Ethanolatte

Living in a small town is weird in a lot of different ways (mostly because of the people). One of the strangest is seeing how the stores here are forced to offer a pretty wacky selection of products. They have to do this because there are so few stores. When we lived in the city, we loved finding the little out-of-the-way specialty stores that sold like two products - usually two fantastic products. But things just aren't like that here. I don't miss the traffic or the noise or the crime....but I do miss the stores. We lived a couple of blocks away from this little Italian food shop - it's been there like 80 years. They make all the sausage right there (spicy Italian sausage made with Marsala wine and big chunks Mozzarella ....OMG)....if you ask for a pound of Parmesan, they whack it it off this big brick of aged stuff. *sigh* But here it's all about----Walmart. I have nothing against the place....we have kids, we shop there, we save money. It's just that there's something so nice about a store run by people who really care about just one kind of product. To me it seems weird that here you can buy a gun in the same store you buy a crib.

Anyway. Someone told me that the local Shell station has a drive up coffee window. This just struck me as bizarre. I know lots of gas stations have that horrible crap coffee machine inside, but this is like a full on cappuccino bar in the gas station. I was very nervous about trying this place because it just seemed so wrong - like buying feminine products at the auto parts store or something. Anyway, I decided to be brave and was very pleasantly surprised. The coffee is actually really good and fairly cheap. My only complaint is that the cups are kind of flimsy (not to mention kind of embarrassing - carrying around a huge coffee cup with the big yellowy-orange Shell logo). I almost wish I hadn't found this place. It's so easy to just drive on up and get a coffee. The funny thing is that I've never actually been inside this particular gas station. There's probably a whole world of strange and wonderful products. Honestly, I'm not even sure they actually sell gas.

Kind of a boring post - feel free to skip

I have nothing to report really today. No big urges. Didn't even really think about it. I think I really am starting to get more worried about the eating. I'm overweight as it is and I really do NOT need to be adding to this.

Hey - just to veer off on a totally different topic. Is anyone or does anyone know anyone who's taking that Alli stuff? Does that not sound INSANE???? If you think the Chantix side effects are bad, read the back of one of those bottles. EWWWWWW! There's no way. I'd staple my lips together first. Bleh.

Ok, sorry. So Ren was blogging about how much better his skin looks. I have not had this experience at all. Ever since I had Noah my skin has been horrible. I look like a 15 year old. Someone was telling me that Elizabeth Arden makes this stuff that just works wonders. I looked it up and it costs $62 for like a billionth of an ounce. I'm pretty sure my insurance is not going to cover that.

What else is new? Dylan started back to school this week. Last night I was helping him with his Algebra. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm easily the worst person in the world to be helping someone with Algebra. He got two of the homework questions wrong - probably my fault. I told him that I'm good for about one more chapter and then he's going to have to get after school help. Noah also got a promotion at his preschool. He's very excited about being such a big boy. I do think I should be able to handle helping Noah with his math work. Maybe.

SING!!!!

One of the happy discoveries I made this weekend had to do with singing. While I'd like to believe that quitting smoking has made me pitch perfect, that might be taking things too far. BUT. Quitting certainly has helped me sustain those long notes. I had the whole house to myself and just sang my little heart (but not lungs) out.

I also have made a sad discovery. I am eating WAY too much. And WAY too much of what I'm eating is junk. I've got to find something else to do when I have the urge to smoke - or else buy a ton of fruit to munch or something. The inside of my mouth is just raw from all the sunflower seeds I've had - luckily I have no blood pressure problems because I've had a ton of salt from those seeds. String cheese is the other thing I'm wolfing down like mad. At least that has calcium, but I need to cut back on this stuffing myself.

Why can't this just be easier????? (***TANTRUM ALERT***) Why can't cheesecake have zero calories and Shredded Wheat cause cancer? Why can't cigarettes smooth wrinkles and jogging cause hair loss??? Why can't coffee regulate your heart beat and V-8 make you bleed from your eyes???? WHY??? What a crap state of affairs.

Ok - I'll quit being 4 years old. Maybe this big, booming voice is about ready to say, "BECAUSE I SAID SO." Bleh.

Boys

Here is EXACTLY why it's terrifying to be the mother of boys. (And now I know to NEVER EVER EVER EVER leave them home alone for days at a time.)



This is a short clip from a much longer version - you can find the full version all over YouTube.

THREE WEEKS!!!!

