared chocolate cookie pie crust (or graham cracker)
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 cup sugar
8 oz cream cheese (at room temperature)
12 oz container of thawed Cool Whip (I should a put a TM thing here, but oh well)
1 jar of hot fudge topping (about 12 oz)

In a medium bowl, use a hand mixer on medium low to beat together the peanut butter, cream cheese, and sugar.
Gently fold in about 2 cups of the Cool Whip.
Spoon mixture into pie shell, using a spatula to smooth mixture to edges of pie.
Reserving 2 tbsp of fudge, place remaining fudge in microwave safe bowl or glass measuring cup for 1 minute or until melted. Stir.
Spread hot fudge over pie to cover entire peanut butter layer.
Refrigerate until serving time (at least 1 hour).
Just before serving, spread the remaining Cool Whip over the hot fudge layer, being careful not to mix the two layers.
Place 2 tbsp hot fudge into baggie and knead for a few seconds. Cut a tiny hole in the corner of the baggie and drizzle fudge over pie.
Repeat this procedure with 2 tbsp of creamy peanut butter.

I was going to blog about my physical therapy appointment, but I'm so hungry now that I gotta go eat!! I hope you try and like these recipes.

I can't wait for Turkey day!

I am not a fan of sweet potatoes. I think they taste like....well....like yucky. But my husband seems to like them, so every big holiday I make that revolting sweet potato/marshmallow thing. That thing just looks so gross and it cannot be good for you. I found this new recipe from the Food Network that seems slightly less offensive and I thought I'd give it whirl. Hubby said he'd be willing to try it out. If any readers have had anything like this, let me know. I'll post my famous wild rice casserole recipe tomorrow.

Sweet Potato Casserole

2 1/2 lbs sweet potatoes (about 3 large), scrubbed
2 large eggs, lightly beaten with a fork
3 tbs unsalted butter, melted plus more for preparing the pan
2 tbs packed dark brown sugar
1 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
pinch of freshly grated nutmeg (I'm subbing dried here)
freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup coarsely chopped pecans

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Put the sweet potatoes on a baking sheet and pierce each one 2 or 3 times with a fork. Bake for 45 to 60 minutes or until tender. Set aside to cool.

Turn the oven down to 350 degrees F. Scoop the sweet potato out of their skins and into a medium bowl. Discard the skins. mash the potatoes until smooth. Ad the eggs, butter, brown sugar, salt cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and pepper to taste. Whisk the mixture until smooth.

Butter an 8x8 inch casserole. Pour the sweet potato mixture into the pan and sprinkle the top with the pecans. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes until a bit puffy. Serve immediately.

Darn

I missed a day. I am a NaBloPoMo failure. I was REALLY tired last night and just collapsed - that's why I'm doing this at 4 am. Oh well - I didn't smoke yesterday. I more interested in keeping quit day to day than I am in posting.

Strange

I just read a story that TV Land and Entertainment Weekly have come up with a list of the 50 greatest TV icons - this will air on some channel some time..I didn't really pay attention to that. I get kind of sick of these X number of greatest Y lists. (Although this list apparently puts Johnny Carson first - I gotta agree with that. I STILL miss him at 10:30.) Anyway, what struck me as strange is that I went to the TV Land website to see the whole list and apparently this thing is sponsored by Chantix. I have to wonder why Chantix would choose to sponsor this event, of all things. I just find it kind of ironic given how many early TV shows were sponsored by tobacco companies. I didn't see the whole list, but I would assume that many of these "icons" are going to be from older shows (e.g. I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, etc.) where smoking was A-OK. Maybe the makers of Chantix are trying to target all those folks who grew up smoking right along with those shows and are now trying to quit. I actually find that kind of infuriating for people in that demographic. (I may miss Johnny but I Love Lucy and The Honeymooners were WAY before my time.) To go years and years seeing all that cigarette advertising and now have to sit through quit smoking advertising. Honestly - I'm thrilled that I was able to quit smoking with this pill, but...I don't know...it seems so pushy to be sponsoring this thing. Maybe I'm being weird, but I just find the whole thing slightly distasteful. Does anyone remember what killed Mr. Carson?? Emphysema. I guess Chantix was too late for him.

Ok, now I'm REALLY going to bed.

One break - please

I've managed to pick up a cold. I've been sitting on my couch for most of the past three days so I'm not really sure how this is possible. My head feels about 2 sizes too big. I'm off to bed soon. Cheers. *sniff, achoo, hack*

:)

Hey Ya!

I can't lie anymore - here's what *really* happened:

(click pic to see)

Veteran's Day

Thank you so much to all the brave veterans out there as well as those actively serving right now - especially Chris Dx.

Here's a link to the history of how the day became a holiday. As Maggie noted, this is not supposed to be about a day off work or getting a good deal on sheets at Penney's.

Hahaha

Someone left me this comment on my MySpace page. Too funny. Although I didn't go head over heels.

Here's what we had for dinner.

Sherry Pork Chops (my mom discovered this recipe)

4 thick cut boneless chops, trimmed of fat
1 - 2 tbsp olive oil
1 - 2 cloves garlic, minced
1 beef bouillon cube
1/2 teaspoon tarragon
1/2 cup dry sherry

In a large skillet, heat olive oil on high.
Brown chops on both sides.
Turn heat down to medium low and add the remaining ingredients
Cover and cook over low heat about 45 minutes or until chops are tender
**I always turn the chops once during this process...also check that the liquid has not evaporated....add more sherry or water if this occurs....the sauce is to die for***

Dauphin Potatoes (from a Dayton's cookbook)

4 large russet potatoes
6 - 8 cloves garlic, minced
2 cups shredded Gruyere cheese
salt and pepper to taste
1 1/2 cups whipping cream

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Peel and slice potatoes to about 1/8 inch thickness. Soak in cold water several hours or overnight. Pat completely dry.
Put 1/4 of potatoes in a single layer in a 9x13 baking dish. Sprinkle with 1/4 garlic and 1/4 cheese. Salt and pepper to taste.
Repeat this 3 times to make 4 total layers
Cover with foil and bake for 1/2 hour
Remove foil and return to over for another 1/2 hour
***This dish is incredibly rich and not for the shy of fat/calories. It may not be the best thing for you, but it's DELICIOUS. I've had times when the potatoes were too thick or I misjudged and wound up with 3 layers - tasted fine.***

We are total dorks

We're sitting here like brain-dead zombies watching Ninja Warrior. They redesigned the course and it's all very exciting!!! I blame my son for getting us hooked on this inanity. I don't know what it is about this show - maybe the camp factor. Or maybe we're just tacky and have bad taste...I dunno.

What else is going on? My husband bought a jar of Planter's Peanuts. On the back of the jar there's the list of ingredients - "Peanuts, salt, etc..." and then there's a disclaimer that reads - "CONTAINS: PEANUTS" Ummm...yeah...we were kind of WANTING that. The word "peanut" is on the PEANUT-SHAPED jar in at least eight other spots. So...WE GET IT.

Knee news: I had to take a Vicodin last night. I was really disappointed. I haven't taken one of those in over a week. I'm not a big fan of narcotics (and I rarely drink) - waaaaaay too much of a control freak to enjoy being buzzed/drunk. (Ok ok....for those of you that *REALLY* know me....that should read, "to enjoy it ANYMORE.") Anyway - the pain in my knee has changed from a sharp, stabbing surprising thing to a dull ache. It's as if my knee is just quietly sobbing. No big outbursts, no tantrums, no screaming....just a consistent, heart-wrenching sobbing. Well it was keeping me awake so I finally caved and took a pill. I hate this.

My orthopedic surgeon approved me for a handicapped parking sticker. On the form he had to fill out, he had to estimate a date of full recovery. He put 4/1/08!!!! OMG!!! Are you kidding me??? How depressing. Maybe he was just trying to go as far out as possible - I hope. Sheesh. I wouldn't have asked for the parking sticker if we didn't have winter coming up. The nice weather has not been that much of a problem, but I didn't want to be dancing around icy/slushy/snowy parking lots on crutches. I'd probably just wind up tearing up my other ACL. Did I mention that I hate this?