I can't believe it's been three weeks. Woohoo!!

I was at the grocery store this morning and did notice the cigarettes, but had no mad urge to buy any. I had a couple of small tugs but they were so fleeting that I can't even remember what time of day or the circumstances.

Wow - earlier today I thought of a bunch of cool/funny/interesting stuff I wanted to blog about. But now I'm so tired my mind is just a blank. ZZZZZZZ. I'll try again tomorrow.

Plan....

I say all the Chantix bloggers set up a fund. If any one of us falls off the quit bandwagon, we use some money from the fund to buy this:

Haha.

Didn't Smoke & The Weirdest Dream Yet

I didn't smoke. That's all I want to say about last weekend.

The dream I had last night has to be the freakiest one so far. But let me preface this by making two points. First of all, there is this big rift in my (very large) extended family. Various people aren't speaking to various other people for a variety of reasons. I'm fairly uninvolved in all this because A) I haven't been back here long enough to get involved and B) I have absolutely no desire to get involved. I have my own opinions about the various tiffs, but I keep them to myself. (Let me also say that, by and large, my extended family is made up of really wonderful people - smart, funny, great story tellers, etc. - we're not all a bunch of snarling grudge-holders.) So that was point one. Point two is that I am a complete unbeliever. Ghosts, psychic abilities, clairvoyance, space aliens, faeries, Bigfoot, chupacabra, the Loch Ness monster, EVP....you name it, I don't believe it. Show me SOLID evidence (as opposed to jittery night vision tapes on You Tube) and I might change my mind. But until I see some REAL evidence - no way. So it's not like I believe that dreams can predict the future or any other such nonsense.

BUT....

With all that being said, my dream still really freaked me out. In the dream my two boys were standing in our family cemetery looking at a couple of headstones. And the boys were waaaaay older. I'd say Noah was in his mid 50's and Dylan in his mid to late 60's. So they're standing there looking at the graves of a couple of my uncles. Dylan tells Noah that he thinks that the two uncles didn't like each other or died without speaking to each other ever again. Noah asked him why and Dylan said that he couldn't remember exactly what the whole thing was about. Noah then told Dylan that he thought it was pretty stupid for two brothers to end their lives that way. OH...also....there were some kids like running around in the background and somehow I knew that these were Noah and Dylan's kids or grandkids. So then the whole scene changed and went into the future and there were two other men standing there looking at Noah and Dylan's graves. (I know it's creepy to dream about my kids' graves - it's all Chantix). And I knew somehow that these two men were also brothers and either grandsons of Noah or of Dylan. And what they're talking about is how much Noah and Dylan loved each other all their lives. Then they turn and look back at my uncles' graves and one says that his dad told him that those two (my uncles) died not speaking to each other. And the two men agree how stupid and wasteful it is for brothers to be like that - especially because now no one even remembers what the problem was in the first place.

I swear I was almost crying when I woke up.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm an idiot.

I did the dumbest thing at work today. It's a long (probably boring) story, but basically I created this gigantic report with a computer program and didn't save it and then my computer froze up. I wanted to just curl up under my desk and weep. It took me 3 days to figure this stupid thing out and now I'm going to have to rebuild the whole thing.

Luckily I do remember how to make it, but I already put a ton of work into it. Bleh. What a yucky day.

Nausea

Why? Why? I must have jinxed myself. All this time I was feeling so sorry for the people who had nausea from these pills. And now it's happening to me. No one gets the flu in mid-August, it can't be food poisoning since Jeff and I ate the same foods yesterday, and there's no WAY I'm pregnant. Maybe I just have myself all worked up over this weekend? I don't know. But I feel utterly wretched. Bleh. I'm going to go lie back down.

Dream update

I really should start writing these down. (I guess I am on here - duh)

Somehow I was on a HUGE hill - not a mountain, just a hill - looking out over this kind of English looking countryside. I had a really wide-ranging view of all this. I was with two people from my work (that I rarely ever deal with). Anyway, there were castles all over the place. Some of them were English looking, some of them were more Taj Mahal-ish, and some looked Asian. But the weird part was that right in the middle of this was this gigantic, plastic, garish-colored, loud McDonald's castle. Plus a huge storm was building up.

Chantix Day 30, Smoke Free Day 14

Two weeks. I can't even think the last time in my life I went two weeks without a cigarette. Amazing. I hope I can stick with this.

I'm getting really nervous about this weekend. Maybe I'm just making things worse for myself than need be. But I'm kind of a worrier by nature, so this is what I do. (But at least I don't do it while smoking - anymore.)

I need to stock up on gum and sunflower seeds. (Maybe get a fanny pack for this stuff, right M?) Or maybe I'll get some of those Atomic Fireball candies - give myself a little reminder of the burning I'm not doing to lungs. I think if I can make it through this weekend, I can do anything. Although for a real test of will, see Bay's post for today.

(By the way, I think I may be off on my post titles. My quit meter says 2 weeks 1 day - and somehow I have two Smoke Free Day 11 posts. From now on I'm going with what the quit meter says.)

Chantix Day 29, Smoke Free Day 13

Not much new to report today. A few tugs, nothing awful. I did have another truly crazy dream last night. My mom had this gigantic fur coat with red, black, and white zig-zags on it. Plus the whole dream was narrated by Will Ferrel. Odd.

Is anyone worried about being defined by this whole process? I mean - are we all eventually going to get to a point where we're not tracking our progress anymore and focusing on this so much? Or are we never "cured"? Not that I don't enjoy reading (and need) the other blogs...but...there's a greener other side somewhere isn't there?

Just for a different topic, this is probably one of the most depressing news headlines I've seen in a long time. "One in four read no books last year." That's just so awful. Honestly, I think if 29 days ago someone said, "give up your books or your cigarettes" I could have quit easier than I'm doing now.

Chantix Day 28, Smoke Free Day 12

Had a good day today. I had no cravings at all during the day and just a little tug on the drive home (which was always prime smokin' time).

Some have noticed my quit meter over to the left. I was going to wait until 2 weeks to put one up, but then decided to just go ahead with it. I think my attitude about this has been so much better and I kind of wanted to make it really real. I also think it will help for my big scary test this weekend (just got off the phone with my mom - not only a big scary test at her house, but a further big scary test at a bridal shower with a whole bunch of smokers - yikes). Personally, I find it embarrassing and obscene that I would have smoked 258 cigarettes by now if I hadn't quit. That's just horrible. And the $60?? That's my cable bill for the month. Sad. I'm really glad I'm doing this now.

I also want to offer a big virtual hug to Bay. Today is her quit day and she's doing really well. Way to go!

Insurance update

I know some of the bloggers out here are keeping track of how insurance is handling Chantix. I picked up my refill yesterday. My doctor has set me up for 4 more months of refills after this, if I want them. She said to see her again about tapering off when I'm to that point. Anyway, my cost for a one month supply was $56.60. The little printout thing from Walgreens said that my savings was $79. I feel very fortunate that my insurance is covering this. I know that $125 for a month is less than cigarettes - but you can buy cigs a little at a time. I've had some requests to tell what my insurance plan is. I don't really feel comfortable giving that much personal info out on here. But I will say that it is NOT one of the "big" national providers like Blue Cross/Blue Shield. So unless you live in my part of the country, it probably wouldn't matter for you anyway.

Chantix Day 27, Smoke Free Day 11

I'm still having really vivid dreams. I haven't mentioned anything about it lately, but they're still happening. I guess as side effects go, vivid dreams aren't so bad. They're not generally scary or anything like that.

Last night I had a very long and involved dream. I won't go into all the details, but the main part was that my husband had all his paintings at Home Depot because he was getting them all framed. Somehow a huge flood hit the store and all his paintings were ruined. I was just devastated. Even though that is really awful, the most striking thing about the dream to me was the detail. I could describe to you exactly what the house I was in looked like as well as the grass, flowers, trees, and even smells outside. At one point there was a cell phone sitting on a table and it started to vibrate because a call was coming it. It sounded exactly like a cell phone does in that situation - just a low buzz with the vibration against the wood. It all just seemed so real. The way I explained it Jeff after I woke up is that it seemed more like a memory than a dream. I had to convince myself that this had not actually happened. Weird. Wild.

Today was pretty good as far as cravings go. Nothing too horrible even though I watched a movie with a lot of smoking in it. (See Stan's take on this and my perhaps over-the-top reply.) I also feel that my attitude about this has improved a bit. I'm still a little resentful about it, but have accepted that I just can't be smoking anymore.

Wireless and free

We FINALLY got our wireless router hooked up. Now I can blog from the living room. Woo hoo.

The food turned out great. We had it for lunch and dinner. Yummy.