I know someone who has a rotator cuff injury that also needs surgery. We were arguing about who's injury was worse. I think I have to concede to the rotator cuff. I'm not all that active a person - sitting around reading, watching TV/movies, surfing/blogging is what I'd be doing anyway! But not having use of an arm would be really bad. Now, if I wind up on crutches for 6 weeks, then I think I get the title back - you can't use EITHER or your arms when you're on crutches. We'll see how it goes.

I hate to end this post on a downer. Dylan went up to help his grandparents with some outside work. He's such a great kid. I asked him if he could take time out of his long weekend to help them out and he was MORE than happy to do it. It's also nice that he can drive up there on his own and just handle it. I'm sure we all know a lot of teenagers who would have refused or whined all the way through it - but none of that from D. He's so great. I cannot believe how incredibly lucky I am to just have a nice kid. So many teenagers are so completely unpleasant to be around - just surly and ugly. But Dylan is usually happy and cheerful. (His little brother is an entirely different story - that kid is like a mood hurricane.)

Well I've raved on for quite a bit here - and my favorite NW competitor is about to go!!! Yay!!

Well this is embarrassing

All that time spent in grad school and this is what I get? Well that was money well spent. I'll have to start using big and/or obscure words on here from now on. *sigh*

Get a Cash Advance

I missed another one!

I missed another one of my own anniversaries!! Yesterday was the 3rd calendar month smoke free (except for that one). One more month and the evil smoker penalty will come off my health insurance.

Most days I don't even think about it. The accident has caused some stress which has made me wish for one - but the thought of dragging my limpy self off to the store for smokes is just absurd. It's only ever a very fleeting thing anyway.

I have my first physical therapy appointment next week. I'm supposed to have some sessions before the surgery to strengthen the leg - I haven't been using it much and it's really weak. We did some shopping last night and I didn't wear my brace. I figured the shopping car would be enough support. NOT REALLY. By the end it really hurt as did my good leg - it was getting all my weight. Hopefully the PT will help me work some of these issues out. I've never had PT of any kind - does it help? Is it horrible? Let me know.

It's 4 am crazy time!!

Don't ask why I'm up.

I've been hitting the NaBloPoMo randomizer button for about an hour. There are some strange rangers out there. I found a post about the evils of alcohol (maybe so....but I'll always have wine in my house) and a link to 20 things that are more dangerous to kids than lead paint in toys. One of the 20 was shampoo. Uh....sorry - I'm gonna insist that the boys shampoo. The guy was a nut - apparently every product in the known universe contains carcinogens - including sunscreen. OH WAIT - that should be every product except the ones this guy kept pimping. He kept referring to a natural products website. Nice. Subtle. Must be a shareholder (unless capitalism causes cancer as well??).

I find fanatics of all kinds to be really scary. Believe what you want to believe....but when you start ranting and preaching and refusing to accept reason or reality....well I have no time for you. Crazy. I think the scariest fanatics are those that insist that some *thing* is the cause/root of all evil and all the problems in their lives or the world. Laundry soap caused my cancer! Pat Conroy made my daughter promiscuous! South Park made my kids swear! Klaatu the space clown made me do it! I understand things happen to people. Bad things. People can be hurt by random things. Maybe some products are dangerous. Maybe Klaatu the space clown is real. But what are the alternatives? Live in a plastic bubble. Shield yourself from life. Spend all your time hating and festering?

Maybe I should start a national campaign against stairs. Or heels. They hurt ME...so obviously none of YOU should get to make any choices about using them. I'm also going to ignore the fact that billions of sure-footed folks gaily traipse up and down the stairs billions of times a day. That's irrelevant. Because of my ONE RANDOM THING....no one should use stairs. Ever again. I think I'll also insist that the lawmakers require all of us to install elevators in our dangerous, multi-story homes.....at our own expense. We'll have to start a new alphabet agency. How about....STEP = Stairs Traumatizing Every Person? I'll have to get some celebrity endorsements. Maybe Britney....I bet stairs are not her friend. Then I'll have to find a sad politician with no real ideological foundation or belief system to make a documentary about it. (Keep in mind that my celebrity and politician will continue to use stairs...it's the rest of YOU who can't handle it and need protection.) I'll make the news show rounds and get into a screaming match with Olbermann or O'Reilly. At some point during the scream fest, I'll tear up a little and yell, "Think about the children!!!" That's the best way to scare people - I'll have some horrible images of crumpled children at the bottom of stairs doctored up. Maybe I'll get some crazies to hang around stair-areas and spray the users with blood or throw crutches at them. At some point, maybe a photographer will catch me on the stairs. I'll have to make the news show rounds again for my mea culpa tour.

I'm going to be really busy. I'd better get to bed and rest up for all of this.

Waaaahhh!

It's surgery. !#!#@%%$^%$$#@#@#!@!

Icky stuff below - don't read if you're squeamish.

My ACL is completely torn in half. This is not fixable. The surgeon will have to harvest from my hamstring and like fashion a new ligament. YUCKY!!! (There's another option, but it's even yuckier as it involves the word "cadaver.") Also, it appears that my cartilage (meniscus) is also torn. The MRI was not clear about how bad that tear is. If he does have to do extensive repairs to the cartilage, then I will be in a brace AND on crutches for six weeks. I'm really hoping that the cartilage isn't too bad. Six weeks is a long time. The surgery will take place the end of the month. Boo hoo.

In other depressing news, I had a little panic attack at the top of the steps last night. I looked down and just got kind of sick feeling and panicked. The dreams are still bad too. This just seems so silly to me. Like my own mind is torturing me. There are WAY worse things that happen to people and they function just fine. It makes me feel totally self-absorbed and babyish to still be freaking out about the steps.

Enough of my knee....it's getting boring even to me.

I read today that a high school in West Virginia is banning books by one of this country's best contemporary authors - Pat Conroy. Two of his books were assigned in an ADVANCED OPTIONAL English course.....for SENIORS. It seems that the parents feel that Mr. Conroy's books feature too much sex and violence. Are you kidding me? I can almost guarantee that Mr. Conroy's books are the TAMEST exposure these kids have had to sex and violence. The parents make it sound like it's two books full of bawdiness and smut. One poor, sensitive soul could not even finish reading it because it was so awful. I wonder if this woman has read the Bible lately. Pretty gory stuff in there.

It's pretty ironic that I read this news story today. I just re-read all of his books. One of them, the Prince of Tides, I have read to shreds. Mr. Conroy isn't for everyone, but I have loved every single thing he has written. His powers of description are astonishing. Make sure you read Beach Music (one of the "bad" ones) on a full stomach - the way he describes food will have you drooling. I could understand the problem if these kids were younger. As a parent I do believe that somethings are not appropriate for kids of certain ages. But for older children, I think a truly responsible parent will teach their kids how to understand and interpret the things they hear and see - not shield them forever.

Well - that was a big rant. I just hate the idea of censorship....especially in such a stupid case. I would be THRILLED if my boys ever read Mr. Conroy's works. A perfect example of how much more right he is than the parents is right here:

Because the two books were temporarily banned "every kid in that county will read them, every single one of them. Because book banners are invariably idiots," Conroy wrote in the letter published Oct. 24 in The Charleston Gazette. "They don't know how the world works — but writers and English teachers do."

Here's a link to the full story.

Claustrophobia

I never thought this was a problem for me. I do have to admit that the MRI machine kind of freaked me out yesterday - and I went in feet-first. I cannot imagine going into one of these things head-first. Note to self - request sedative before any head-first MRI. Also I had no idea the machine would be so loud. Think - klaxon. I felt like all of a sudden a military-sounding voice was going to start screaming, "Dive! Dive!" Weird. And OF COURSE the guy operating the machine couldn't tell me anything. That just frosts my cookies. I'm sure there are all sorts of ethical and legal reasons why a radiology tech can't tell you anything....but come on. These people have probably seen more of these images than any doctor. They have SOME idea of what's going on. I'm such an impatient person and it's just wildly frustrating knowing that some dude here in town KNOWS whether my ACL/MCL/meniscus are all torn up and I don't. GRRRRRR.

Rays of light

In the midst of all drama I have been so thankful for my boys. Dylan has been such a HUGE help - and without one single word of complaint. I don't think I would have made it through this last week without him. He has run errands, watched his brother, helped around the house, and has been completely upbeat, supportive, and understanding. Noah has been (mostly) an angel too. He really surprised us this evening when he began talking about a cornucopia. They made one in art class today. I was just shocked to hear him use such a big word. My sweet boys have kept me smiling despite all the bad stuff.

But hands down the funniest thing that happened this past week was from Dylan. He has a curfew of midnight on the weekends. At about 11:40 pm on Saturday night I get a phone call. "Hey Mom, doesn't that clock thing happen at midnight? I should get another hour." I never laughed so hard in my life. First I told him that the "clock thing" actually happens at 2 am, NOT midnight. I further asked him if he was willing to come home an hour EARLY next spring for the next clock thing. He said no. In any event, I felt he deserved points for creativity and for putting a smile on my face. He was allowed to stay out until 12:30.

I'd post a couple of pictures of my guys, but I'm blogging from the laptop and have no recent pictures on here.

I don't believe it

I missed my own bloggiversary. I started this little thing on 11/2/06. The title of my first post was "Wow I hope this isn't lame." And now here we are a year later and I am actually lame. That makes me giggle.

A new perspective

Here are some things I've learned about life with an injury and crutches:

1. Everything is much further away than it seems
2. Wow, I have really short arms
3. Pay attention to bathroom needs because (see #1)
4. We are a household of slobs - there seems to be a LOT of stuff scattered about my floors
5. I actually do have some muscles in my arms....and they HURT
6. The ground is really soggy early in the morning and will sink if enough pressure is applied
7. Stairs are scary
8. Curbs are annoying
9. There is no way to use crutches and carry an umbrella
10. "Don't make me get up" is a meaningless phrase to a 4 year old who knows you're on crutches
11. Cats have an uncanny ability to find the spot on your body that hurts the most - and flop down on it
12. Cats fear crutches
    
13. My soft squishy couch is really kind of a pain in the ***
14. From now on, every bathtub in every house I ever live in will be handicapped equipped/accessible - just in case
15. I'm whiny
16. There's nothing on TV
    

Chupa-update

A couple of months ago I blogged about someone finding a chupacabra carcass. Turns out it's just a coyote. I guess I'll stay a skeptic on all that other stuff too!

Where oh where?

Where have all the bloggers gone? It seems like every single blog in the world

h....a....s.......s....l....o....w....e....d.......w....a....y.......d....o....w....n.

What's going on? All those new non-smokers have so much new energy that they can't sit down long enough to blog? (I'm sure this is true of Miss M - all that coffee!;) All the political pundits gearing up for the big race? All the family bloggers hunkering down for the holidays? *sigh*

Y'all gotta get typin'! Have pity on your one poor lamed up reader!!! I've been guilty of this as well. It is really hard to do one of these things on a regular basis when you also have the rest of your life to handle. Kids, family, friends, work, keeping up a home - you have to prioritize. I sometimes feel like I'm just writing this to "hear" myself "talk." I'm not sure. Also I feel like the people that REALLY care about anything I write - well I talk to them all the time anyway. Who knows? There must just be some blogger malaise going around.

Guest Blogger

Tonight we will have Noah as a guest blogger. He wants to share some Halloween experiences with you.

Mommy said I could share some pictures with you.

First Mommy needs to get pictures off her camera sooner because these are not of my Halloween costume. These pictures are from "Talk Like A Pirate Day" at my school. I also think it's really scary that Mommy alphabetizes all her books. (Click and you'll see.)

Ok next we have me and my Daddy carving pumpkins.

It might look like Daddy is doing all the work (and he's CHEATING with that paper....I thought Daddy was an artist!), but really I'm supervising.

Also, someone has to stand around and be cute and charming. This is a lot of hard work for a boy.

Daddy is so into pumpkin carving that he has no idea I'm standing near all this dangerous stuff. He's very lucky that I'm such a good boy that I would NEVER get into naughty stuff. Mommy says I'm a devil-boy because my eyes are all red. She says I look like I'm just about to be really naughty. She's so wrong.

Daddy says this is supposed to look like a pirate ship. I don't think he knows what he's talking about. We never did get a chance to see it with a candle because Mommy fell down. She looks really funny with a big thing on her leg and crutches.

Finally, here is me dressed as a spooky skeleton (NOT Batman). Right after we took these pictures, my Grandpa took me out for trick-or-treating. I got lots and lots of candy and had a really good time.

Preliminary findings and crazy dreams

Saw the orthopedic surgeon yesterday. He feels I have stretched or torn my ACL, MCL, and medial meniscus (go look 'em up, it's kind of neat how a knee works on a non-clumsy person). I will be going in for an MRI on Monday to determine if it's a tear or a stretch. A tear means surgery. Bleh. The Dr. thinks it's a tear. Bleh bleh. In any event, it will be next Wednesday before I have the final news. He also said that I don't have to use the crutches AND wear the brace, but I have to use at least one of them. For some insane reason, he thinks I could fall and hurt myself. I have no idea where he would get such an idea! The knee still really hurts - especially if I move around too much. Luckily I have VERY nice bosses and they are cool with me working half-days in the office along with working from home. Hopefully I won't have to burn up too much of my leave. This is really going to be a horrible process. But like I said originally, it could be have been WAY worse. We have this huge glass and metal desk near the bottom of those steps - I could have bashed my fool head on that thing. Brr.

I have finally quit taking the Chantix. (And really, who needs Chantix or smokes when you have Vicodin??? hahahaha) I had kind of hoped that my crazy dreams were all done. This is not the case. I have been having horrible dreams where the fall happens again and again. It's very vivid and scary. I think I might have a touch of PTSD. I wake up waving my arms like I'm trying to keep myself balanced. I also keep hearing my own screams in my head. I honestly do not think I've ever screamed like I did when I finally hit the floor.

Wow this post seems like kind of a downer. I really don't feel too down, despite the circumstances. (Two other things happened since my fall - one REALLY horrible, and one bad like mine - but they are things that are VERY personal to other people so I don't feel it's appropriate for me to write about. Let's just say I hope this is the end of the bad luck for a while.) It's going to be a long haul, but I feel fairly upbeat. Honestly, I think the quit has helped. Now I can tell myself, "If I can quit smoking, I can SURELY do this!!" It's kind of a nice pick-me-up.

I HATE CRUTCHES

My arms hurt. By the time all this is over I'm going to have two buffed out arms, one really strong leg, and one shriveled up pale and wimpy leg.

Went to my family doctor today who basically took one look and said, "Orthopedic surgeon." This is an unhappy phrase. *sigh* I have an appointment with that guy on Wednesday. Looks like surgery and PT are in my future. Let's all pray for a LATE first snow in South Dakota this year, ok? Like.....March.

I've decided that you can all help me out. "I tripped over my own clumsy ass and flapped my useless arms down the steps" makes me sound like a drunk hippo. So let's come up with something better. My doctor recommended something having to do with dancing with those Chippendales guys, but that's not really my style. I'm thinking heroic. I think "tackled a mugger who just snatched an elderly lady's purse" sounds pretty good. I did consider "rescued a kitten from a tree" but that's what the fire department is for. So try to come up for some explanation for this injury that does not have an insult component to it.

Never a dull moment

The stairs are ok. I am not. They won.

I should just end this post now to make you all wonder what happened. I won't do that to you though.

I fell down a flight of stairs.