I meant to put up a link here to the funniest video I've seen in a long time. It was an AP report about this guy in....ummm...maybe Indiana who, as a protest, paid his property tax bill in coins and dollar bills. Good for you pal. The Treasurer's office was hacked off. The guy wheeled the money in on a wagon. I should have done that the other day. We had to get new tags for our van. This cost is based on the weight of your vehicle. The price goes up every 2,000 lbs. Apparently, our van weighs 4003 lbs. So for 3 extra pounds, we paid $30 more for our tags. I asked the lady if she would lower it if I promised to take out my spare tire. What a rip off. Maybe next year I'll pay it in pennies.

We watched a really good movie last night called "Fracture." It stars Anthony Hopkins and Ryan Gosling. We all liked it a lot. It's a detective/thriller/lawyer thing. I give it....3 stars. It's one I would definitely watch again and might even buy.

Chantix Day 26, Smoke Free Day 11

Well it finally really happened. I was standing in front of the mall waiting for Jeff and this guy was standing there smoking a cigarette. It smelled sooooooooooooooooooooo good. I kept looking over at the guy and he finally asked if his cigarette was bothering me. I said, "I recently quit - it smells fantastic." He just laughed. Again it just made me kind of sad and longing. But I did not go out and buy any. *big dramatic sigh*

Maggie linked to a YouTube video in her comments to someone else. She said it was not for the faint of heart and boy was she right. It's a video this guy made chronicling his mother's death from lung cancer. I bawled my eyes out watching it. An aunt of mine died of lung cancer earlier this spring. I hate to think what she (and her immediate family) went through. It also didn't help that the woman in this video is kind of a smaller woman with black hair. People who *really* know me, know why that's bad. Anyway, here's the link. It is very sad and hard to watch. Please make sure you can handle it before you click. I really don't want my kids making a video like this about me some day. I guarantee that the thought of my kids going through this made me much sadder than not being able to light up with a stranger this afternoon.

No lunch yet

Still haven't eaten yet. The house smells so good I want to cry.

I thought I'd post this story. It doesn't seem like it's all that great for the deer either.

Off to the park for an Animal Shelter fund raising event. Lots of dogs, games, face painting - should be fun for Noah.

Lunch is on me

Right before I go to bed, I'm going to put the following recipe together in the crock pot. We're eating at noon, so stop by.

2 1/2 lb beef chuck roast
16 oz. jar of pepperoncini
1 packet beefy onion soup mix
4 cloves garlic, crushed
salt, pepper, and italian seasoning to taste
1 splash (or so) of dry red wine or dry marsala

Put all ingredients in slow cooker and cook 10 to 12 hours. Shred meat and place on hoagie/rolls. Cover liberally with provolone or mozzarella. Place under broiler until cheese melts. Reserve juice for dipping.

We may not make it until noon. Brunch sounds better!

Chantix Day 25, Smoke Free Day 10

Finally Friday. My afternoon seemed to drag on forever. Someone told me they had this brilliant idea for a new way to define time. But their theory isn't completely flushed out yet, so I didn't get to hear it. (Yeah sure.)

So today was pretty good. No horrible cravings. I still think I need to have a real test though. I caught a whiff of someone smoking as I was leaving work and it smelled really good and made me feel kind of sad and wistful. But it didn't turn me into a crazed, screaming lunatic - so that's pretty good, right?

I was scrolling through my last Chantix Day, Smoke Free Day post and was surprised to see that it's only 10 days. It feels longer. I don't know if it's the "wow I feel like I've known you forever and it's only been 2 days (or drinks)" kind of feels longer or "oh my god this is the most boring thing I've ever done for 5 minutes and it seems like 5 years" kind of feels longer. Maybe somewhere in between. I'll have to hunt that person down for the new theory of time.

Oh hey! It's Fun Photo Friday. We took this picture of the boys' feet a couple of days after we brought Noah home from the hospital.

Art

New paintings by Hubby.

Blogging awake

I checked my email and saw I had comments to my earlier post. I couldn't even remember what I had written about. I was sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy this morning.

I've gotten many nice comments from all of you telling me to keep with it - despite my negative feelings about the whole thing. If I didn't say this before - thank you so much. Things seem to be a little bit better today. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a cigarette after lunch (and I forgot to call for my refill - again), but am doing ok now.