I've told the story about 100 times and I'm sick of it already so I'll make this brief. The heel of my shoe gave out, I ricocheted down the stairs - skipped most of them, clawed at the walls and for the railing (and missed, obviously), landed facing back at the stairs on my left leg, twisted that knee back around the other way, landed on my right knee facing away from the stairs, and shrieked my klutzy head right off. (Jeff and I just now tried to re-create this mishap with some Lego stairs and a Bionicle from a Happy Meal and it did not look pretty and my description above doesn't even come close to what actually happened.)

I scared the living daylights out of Jeff. He thought for sure I was broken to pieces. In any event, the ambulance came (how embarrassing), and I spent a couple of hours in the ER. As it turns out I miraculously managed to NOT break anything - just the other day Jeff was teasing that I'd never get osteoporosis because I eat cheese like a rabid mouse. Guess he was right. Aaaah the power of cheese.

However, my left knee made a very strange and horrible tearing and crunching sound when it twisted and there is some serious damage in there somewhere. I have a big immobilizing brace, crutches, some fun pain pills, and an appointment with an MRI machine. The ER doctor thinks I tore up my ACL? ALS? ABC? ligament or tendon or some damn thing. This generally requires surgery. My left knee is about twice it's normal size and I can't bend it without weeping. Fun.

It's happy pain pill time. More later.

*And hey - it could have been A LOT worse - my head, neck, and back are all cool...knees are way easier to fix than any of those things.*

So....

...here's what happened.

It was a bad couple of weeks culminating in a bad weekend leading to a bad morning. This is not an excuse - it just is what it is. In the throes of a tantrum (me??? a tantrum??? I know how shocked you all are, but stretch your imaginations ;), I bought a pack of cigarettes. Lovely lovely Winston's. I smoked one.

One.

It was such a bizarre experience. I suppose that my very first cigarette ever was similar, but I don't remember that far back (11? 12? 9?....I dunno). The first big lungful was just heaven - just a flood of sweet smoke and everything I had been missing.

BUT....

Then the taste. How can I describe this? 'Bottom of a shoe' is probably the closest I can get. It was so horrible. It just like coated the inside of my mouth and nose. Egaherblarghwerwyucky. The smell. Not good. All those times I walked by someone smoking and thought it smelled so good.....WRONG. It's one thing to walk by someone doing it....but it was in my nose and all around and just gross. Just holding the dang thing felt weird and foreign.

So then I cried, shredded the rest of the pack, and flushed it all down the toilet. Nothing too dramatic. Just a momentary lack of concentration. Or something similar to that.

The Quit Meter. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Tick tick tick. It just seemed to be mocking me. If I'm really a "non-smoker" why do I have to count up all my non-smoking days. Seems silly. I understand that for the Fill-in-the-blank Anonymous people there is some value to getting the monthly or yearly chips.

(Wait. Just a dang minute now. They don't give the Gambler's Anonymous people chips to celebrate the time gone by do they??? I'm not trying to be snarky or make fun...but seriously....what do those folks get??? Because a chip would be like a 30 days sober commemorative shot glass. Not good.)

Sorry - where was I? Quit meter. Ok so I'm sick of it and I'm not putting it back up. I know the date I quit - August 8. I'm unlikely to forget the date as it is a big day (and a month before my birthday).

Chantix. I took a pill after I smoked that cigarette and have not taken one since. There is no real reason for this. Other than maybe I'm somewhat sick of the whole process. This does not me that I'm sick of the other bloggers or the topic. Mostly I'm just sick of ME. I'm bored with me smoking, me quitting, me being tempted, me smelling smoke, me worried about smoking, me and insurance. There are lots of other things about me that I'm still totally fascinated with...but ME smoking or quitting...eh...not so much. Plus I think that obsessing about it just keeps it at the forefront of my mind. It's weird. For me.

*Whew* This is way longer than I intended. I still plan to keep up with all the other Chantix bloggers. Y'all are way too cool and interesting (and in the case of Ren's video - very cute ;) to not read. But I may just give the smoking/quitting topic a rest for a while. I'll still blog about the other things that catch my eye. If you want to stick around for that - swell. If not - also swell, may you live in interesting times.

:)

Got me

Do you see a quit meter off to the side?

Almost got me

This morning I held a cigarette in my hand, along with a lighter and an ashtray. I wanted so badly to smoke that cigarette. It just smelled absolutely divine. Imagine the smell of your absolute, number one, all time favorite meal just about to be served. That's how it smelled. I just wanted to let that sweet smoke clear all the bad crap out my mind and just relax. Just relax. Relax. That's all. No big deal.

I wound up peeling all the paper off the cigarette and just letting it shred up. I don't really feel all that great or brave about doing it either. Bleh.

Finally Finally Finally Friday

Wow it's been a crap week. The other day I stopped my van and noticed that the odometer was at 77777. I thought that was really cool and took a picture of it with my phone. If I were more technically literate, I would know how to get the picture off my phone and post it here. But anyway, I kind of thought that the 7's were a harbinger of a lucky week.

WRONG.

The 7's mean nothing!! If you see this on your vehicle - just ignore it. Really all it means is that your vehicle is going to start breaking down in weird and interesting ways very soon. The warranty is gone. Start saving up for something new (and hopefully not as dorky as a van).

So this has been my mood all week. Kind of bratty and tantrum-y. That's why no posts for a few days. The ultimate irony is that the van is actually fine. (Except for that annoying "run the heat on full blast or have no heat at all" glitch.) It was everything else that went to heck. Squabbled with everyone, insanely busy at work, not enough sleep, etc. But no smoking. So that's good. I have been SORELY tempted. I also missed my pill two days. Can't remember which ones though - maybe Tuesday and Thursday. I think what has kept me from smoking is really trying to face all the downfalls of it. It rained here all week and I would have been making mad dashes to the 7-mobile to smoke without getting drenched. I do NOT miss the smell in the house. I felt bad for a guy who just reeked of smoke stink. These things are all so helpful to staying away from the butts.

Well I'm just rambling now, so I leave you with one last funny thing. Jeff bought me a pack of M&M's and they just sat unopened on the computer desk for a couple of days. (This is not amazing willpower on my part - I've been nibbling on an embarrassingly huge Toblerone.) Last night Dylan and I were goofing around with Noah. He walked away from us and then turned back around and came towards me. With the world's most serious look on his face, he said....and I quote..."Mom, I just want you to know that I opened your M&M's for you." Dylan and I looked at each other and just cracked up. What a grand, selfless act. That's what the problem was. I couldn't get them open. Naturally, I had to go see the state they were in. He actually left some for me to eat. I suppose he did deserve half the bag since he had to expend all that effort getting it open. That kid is a nut.

Offended

Just got done watching "Bizarre Foods" on....the Travel Channel. Gross. That guy will eat anything. I can't even imagine how hungry I would have to be to eat a whole roasted sparrow or a plate full of silk worms. Yucky. Anyway, the show playing on the same channel right now is called "Tornado Alley USA." I think this show is way worse than the gross food show.

I'm sure many of you know my complete and utter spineless fear of tornadoes. I think anyone who willingly chases these things around is a special kind of crazy. I realize that it is important for scientists to research tornadoes in order to better understand how/why/where they form in order to protect people. I get it. I'm for it. Better them than me. But here's why the show offended me. (And it had NOTHING to do with them showing a giant 7-tornado-spawning-supercell that hit August 2006 less than an hour from where I now sit.) The show is following some big shot storm chaser guy and his company that offers tornado tours. Tours? I really find that to be ghoulish. There are people who lose their lives and everything they have from these storms. To pay money to chase them around seems really freaky to me. It's like paying money to visit horrible house fires, or sites of famous dog maulings, or following the Ted Bundy trail. The sad thing is that I'm sure there are people who would love to do these things as well.

On the clip from last August the main guy sees a tornado hit a house and he says, "oh wow that guy's house just got totaled!!." Oh yeah. Great. What a thing to be excited about. Let's take a wrecking ball to your house (with you in it) and then cheer on the destruction. What a sicko. He then gives this lame-o kind of look and says, "there were no fatalities with this system, just some minor injuries." Yeah that. And some poor guy losing everything he owns. Whoopee. What sick jerk.

I understand that it's a pretty amazing weather phenomenon and I'm sure that these people would argue that it's no different than watching lightning or enjoying the rain. But it is different. When I finally left the room to come do this post, the people were kind of upset that after two days on the road they hadn't seen a tornado yet. So they're hoping and praying for a horrible destructive force to happen just so they can be entertained. I just can't understand why anyone would pay money to gleefully chase something around that kills people and destroys lives. Do these folks like brag about it back home?? "Hey look. Here's our pictures of the storm that wiped out a neighborhood. Yeah like three people were killed and 40 homes destroyed. Oh yeah it was a blast. You should go next year." Sick.

A bunch

I've had about 10 topics swirling around in my head for the past couple of days - let's see how many I can remember.

1. Brave
I just found out that one of my cousins is going back to the middle east for the third time. He was in the first Gulf war, went back after 9/11, and is heading back again. I have no desire to engage anyone in a political argument with this topic. I just want to tell the world that I am amazingly proud of him and fervently hope he comes back safely to his wife and two little boys.

2. Joe Exotic
On a wildly different note, we went to see a magician called Joe Exotic today. I've never actually been to a magic show before, so have no real reference point from which to judge this guy. I'll just say - not bad. Lots of loud noises and fake smoke - that was not fun. I only bring it up because this guy does what he does to support an interesting cause. Part of the show is very much aimed at kids. He talks quite a bit about saying no to drugs, drinking and driving, and not picking on people. On top of all that, this show is in support of the G.W. Exotic Animal Park. Apparently there are thousands of exotic animals in this country that get dumped after their idiot owners realize that owning an 800 lb. tiger that wants to eat children is NOT a great idea. So this park takes these animals and supports them. Something different on a Saturday afternoon.

3. Noah is scary
Did any of you see Toy Story? As I was typing the last section, Noah came up and asked me to "fix" his toy. He has this little guy that rides a motorcycle. For some reason, the arms and legs come off this guy. Noah wanted me to put the legs where the arms go and the arms where the legs go. Okay freaky Sid - no problem.

4. Chantix
Okay. I've kind of decided to start tapering off. I am no where NEAR as organized as Maggie so this is going to be totally haphazard. I am also not going to consult my doctor (there's me riding the ragged edge of disaster again). She already told me I could taper or just stop on my own when I felt I was ready. Here are my 2 reasons (one good and one stupid). One - I feel pretty good about my ability to resist smoking. I think I'll do okay. I think it will be HARD without Chantix, but okay. Two - I'm sick of taking 2 pills every day and can't remember to do it. I know that's just lame, but it's true. In the past week there were 3 days when I only had one pill because I forgot the morning dose. So I might as well switch over to one pill a day anyway. I'm going to do this with the bottle I have left (20 or so pills) and then re-evaluate. I SERIOUSLY doubt that I am going to go through the pill-splitting like Maggie did. I am way too disorganized (ok - lazy) to try that. I might try an every other day thing though. Stay tuned for updates.

5. The gays and the coloreds
(By the way I ***am*** willing to get into a political argument on this topic)
I recently had someone tell me "we didn't have 'the gays' when I was younger." At some other point in the conversation, the person mentioned, "the coloreds." I so badly wanted to say, "you had just as many of 'the gays' as you do now, but they saw how you treated 'the coloreds' back then and decided to stay out of your way." But I didn't do that. This person is of a certain age and it would have been a senseless argument. In the same set of circumstances I had someone tell me that a certain university should not have had to get rid of their Native American (these would be "the reds" I assume) mascot because "they had that mascot for so long." Ok. Sure. I've written about the mascot issue before. (Ha ha - that post has a picture of Noah with a pull-up on his head.) Anyway, I don't get too bent out of shape about mascots - it's very very low on my radar. But the whole set of conversations just made me a little sad. Maybe my generation and younger is messed up in a lot of different ways, but I do think we're WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY more tolerant (as a general rule). Sometimes this is not good in terms of being apathetic towards things, but mostly I think it's a good thing.

Okay, I remembered five of the maybe 10. That's fairly good for my head.

I just

KNEW those kids were trying to kill me!!!

"Among this group, she found that those who bore sons had shorter life spans than those who gave birth to daughters. This discrepancy has to do with birth weight—male babies are typically larger—as well as testosterone. “Testosterone can compromise your immune system; it can affect your health,” Lummaa says, and the mothers of sons proved especially susceptible to endemic infectious disease, such as tuberculosis. “Boys are a little bit more costly” to raise than girls as well, because they drain more physical resources from their mothers, she adds, as has been seen in other mammals, such as the red deer. Sons also are not as likely as daughters to stick around to help their mothers out later in life."

Also, Blender magazine has it's list of the 50 worst rock songs. As a child of the '80s, I take exception to MANY of these choices.

Jitters

It's been a weird day. I can't seem to relax. This is my fourth attempt at a post. I feel really jittery and kind of nervous almost. I have no idea what this is about. I got a big fat face-full of cigarette smoke this evening. I know I've complained about stale smoke smell, but the fresh ones.....SMELL.....SO.......GOOD. Ugh. I wish I would have kept one of my dirty ashtrays. Then every time I smell a lovely fresh cigarette, I could go stick my nose in the nasty ashtray to remind myself how the cigs REALLY smell. The smell of a dirty ashtray when you run water over it to clean it has to be one of the top 10 grossest smells. Maybe I should get a job washing out ashtrays after the bars close.

What else? Oh I read this story about a 6-year old who tried to drive to a restaurant. I'm still all freaked out about Dylan driving....now I have to worry about Noah. Great.

We're going Halloween costume shopping for Noah this weekend. I really want him to be Batman. His older brother was Batman when he was four. This leads to absolutely no logical reason why Noah should have to do it - I think it's just one of those stupid things that only a Mom thinks is neat. Honestly, I don't even think Noah really knows who Batman is. Halloween is not one of my favorite holidays. I hate the smell of pumpkins, it's just too much candy-temptation, the ringing doorbell all night gets annoying, the make-sure-there's-no-razors-or-poison candy inspection is depressing, and trying to explain to a little kid a) why they can't eat a bucket of candy all at once and b) why all the people they know are giving out candy only for this one random night is just impossible. Bah Humbug. Or Bat Humbug maybe. I guess the only reason for a parent to be involved in this insanity is to get pictures like this that are just too dang cute:

Hypocrite

Yeah yeah yeah....I know I was just complaining about small towns....I'm no more cultured than anyone else....shaddup already. I know the following is juvenile and silly....but it really makes me giggle.

Maybe not

I just wrote this long, cynical rant about Native American/Columbus Day. It was really negative and kind of ugly so I deleted it. No one wants to read ALL the garbage that goes through my head. It didn't even have any funny parts. Boo.

I've really wanted a cigarette today - no particular reason. Just to smell one would be good. I think I need to go watch that lung cancer video again. I'm starting to lose focus about this whole process. I think there's a part of me still throwing a tantrum about it. Way in the back of my head there's an obnoxious me on the floor kicking and screaming. Hey speaking of that...

My friend Owned By Dogs, put up a post about the side effects of some medicine she's taking. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. How could she possibly even know if the medicine is working under the worry of these potential problems. My two personal favorites are "Fit" and "False Sense of Well Being."

FIT???!!! Is that an official, medical term?? Do people pitch fits still? Isn't that kind of a mean way to put things? And what, exactly, is meant by "fit"? Is she going to have a seizure, or just come unglued in the grocery store and start screaming for a toy?? "False Sense of Well Being" Now that's just horrible. So she starts taking this medicine and feeling better. But is she REALLY feeling better? OR....is she just having a false sense of well being?? How cruel. Might even make her have a fit.

I understand that the drug company probably has to put every remote possibility on the warnings to stave off lawsuits. LOL. I just read through it again. "Broken Bone" How does that happen? Just all of a sudden her arm breaks? She says the "Abnormal Fat Distribution" bothers her. I'd like to see pictures of that too. "Nervous" This probably only happens to people WHO READ THE FREAKIN' LIST.