The weekend after next we are going up to visit my parents. This is kind of the BIG TEST for me. I know my mom won't smoke around me if I ask her not to, but that's not really the problem. Just knowing they are there is the problem. If there were actual cigarettes in this house, I would smoke them. (We won't even get into whether or not there are any in my older son's room.)

As to sticking with it. I about 30% think that the reason I don't start up again is just so I don't have to tell everyone I failed. Most of my close family knows I'm doing this, as do my close friends and people I work with. Plus all of my loyal readers. Not that anyone will hate me/disown me/fire me....but still. How embarrassing. (Also MOST of these people are non-smokers....they don't GET IT anyway.)

Speaking (more nicely) of Dylan - I'm so proud of him today. Since he now is a fully licensed driver (it's funny - every time I say that I get 10 more gray hairs), he was able to take himself to a doctor check-up all by himself. Maybe not the biggest milestone in a kid's life, but it did kind of strike me. I was all prepared to use some of my personal time from work and then happily realized that he could do this on his own.

Here's a Photoshop-ed picture I took of Dylan when he was little. I don't find this all that funny anymore.

Chantix 23/24, Smoke Free 8/9

Sorry no post last night. Fell asleep really early. So here I am doing this at 5:30 am - and I've been up for over an hour.

Yesterday was a little better. Haha. Not really through any effort of mine - I was really busy at work and then fell asleep early. Maybe that's the real smoking cure - be busy and sleep. Although this doesn't leave much time for other activities.

I keep forgetting to call my Dr. for my refill. I think about it at times like this when I can't call. But maybe when I come home for lunch and see this, I'll do it! For those of you that are well into your quit, how long are you planning on taking Chantix? I know some are working on tapering off. The thought of being tied to a pill for a long time isn't very appealing.

I hate being up this early. I just can't think of anything else interesting to write because my brain hasn't really become functional yet. It's a really good thing I don't have a job that requires me to do anything delicate or focused early in the morning.

MUST MAKE COFFEE.

I'll post more later when I'm human.

Makes me smile....

Got to feeling guilty about posting such an unflattering picture of my son.

This is how he makes me feel:

Chantix Day 22, Smoke Free Day 7

As of about 1/2 hour ago, it has been one week since I have smoked.

*confetti, fanfare, ticker tape, people doing flips, noisemakers*

Honestly, I'm not all that thrilled. My head is in such a bad place about this. I cannot see this in a positive way. What I see is: "Oh goody. I've now deprived myself of something I like and enjoy for a whole week. Yippee skippee. Next week - no coffee. Then no chocolate. Then no pasta." Eventually I hope to be down to water, a grape, and a smear of tofu on a horken fiber chunk.

I know I sound like a complete brat, but there's no sense in lying. I'm sure that if I stick with this there will come a day when cigarettes don't even occur to me, I'll hate the smell of smoke, I'll pity all those hackers freezing by the ashtrays in the cold, etc. But I'm not anywhere near that yet - not even close.

This is how I feel:

Chantix Day 21, Smoke Free Day 6

It's been a bad 24 hours. I really want a cigarette. Almost went and bought a pack earlier this evening. I miss it. I know, I know - I don't miss the cost, health probelms, blah blah blah. Whatever. I just miss it. I just want to sit and relax and unwind and smoke. I sometimes wish I never started this quit.

Chantix Day 20, Smoke Free Day 5

I'm so happy that I made it through the weekend. I was very nervous about notsmoking with all this free time on my hands. Staying busy really helped (although I've not done much of anything today). I still have to wonder how I would do around other smokers. I think that will be really hard. I don't feel at all ready for a test of that quite yet, but I'm not going to actively avoid it either. I've been very lucky over the last week that I just really haven't been in situations around smokers. I haven't even had anything happen like I walk out of a store and someone is standing right outside smoking. I still think that if someone offered me a cigarette it would be almost impossible to say no. But maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I do know that if I were to smoke right now it will taste horrible.

Speaking of things tasting horrible (because that's always a fun topic), I seem to be have some sort of weird issue with this. I know a smoker is supposed to get all their taste buds back and sense of smell and all that, but this does not seem to be working out too great for me. Over the last few days, any kind of meat has tasted really weird. This is only for meat that's kind of stand alone - not mixed in with other ingredients or heavily spiced/sauced. It's been so strange that when we went out for lunch today, I just ordered sides and no meat because I didn't think I would eat it. I have no idea why this is happening, if it's related to quitting or not. I just hope it goes away soon or I start getting used to it because I love meats and I'm hungry!!!

Silly

Ok. I like art - all kinds - painting, drawing, music, acting. I married an artist. I also really like coffee. I'm drinking coffee right now. But coffee art? Come on.

Chantix Day 19, Smoke Free Day 4

Today has been a little easier. I've tried to keep myself busy. We shampooed the carpet in our room and REALLY cleaned the living room. I even Windexed all the glass on my picture frames. I'm sure all you smokers are smiling because you KNOW that paper towel came away that yucky yellowy brown color. Bleh. Aren't we all glad we're not putting this on our teeth, hair, clothes, walls, windows, etc. anymore? I never did get the bathroom done. We still have to put all the furniture back in our room and I'd like to give that a thorough cleaning like we did the living room. The rest of the house can wait until tomorrow. I think staying busy really helped. I've had a few rough moments, but it's been ok.

I got some really good news today too. I was given my starter month of Chantix as a free sample. I was worried about the cost of further pills, which I will need the week after next. I called Walgreens to see if my insurance will cover it. Turns out they will! My cost will be $56. Extraordinarily cheap if you consider how much cigs cost. $56 is about one carton - which would only last me about a week. I think all insurance should cover this. What they're going to save on my various heavy-smoker related illnesses over time should more than offset a few months of Chantix. I would have paid full price for it, but it's nice to know that I won't have to. I really want to put a Quit Meter on here as others have done. But I don't want to jinx myself. I'll put one up after two weeks.

P.S. Maggie - it was delicious. We tried to wait for you, but couldn't make it!

100

I smoked 100 cigarettes. JUST KIDDING!!! Still notsmoking.

This is my 100th post. Yippee. I'm in the process of adding labels to all my posts. (This is how desperate I am to be notsmoking.) I got bored with it, but I'll try to have it done soon.

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting too focused on notsmoking. It's hard to notsmoke when all I do lately is post about notsmoking. I think I'll start posting other stuff on here like I used to.

So in that spirit, let's bring back Fun Photo Friday. I live in Pierre, SD (no Mom, crazy stalkers are not going to come all the way here to kill me now). Fireworks are not allowed in the city. But the crazy folks over in Ft. Pierre (across the river for all you non-Dakotans) have no such ordinances. In 2006 we watched the utter 4th of July chaos in Ft. Pierre from the safety of the Pierre side of the river. It looked like a combination of Operation Desert Storm, Carnival, the Millenium celebration, and Armageddon. Apparently people just go ape-wild over there. Fireworks in the streets, in backyards, in parks, on sidewalks - anything goes. This picture was taken (by someone - don't know who) from the Pierre side of the river this year. It's a beautiful picture and it gives you and idea of how crazy it gets over there. Yes I know the 4th of July was over quite a while ago, but I thought the fireworks were a nice tie-in to my 100th post celebration.

Chantix Day 19, Smoke Free Day 3

I want a cigarette. I'm craving really bad right now. I don't know why the last 2 days have been so much harder than the first day. I thought each day would generally get a little easier, barring a major trauma or something. Oh wait. My 16 year old got his full, unrestricted driver's license yesterday. NO WONDER!!!

I feel really...ummm...like jittery and distracted and like I should be snapping my fingers and tapping my feet and pacing. I have this big plan for the weekend - cleaning. I want to get all the last vestiges of smoke stink out of my house. I had planned to start this tomorrow, but maybe I'll go scrub down the bathroom. Just for something to do. I also have a kind of complicated thing planned for dinner tomorrow. I could do some of the prep work tonight. (Hahaha. I just noticed that my link takes you to a previous post that begins with - "Lose a tooth or a finger?" Just keep reading - there IS a recipe [with no body parts] at the end.)

ARGH!!!!

I'm in such a weird state. I feel very confident that I will make it through the evening, but I just don't like feeling like this. It's almost like that nagging feeling that you forgot something. You just keep turning that thought over and over and over in your mind. I better go. I need to find something to do.

Chantix Day 18, Smoke Free Day 2

48 hours! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee.

Today was hard for some reason. I REALLY wanted a smoke after lunch. I couldn't quit thinking about it. Just really wanted to FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL my lungs with smoke. Isn't that absurd. It just looks stupid written down. Anyway, I made it through ok. Somehow I missed a pill along the line. The one I'm taking tonight is a morning one. Maybe that's why today was harder.