Back by popular demand....or...other

Wow check out the quit meter. 1200 not smoked, $300 saved. 1200 - that's HORRIBLE. 1200. Bleh. $300? I need some shoes...and a purse...and a coat.

Back from my travels. It was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hard to not smoke in the car. There's nothing else to do, so I just wanted to smoke smoke smoke. But I didn't - even when my mom lit up. Last night we stayed in a smoking room in a hotel (that's all they had) and boy did it STINK in there. I still like the smell of lit cigarettes, but that months and years of smoke in the carpet/curtains/walls smell is so awful. Yucky.

The trip was good and bad. Nice weather down and back - good. Didn't smoke - good. Got to shop in real stores - good. Ate REAL barbecue - good. Got some nice coffee in a place that didn't also sell anything with the phrase "high octane" - good. Absolutely angelic non-complaining non-crying didn't fuss even once during four long days of being strapped in a car seat beautiful 4-year old boy - PRICELESS.

But it was also very bad. Just sad. Dreadfully sad. I don't want to put up details that are not mine to share, but I saw someone for what is almost 100% certain to be the last time. This person is far too young and good for what he/she is going through.

I saw my husband do and say and handle some things this week that have put me in absolute awe of the man. He is so brave and strong. I sometimes cannot believe how incredibly lucky Dylan and I were to find him and how lucky Noah is to have him too. When you're with someone day after day, doing the same old daily things, having the same old squabbles over mostly small things, it's so easy to forget why you put up with this insane stranger at all. And then you see them act in a way that is so courageous and selfless and HARD that you can't even believe you happened to get this person to notice (let alone MARRY) you. He is simply the best man. If you ever see me even put one little tiny word of complaint about him on here, you clog up my comment thing with links to this post.

It's good to be home. It was mostly a really hard week.

One last post...

Why do women worry so much?

Maybe it's the brain-eating amoeba that seem to prefer children and boys. This is so dreadful - we live near water. But it seems this is mostly a problem in the warmer states. How awful for the families of these people.

****RANT ALERT****

I'm not a big sports fan. I don't mind a Broncos game now and then. I like ice skating. I used to follow tennis. But no one in the household is a big fan in any way. So when sports begin to inconvenience my life it just REALLY HACKS ME OFF. I think that sports can be a good thing. Children can learn the advantage of team work and fair play...blah blah blah. But I just cannot understand these big sports obsessions. The pinnacle of this insanity are those instances when people riot and destroy things when their team wins. What the *bleep* is that about???

Anyway the point of this whole rant is that I've been inconvenienced and I'm truly miffed. On our many trips to and from St. Louis, we usually never make reservations. We just stop when we're ready to stop and find a hotel room - no big deal. My mom is much more of a planner and insisted that we book rooms. It's a good thing we listened to her. On the drive down, we normally stop in St. Joseph, Missouri, which is about an hour north of Kansas City. When I called to find a room I learned that there are NO rooms in the entire town, or anywhere within about 100 miles of Kansas City. We finally did find a room in some little tiny burg, and we are going to wind up paying $125 for a room that is normally $65 a night.

Why is this so??? (well you may ask)

NASCAR.

Oh my freakin' good grief. NASCAR???? Are you kidding me???

This offends me on so many levels. I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful people who are NASCAR fans. But come on. I can't imagine anything more boring than watching cars go 'round and 'round for hours on end. You either have to have the world's lowest entertainment threshold or you're some kind of evil jerk who is just hoping for a spectacular crash. It just isn't impressive to me. Oh wow - a bunch of professional drivers drove around. Assign a random few of the drivers to get loaded or having screaming kids in the car and THEN win the race - that would be impressive. Or maybe have a bunch of amateurs do it. Or use "real" cars that just break down randomly for no reason. NASCAR. *weeps*

Dream and Disclaimer

Dream:

Had a doozy last night. Bleh....I just tried to type out the whole thing and it's just too boring and weird. I'll sum up. The kicker is that Jeff and I were watching "Gone With the Wind" at my mom's house. Then we got in our van and started driving. When we got in, I immediately lit up a cigarette. I took a couple of puffs and turned to Jeff and said, "Oh my god...look what I'm doing!!!" He then said, "Oh no! Put it out!! Hey - you were smoking all through that movie!" Then I said, "I was, wasn't I??? How could I do that??" And then a couple more crazy things and I woke up.

Here's what I think - we are leaving Saturday to go visit Jeff's parents in St. Louis. My mom is coming with us for a complicated reason that's not interesting enough to get into. I must be a little worried about being cooped up with a smoker in my van. That being said, let's get to the disclaimer part of this post.

She says she is NOT going to smoke in my van, but that we will have to make stops. I said that she can sit in the way back and smoke near the vents - it's fine with me. I need to learn to be around smokers without breaking down. (HEY! I went to lunch with a friend today and she smoked 2 or 3 cigs right across the table and I did fine!! YAY ME!). Also I don't want to be stopping anymore than Noah requires (because he is ultimately in charge of everything - I fear). But she insists that she will not smoke in my van because if doing so makes me start smoking again then it will be PERCEIVED TO BE all her fault that I started again just as it is all her fault that I started in the first place. (Note - she doesn't think this is true...but some people do.)

DISCLAIMER: It is not, nor was it ever, my mother's fault that I was a smoker. I made a decision on my own to start and keep smoking. Furthermore, if I start smoking again, it will still not be her fault. I make my own decisions and take credit for my own mistakes AND victories.

She's probably going to be mad that I wrote about her. But seriously - I don't blame her for me smoking. To blame my mom for my smoking is insulting to both of us. It makes her some kind of weird hybrid of Mommie Dearest and Svengali and it makes me a completely spineless mama's girl who can't think for herself. No thanks.

I also do not blame the media or movies or any other kind of outside force. If the movies I watched as a teenager turned me into a smoker, how did I ever manage to survive anything I saw on Looney Tunes??? I never once believed that I could walk off a cliff, hold up a "YIKES!" sign, plummet to the ground, and live to chase that wretched roadrunner another day. Gimme a break. Oh no!! I said "gimme a break" it must be Nell Carter exerting her evil influence through the TV. (10,000 bonus points to those that know what I'm talking about.)

This seems a rather long post just to assuage my mom, but that's not even really the point. I hate that our society doesn't want anyone to be responsible for their own life. Anything bad that someone does is because of some sort of external influence (bad parents, bad school, bad racist patriarchal society, bad politicans, etc.) - not because that someone is DELIBERATELY making bad choices. Also if anyone does something good they have to give all the credit to someone else.

I accept that there are people who touch our lives for better or worse. The proof of that are these Chantix blogs. But at the end of the day, we each make our OWN decisions. We can look at the actions and experience of others, but there is still an internal thought process that goes on to either accept as good or reject as bad those actions. As a mother it's so hard to instill personal responsibility into a child. They always want to push the blame away from themselves. I'm constantly trying to get my children (mostly Dylan given the ages) to see how THEIR decisions lead to certain outcomes - it wasn't their friends, or their teachers, or whatever. I think the reason it's so hard to do this is because of the way our society is now. It's a constant battle.

Anyway...I didn't mean to go on and on....it's just something I feel very strongly about. As to this trip - we're leaving early Saturday morning and will not be back until the following Saturday. Jeff's parents do not have internet (I may die) so I will not be posting until I return. Hope you all have a lovely first week of October. And if you don't - well what the hell....blame it on me. :)

Ummmm

This is such a weird story. Apparently Nike has developed a shoe specifically for Native Americans as "an effort aiming at promoting physical fitness in a population with high obesity rates." Turns out many of us have wide, tall feet and wasicu (that means "white" for all you wasicus out there) shoes don't fit us. (LOL - like it's my uncomfortable shoes that make me inhale frybread like it's going out of style...too funny!) Maybe we could get Levi Strauss to make short little dumpy jeans to fit our fat asses since we're going down this road. I guess I appreciate the effort (although at the end of the article it becomes pretty obvious this is kind of a branding/marketing/let's-make-ourselves-
look-nice-because-we-help-those-pitiful-Indians-that-everyone-ignores thing), but really. I have to admit that I do know a lot of chubby, wide- and tall-footed Native folk (ahem...me), but we're not ALLLLL like that. Why not Jewish shoes? Or African American gloves? Or Norwegian American lingerie? The whole concept is just bizarre to me. What if you're a Native-African-Norwegian Jew. What the hell would you possibly wear?