Maggie wrote a big long letter to those that will be prescribing Chantix to people and I couldn't agree more with what she had to say. But to the Chantix makers, can I add this thought - your packaging is stupid and annoying. Why why why make nervous, jittery, upset, spaced-out, fragile, and otherwise neurotic smokers claw through all this cardboard and plastic???? Have mercy. ESPECIALLY for those of us that are so orally fixated that smoking wasn't enough - we chew our nails to the nub too.

I was originally going to do a post about how I'm going to miss all the friendly people I've met around various ashtrays. You smokers all know what I mean. Where else do you see VP's chatting with janitors? I was going to point out how all those friendly people seem to have migrated "here" - meaning the Chantix blogs. Seriously, what a bunch of supportive, funny, interesting people. Let's all vow to stay this way and not become snooty, judgmental nonsmokers.

But anyway - I'm cutting these thoughts short so that I can send all my best wishes to Stan. It seems that he was reading my blog at work and someone caught the TITLE of the blog, but not the substance. I fervently hope that Stan has not been labeled a porn-monger by his work. Yikes.

(I'll change it back to "Stripped" after Stan is in the clear.)

24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, this post is not about the TV show. Jack Bauer can kiss my butt because....

I have now officially been 24 hours without a cigarette!!!

Woo hoo. I do have to admit that if someone offered me one right now, I would have an incredibly hard time saying no (and would probably say yes). But I don't have any in the house (that includes ashtrays - car ashtrays even) and I will not be going to the store or sending anyone else.

This is so much easier than it was on Day 8. I do miss the cigs, but I'm so happy this is working out. I think it's just going to get easier as I go along and I will miss them less and less. I am so optimistic and happy right. *dances around the room*

Chantix - Days 16 & 17

So far so good for quit day. I really have no urge for a cigarette - yet. I'm on my lunch break right now and I haven't been smoking at this time for the last week or so. I think tonight might be a little more difficult. But there are actually no cigarettes anywhere in the house. I'm pretty confident I can make it without a run to the store.

I really have to say that I think the directions for Chantix need to be re-evaluated. A week on the lower dose just did not cut it for me. Go back and read my Day 7 and 8 posts - I was a MESS. But here I am now a week and a half later and I feel pretty good. I'm a little nervous about tonight, but I'm not dreading it like I did before. Also on Day 8 when I tried to quit I was a complete wreck all day long. Maybe I was such a heavy smoker that a week wasn't long enough. I wish they had a way for a person to better gauge when their quit day should be. Also, I think it was beneficial for me to have a week of tapering off. For me here's what seemed (so far) to work:

Week 1 - start the pills, regular smoking
Week 2 - cut way back - I got down to about 4 on weekdays, 6 on weekends
Week 3 - quit

Maybe this wouldn't work for everyone, but it could be an option. Of course this does mean that I'll likely have to take the pills for longer, but I'm ok with that. Better the pills than the butts.

More weird dreams last night. I slept from about 7:30 pm to midnight and then was up until 4:00 am. Yuck. I'm not tired right now, but I'm sure I will be tonight. I'm going to try very hard to stay up until at least 9:00 tonight so that this doesn't happen again.

Sleep

As my regular readers (all three of them) know, I have sleep problems. The Chantix isn't helping. I keep having these weird dreams and when I wake up, I'm TOTALLY awake. I also kind of don't want to go back to sleep because the dreams are so weird. So now here I am at 3 am doing this. Bleh. To make matters worse, since I'm so tired all day I wind up taking a nap at a stupid time when I get home. I'm all messed up now. It's probably a good thing I'm not a surgeon or a trucker or someone who makes nuclear things. I really want a cigarette right now, but I don't know where they are. And I'm not quite mean enough to wake up my husband to make him give me one. My mom used to give me a bad time for "wasting" my cigarettes - I'd leave this really long butts in all the ashtrays. Well now I smoke them to the NUB, so I can't even pick out a butt to puff on. Yuck. That's so nasty isn't it? To paw through a dirty old ashtray for a cigarette - gross. I'll be so glad when this is over. Something to think about - smokers are really the only people over the age of 3 who will drop something out of their mouth onto the ground and then pick it up and put it right back in their mouth. What a fun habit.