Here's the link if you're interested.

Another Insurance Update

A month ago I blogged about how much Chantix cost me with my insurance. At that time, my total cost was $56.60. I stopped back at Walgreens today to pick up my second month supply. Apparently when I picked up my supply last month, I hadn't yet reached whatever the deductible is on my prescription insurance plan. But now I have. So today I bought my new month supply for $25 out of pocket. I almost feel guilty about this. I know there are people paying 5 times that amount. But I don't feel guilty enough to write any of you a check. :)

I really am just grateful that my insurance company seems to see the logic of paying for this. The savings they potentially face with my NOT having so many smoker-related illnesses will waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than offset the cost of this drug for a few months. South Dakota....land of enlightenment. (Happy Mom???)

Quit Meter Still Running

That'll be the sign. When the quit meter is gone, be worried.

Actually, I read this article and got scared of my computer.

And now I know why you all keep obsessively clicking my profile to look at my picture. ;)

...

I have gotten about 85% of the way to convincing myself to go get a pack of smokes. I think I need to take my evening Chantix and go to bed. I'm usually pretty convincing AND easily convinced.

Small town blues

I hate living here sometimes. One of my all time favorite movies ever is "Howard's End" with Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson. None of the video stores here have it, so it was one of my birthday requests. I was so happy to get the movie yesterday. I know it's not a story for everyone, but I love it. I always believe that, generally, a book is better than a movie. I really like all the Merchant-Ivory productions of E.M. Forster novels. Years and years ago I tried to read "A Room With A View" but just couldn't get through it. The language was just so British and old that it was like reading German or something. Anyway, I figured that I'm older, wiser, and better educated now so I'd try reading some Forster again. Well since the itty bitty teeny tiny bookstore here isn't open on Sunday (like almost everything else here), I bopped on down to the library. I figured a LIBRARY would certainly stock works by Forster. This is classic early 20th century British literature. Certainly a LIBRARY would have at least one of these books. RIGHT?

WRONG

What the heck? I guess having to make room for all those Harlequin romances just didn't leave shelf space for real literature. I was so dumbfounded by this, I even went to ask. Maybe they kept the "real" books in some kind of special place. The librarian actually told me that not only to they NOT have the book, she could try to get me the DVD if I wanted. Ummm. Hello??? Isn't a librarian supposed to encourage...oh...I don't know....READING???

*sigh* I'd give my left arm for a Barnes & Noble right now.

Thanks to everyone for all the kind birthday wishes. It was a really nice day.

I'm a believer

I feel really guilty about saying I didn't believe in strange phenomena. I saw this video and am now totally convinced. This is so freaky. I probably won't sleep well tonight.


http://view.break.com/312640 - Watch more free videos

One month

My quit meter says 4 weeks and 2 days (it'll probably switch to 3 days at 6:30-ish). I actually smoked my very last cigarette at about 6:30 pm on August 7. One calendar month. I can't believe it. I think I've given myself a pretty good birthday present this year (it's tomorrow - in case you were wanting to send me a fabulous gift ;). Now I can focus on lasting through December. That will be when I can drop the smoker fee off my health insurance - just in time for Christmas.

I've been reading Maggie's posts about tapering and finally taking her last dose (link to the side). I find that idea utterly terrifying. I'm looking forward to being off these pills, but I also want to be REALLY sure that I'm officially a non-smoker before I stop. My somewhat loosely formed plan is to do at least one more month of pills. Maybe even two. My doctor approved me for 4 more refills, but I really hope I don't need that many.

I can't remember what I was dreaming before I woke up, but it must have been a doozy. My husband was trying to wake me up this morning and he says that I kept telling him that I was not going to get in the shower until the other guy got out. And the other guy was someone from a TV show - but Jeff can't remember who. How weird. As if my hub really wants me showering with an actor. I barely remember any of this, but I do remember feeling kind of offended. Funny.

Truly Sick

I think most of my readers who have been here from the beginning KNOW my feelings on the tree people. (Click here for a really obnoxious rant from me.) I felt them to be misguided, ill-informed, and amusingly hypocritical. But I read something today that really makes me think that the tree-people might actually be evil or truly mentally ill.

Here's the scenario: if you are some sort of rich person who feels guilty about all the fossil fuels you are burning up with your fancy jets and heating/cooling your bazillion square foot home, you can donate some money to a "carbon offsetting" company. The carbon offsetting company then turns around and promotes non-carbon activities. Sounds very benign and green and warm and fuzzy, no? NO!!!

Here is what they promote. They go to places like India where people are extraordinarily poor and uneducated. Do they give them super efficient, green loving technologies to enrich and enhance their lives. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Here is what they do:

"The latest wheeze of this carbon-offsetting company is to provide ‘treadle pumps’ to poor rural families in India so that they can get water on to their land without having to use polluting diesel power. Made from bamboo, plastic and steel, the treadle pumps work like ‘step machines in a gym’, according to some reports, where poor family members step on the pedals for hours in order to draw up groundwater which is used to irrigate farmland (1). These pumps were abolished in British prisons a century ago. It seems that what was considered an unacceptable form of punishment for British criminals in the past is looked upon as a positive eco-alternative to machinery for Indian peasants today."

I cannot believe how horrible this is. Encourage poor people to keep living in medieval conditions and never improve themselves just so some guilt-ridden jerk can live the life he wants to live. Make other people give up on technological advances so that said jerk can sleep at night. Unbelievably sick.

Click here for a link to the complete article.

Trip My Zizz Wheel Baby

OMG. I just got done reading Bay's post and I can't quit laughing. My husband is looking at me like I'm a nut.

Bay did have an interesting point to her post - how boring must it seem to say, "Oh I didn't smoke again today." I've kind of been feeling that way too - which is why you're getting dreams and recipes and not any not smoking updates (that's really bad grammar - sorry). It seems kind of silly to come on here every day and announce what I didn't do.

Maybe it would be better to think of it in a more positive way. Instead of focusing on what I didn't do, I could focus on what I DID. Which is: I DID keep the promise I made to myself to quit smoking; I AM doing something that is good for me; this IS really difficult but I'm overcoming it.

(hahahaha - I know that the people who *really* know me are going to read this and think, "who are you and what did you do with Tasina????" - I'm NEVER this upbeat and chipper - ever. If quitting turns me into Little Miss Perky Thoughts then I'm going to start smoking again - Pall Malls - unfiltered.)

(And what IS a zizz wheel??? Is it like....a body part....er...something?)

New Recipe (and a variation)

The following is a recipe from Everyday Italian on the Food Network. I've made this many many times (with my changes in parentheses). It's a wonderful dish and really easy to do. The sauce is to die for. After the recipe is the little change I made tonight.

1 1/2 pounds boneless skinless chicken breasts, each breast cut crosswise into 3 pieces
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons olive oil (I never measure this)
5 tablespoons butter, divided
3/4 cup chopped onion (I always use one or two shallot cloves instead....I love shallots)
1 pound cremini mushrooms, sliced (these are baby portabellas....you can cut up regular portebellas if you can't find these....i ALWAYS dice my mushrooms...not slice)
2 tablespoons minced garlic (I just use 2 cloves)
1 cup dry Marsala wine (I probably use more like 1 1/2 cups)
1 cup (8 ounces) mascarpone cheese (you can substitute cream cheese if you can't find mascarpone...but maybe only use 5 or 6 oz....cream cheese is thicker)
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves, plus whole sprigs, for garnish (I use fresh if I have it....or else just use 1 tbs of dried)
12 ounces dried fettuccine (I use linguine - I prefer the texture)

Sprinkle the chicken with salt and pepper. Heat the oil in a heavy large skillet (DO NOT USE A TEFLON SKILLET) over high heat. Add the chicken and cook just until brown, about 4 minutes per side. Transfer the chicken to a plate and cool slightly.

While the chicken cools, melt 2 tablespoons of butter to the same skillet over medium-high heat, then add the onion and saute until tender, about 2 minutes. Add the mushrooms and garlic and saute until the mushrooms are tender and the juices evaporate, about 12 minutes (no way this takes 12 minutes - maybe another 5). Add the wine and simmer until it is reduced by half, about 4 minutes. Stir in the mascarpone and mustard. Cut the chicken breasts crosswise into 1/3-inch-thick slices (we just cut into bite-sized pieces at this point....I'm not really sure why you can't just do that to begin with...there must be some reason....but we do it according to the directions). Return the chicken and any accumulated juices to the skillet. Simmer, uncovered, over medium-low heat until the chicken is just cooked through and the sauce thickens slightly, about 2 minutes. Stir in the chopped parsley. Season the sauce, to taste, with salt and pepper.

Meanwhile, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the fettuccine and cook until al dente, stirring occasionally, about 8 minutes. Drain. Toss the fettuccine with 3 tablespoons of butter and season, to taste, with salt and pepper. Swirl the fettuccine onto serving plates. Spoon the chicken mixture over top. Garnish with parsley sprigs and serve.

As I said - this dish is amazing. You'll love it just as it is. But I kind of wanted a change because we eat so much pasta. I basically followed all the steps up to the pasta. Oh and I pre-heated the oven to 350 degrees. I put 2 cans of pre-cooked wild rice into a casserole dish. (Just to interrupt myself - I didn't even know you could buy pre-cooked wild rice in a can. How convenient. For this kind of recipe, it works just fine. For a recipe where you really want the strong wild rice taste, I would make the rice myself from a bag of dry stuff.) I also added a box of Uncle Ben's white and wild rice (but NOT the seasoning packet). Oops. Double back again. The rice comes in a liquid. I reserved about a 3/4 cup of this and deglazed the pan after the chicken browned. So now in my casserole I have: the browned chicken, 2 cans drained pre-cooked wild rice, box of Uncle Ben's white/wild rice, and the juice/drippings from the pan. I then sauteed the shallots, garlic, and mushrooms and added the mascarpone, mustard, and marsala. After the veggies were soft, I dumped this all in the casserole dish as well. I then stirred in probably 3/4 cup of shredded Romano cheese. I baked this all for 1/2 hour.

I really liked this. It still had that nice flavor of the original dish, but also had the change of the rice and the addition of the Romano. It seemed like maybe it was missing something crunchy. Water chesnuts? Slivered almonds? Pine nuts? Something. The guys liked it too although they said they prefer the original because you get more sauce. I can see this argument too.

Try the recipe either way - YUMMY!!

Chantix and Smoke Free Days Something or Other

This is how bad I am at math. I can't even keep a count going for more than three weeks. Sad. Look at the quit meter <------ if you really want to know.

Anyway. I haven't been blogging much about my quit because the whole topic just seems kind of over. I still wish I could smoke from time to time. But it's more like when you see Clive Owen on TV and say to yourself, "Wow I wish I could...."

Wait a minute. This is supposed to be at least a PG-13 blog. Let's try that again.

But it's more like when you see a bird and say to yourself, "Wow...I wish I could fly." But it's not like you then plummet off something tall whilst flapping your arms like an idiot. I DO wish I could smoke - for free, with no smoke stink, with no health problems, wherever I choose, etc. But I can't. So I won't.

My mom keeps asking when I'm going to stop taking the pills. I think she thinks the crazy dreams = crazy person. Haha. (Which of course is a direct derivative of crazy mom.) I think I'm going to go another month of pills past the bottle I'm working on now. Just to be safe. I'll have to risk the crazy thing. That puts me through about mid-October. I didn't have any freaky dreams last night. In fact I was so happy when I woke up this morning. Jeff woke me up and I thought he was waking me up to get ready for work. I was thrilled to realize that it was a holiday.

I was going to post this really cute Garfield cartoon about Labor Day that I remembered from when I was a Garfield nut as a kid. I even found it on the Garfield website. But then there were all these scary warnings against posting or duplicating or even thinking such heresy about Garfield images....so I chickened out. Cluck cluck.

Terrible Dream

I had an awful dream last night. We used to live in a suburb of Minneapolis when I was a little girl. In my dream I was alone in that house with Noah. Jeff, Dylan, my mom, and my dad were out of town and I was staying in that house. No one had lived there since I was little, but for some reason I was there. Anyway, I woke up early in the morning - like 4:00 or so and all the power was out. I looked out the window and could see lightning off in the distance and figured that a storm had gone through. I started groping around the house looking for a flashlight. I had to use the light-up feature of my cell phone to see anything. I wound up calling my mom to ask her where to find a flashlight. She was telling me places to look, but it was so dark that I couldn't really see. At one point she told me to use my lighter. Haha. I had to remind her that I quit smoking and didn't have a lighter. She directed me to go outside and look in this old shed, but all I found in there were metal shelf brackets. Weird. Then I saw a neighbor out walking his dog. I asked the man if the power was out at his house. He said no and gestured back the way he came. I then realized that my house was the only one without power. At that point my mom said she had a call on her other line and she had to take it because it was her mailman from the house they actually live in now. I'm heading back towards the garage to go back inside and she comes back on the line and she screaming. She says that the mailman said that some kind of freaky bad guy was at their real house and figured out that I was at the Minneapolis house all by myself. I panic and start running back in because I had left Noah in there sleeping. As soon as I got into the garage I could hear this crazy laughter. Brrrrr. Then I woke up.

I was so freaked out when I woke up. I started like whopping Jeff on the leg. Poor guy - he was so confused. I made him turn the light on because I wanted to be absolutely sure the lights worked. That's how vivid these dreams are. Even though I knew it was a dream and I knew I was now awake, I just HAD to make sure it was over by having the light on. It was horrible. At some point during the night Noah had climbed in with us. Once Jeff had the light on and I could see Noah I calmed down a bit. I just clung to that little guy after that. It took me a long time to get back to sleep. Most of my Chantix dreams have just been kind of strange, but this one was really scary. And again - so vivid. When I was outside talking to that neighbor I could actually feel wind on me and smell the flowers and trees and stuff. I hope I don't have a really scary one like this again - it's almost enough to make a person start smoking!! ;)

That'll teach me

A few days ago, I blogged about not believing in weird things. One of those things was the chupacabra. This mythical creature supposedly roams around killing domestic livestock. The name means "goat sucker." Well it looks like the joke is on me. Someone has maybe found the remains of one.

I'm going to do a small rant here. Feel free to ignore it.

As I mentioned a couple of posts back, my son is in Algebra II this year. We were required to go out and buy him a $80 calculator for this class. This just strikes me as completely insane. We can afford it, but there are tons of other things I'd rather spend $80 on. And what about the families that can't afford that cost? What are they supposed to do - not let their child take a math class because they can't afford it? I was telling someone at work about this and that person said that they have a scientific calculator that Dylan can use. But I had to refuse that kind offer because the calculator must be this specific brand and model. Absurd. To make matters even more frustrating, Dylan's school instituted a laptop program this year. Every student was issued a laptop. If he loses it/breaks it/it gets stolen/etc we would have to pay almost $1400 to replace. We definitely cannot afford that. Luckily our insurance agent drew up a policy specifically for this. But again, not every family can afford to be shelling out for extra insurance. Also, his laptop comes with all sorts of programs - Excel is one of them. Why the heck do we have to buy an $80 calculator when his computer programs can do almost all the same functions? His math teacher announced on the first day of class that she is not even going to incorporate the computer into her class. So what is ultimately the point of him having this technology if some of his teachers (especially in a class like math - where it could be so much more than a fancy typewriter) refuse to use it?? The whole thing just seems like it was not thought out and planned for in any logical way.