Chantix - Day 15

Dreams. Wow. I have been having some loopy dreams. Last night it was that I slid on my back behind the entertainment center. I knew it was way too small for me to fit back there, but I also knew I was dreaming and could do it if I wanted. I have no idea why I wanted to get back there - I'm sure it's a horror of dust and cat fur. Anyway, I'm back there and then I stand up - there's plenty of room. I then decide to come out from behind the stupid thing and I tell myself, "well because I'm dreaming the whole living room is going to be gone and something really scary is going to be there." Sure enough, the whole living room was gone and I was like in the middle of the jungle. I wake up on the couch and my fat cat is sitting on my chest and I can barely breathe. So then I *really* wake up and of course there's not cat on me and I'm not in the jungle. Freaky. I'm sure there's a really slick interpretation of all this - coming out from behind smoking is scary and the big cat on me is the cigs that stop my breathing - too slick maybe? But I've had lots of weird dreams in the past week that weren't so easy to interpret. The dreams aren't really scary or unpleasant - just super strange and extraordinarily vivid. I could really feel that cat sitting on me - he's huge and weighs a ton.

Rama

Any science fictions fans reading this? I hope so. I'm not a HUGE sci-fi fan, but I do really like Arthur C. Clarke. I am currently re-reading Rendezvous with Rama and plan to follow-up with the next 3 in the series. So here's my problem. I do not function well with visual things. I can't judge distances or height or anything like that. My ceilings are all about 20 ft. tall for all I know. North is always whatever direction I'm facing. I measure distance in time - she lives 10 minutes from me. Do you get it? This book describes the inside of Rama in pretty good detail, but I can't seem to visualize any of it. It doesn't help that everything is in the metric system. So - if anyone has read this book, do you know of anywhere on line I can find like a map of the inside of it? (Does this question make me a total geek? Probably, but I accepted my geekiness long ago.)

Chantix - Day 14

I had the opportunity for a little self-test and I failed miserably. Something happened tonight that made me REALLY upset and I wound up chain-smoking 3 cigarettes in a row. So now I know I need to work on that aspect of things. I do tend to smoke a lot when I'm upset or stressed. I was actually doing really well today before that happened. Maybe I'll get a punching bag - take up boxing for stress and to work out. Too bad there's no tall buildings here - I could do that Rocky-up-the-steps thing.

Despite what happened tonight, I've really been looking forward to being done with this whole thing. I hate the idea of being "controlled" by something. I also really love looking at the Quit Meter on Maggie's site. I can't wait to put one of those on here.

Chantix - Days 12 & 13

Watched a dumb movie and fell asleep last night so no post. Nothing really new to report. I'm holding steady at about 4 cigarettes a day. I am going to take Maggie and Stan's advice and set this coming Wednesday as my quit date.

I was reading Stan's blog and he said something about the cigarettes not tasting very good. I'm kind of noticing that too. They sort of taste like....I don't know....dirt or icky coffee grounds or something. Not very pleasant. I get these cravings and then light up and....yuck. Then I have to eat or drink something to get the taste out of my mouth. Weird. I'm also noticing that it's VERY hard to see people smoking - even on TV. I guess it's a good thing I don't hang out in bars. I don't know if I'll ever be able to see my mom again! ;)

My birthday is coming up in about a month. I'm trying to look at this whole process as birthday present to myself. Maybe giving myself a few more birthdays.

Chantix - Day 11

Sorry I'm not being better about responding to all the great comments. I wound up sleeping most of the day. Of course, I did manage to get in a few cigs. I think I need to reevaluate where I am with this. Maybe setting a new quit day is the way to go. In any event, I'm way too fuzzy-headed to think about this right now. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

Chantix - Day 10

I have bronchitis. How ironic is that? I finally get around to quitting and then get sick with something I always get sick with because I smoke. Funny. I've had 3 today but I'm going to bed very soon so that will likely be it. I've been reading a lot of the other Chantix blogs. I'm glad I haven't had too many bad side effects. Other than the headache the first day there's been nothing - no stomach problems at all - and I have had some really bizarro dreams, but I have dreams like that on a regular basis (remind me some time to blog about "Hislop"). Reading the other blogs has been sooooooooo helpful. One common theme is that it seems to take people way more than one week to quit - as the directions suggest. I even asked the doctor about that today and she says that she's starting to tell people to set their quit date further out - although this means they'll likely be taking it for longer. I find that interesting. I wonder if the drug company might revise their instructions. Anyway - I'm off to lie down as this bronchitis is really wiping me out.