Where to begin?

It's been a rough time.

So here's the deal. I refilled my Chantix prescription. I started taking them on Monday and hopefully will be done smoking next Monday. Last time it took me longer than a week, but I think this time will be different. I cannot wait to be done with these stinky horrible things. I already had a wacky Chantix dream. I won't type it all out but it involved mystical orange cats, a fat gay guy, tornados, and 6 inches of snow. I may be losing my mind.

In other news, I managed to slip on some stairs last Friday and re-injure my injured knee. Brilliant, I know. This is all directly attributable to me being shallow enough to buy shoes for cuteness with no regard to sturdiness. I saw the orthopedic surgeon and he said that I did not tear my newly reconstructed ACL. He thinks I tore some cartilage and maybe hurt my hamstring (which is already weak because that's where they harvested the new ACL from). He stuck a GIGANTIC HORRIBLE PAINFUL AWFUL WRETCHED needle right into the space beside my kneecap and shot me up with steroids. I almost punched him in the neck. But I'm glad I refrained because he's a nice guy and the steroids kicked in today and I feel tons better. I hope 'roid rage doesn't kick in too.

So that's where I am. Thank you all for the concern. There is a TON of other stuff going on, but I don't want to blab all my stuff out here on the Internets for the world to see. Things are steadily looking up though and I'm in a much better place than the weekend I started smoking like a house afire. It's all good dude.

Epic Fail

If you ever want a really good laugh, head on over to Fail Blog. They've got some really funny stuff on there.

In other fail news, I've been chain-smoking for about 72 hours straight. My throat feels like it's made of ground glass....and lava. I'm not going to go into what's making me do this...mostly because it's waaaaaaaaaay too long to type out. haha But I do have a plan.

I think I have one refill left on my original Chantix prescription. I need to call Walgreens and check. If not, I'll call my doctor on Monday and get another prescription. I do not want to be a smoker again.

I hate this.

Quite Possibly the Dumbest Thing I've Ever Read

There are lots and lots of good reasons to try to make a marriage work. There are also many understandable reasons to leave a marriage. People have their own reasons for doing whatever they do. But I honestly cannot imagine a scenario that would go something like this:

"Honey, I'm leaving you - it's over."

"You can't leave me."

"Why not?"

"Because it's bad for the planet."

Give me a break. This makes me want to burn tires again.

Also - I saw that tortoise and hare Chantix commercial tonight. I know it's not the same guy, but the narrator sounds just like the guy from those old 7Up commercials. I kept expecting to hear, "Nevah had it, nevah will."

Strange

I just read a story that TV Land and Entertainment Weekly have come up with a list of the 50 greatest TV icons - this will air on some channel some time..I didn't really pay attention to that. I get kind of sick of these X number of greatest Y lists. (Although this list apparently puts Johnny Carson first - I gotta agree with that. I STILL miss him at 10:30.) Anyway, what struck me as strange is that I went to the TV Land website to see the whole list and apparently this thing is sponsored by Chantix. I have to wonder why Chantix would choose to sponsor this event, of all things. I just find it kind of ironic given how many early TV shows were sponsored by tobacco companies. I didn't see the whole list, but I would assume that many of these "icons" are going to be from older shows (e.g. I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, etc.) where smoking was A-OK. Maybe the makers of Chantix are trying to target all those folks who grew up smoking right along with those shows and are now trying to quit. I actually find that kind of infuriating for people in that demographic. (I may miss Johnny but I Love Lucy and The Honeymooners were WAY before my time.) To go years and years seeing all that cigarette advertising and now have to sit through quit smoking advertising. Honestly - I'm thrilled that I was able to quit smoking with this pill, but...I don't know...it seems so pushy to be sponsoring this thing. Maybe I'm being weird, but I just find the whole thing slightly distasteful. Does anyone remember what killed Mr. Carson?? Emphysema. I guess Chantix was too late for him.

Ok, now I'm REALLY going to bed.

Preliminary findings and crazy dreams

Saw the orthopedic surgeon yesterday. He feels I have stretched or torn my ACL, MCL, and medial meniscus (go look 'em up, it's kind of neat how a knee works on a non-clumsy person). I will be going in for an MRI on Monday to determine if it's a tear or a stretch. A tear means surgery. Bleh. The Dr. thinks it's a tear. Bleh bleh. In any event, it will be next Wednesday before I have the final news. He also said that I don't have to use the crutches AND wear the brace, but I have to use at least one of them. For some insane reason, he thinks I could fall and hurt myself. I have no idea where he would get such an idea! The knee still really hurts - especially if I move around too much. Luckily I have VERY nice bosses and they are cool with me working half-days in the office along with working from home. Hopefully I won't have to burn up too much of my leave. This is really going to be a horrible process. But like I said originally, it could be have been WAY worse. We have this huge glass and metal desk near the bottom of those steps - I could have bashed my fool head on that thing. Brr.

I have finally quit taking the Chantix. (And really, who needs Chantix or smokes when you have Vicodin??? hahahaha) I had kind of hoped that my crazy dreams were all done. This is not the case. I have been having horrible dreams where the fall happens again and again. It's very vivid and scary. I think I might have a touch of PTSD. I wake up waving my arms like I'm trying to keep myself balanced. I also keep hearing my own screams in my head. I honestly do not think I've ever screamed like I did when I finally hit the floor.

Wow this post seems like kind of a downer. I really don't feel too down, despite the circumstances. (Two other things happened since my fall - one REALLY horrible, and one bad like mine - but they are things that are VERY personal to other people so I don't feel it's appropriate for me to write about. Let's just say I hope this is the end of the bad luck for a while.) It's going to be a long haul, but I feel fairly upbeat. Honestly, I think the quit has helped. Now I can tell myself, "If I can quit smoking, I can SURELY do this!!" It's kind of a nice pick-me-up.

So....

...here's what happened.

It was a bad couple of weeks culminating in a bad weekend leading to a bad morning. This is not an excuse - it just is what it is. In the throes of a tantrum (me??? a tantrum??? I know how shocked you all are, but stretch your imaginations ;), I bought a pack of cigarettes. Lovely lovely Winston's. I smoked one.

One.

It was such a bizarre experience. I suppose that my very first cigarette ever was similar, but I don't remember that far back (11? 12? 9?....I dunno). The first big lungful was just heaven - just a flood of sweet smoke and everything I had been missing.

BUT....

Then the taste. How can I describe this? 'Bottom of a shoe' is probably the closest I can get. It was so horrible. It just like coated the inside of my mouth and nose. Egaherblarghwerwyucky. The smell. Not good. All those times I walked by someone smoking and thought it smelled so good.....WRONG. It's one thing to walk by someone doing it....but it was in my nose and all around and just gross. Just holding the dang thing felt weird and foreign.

So then I cried, shredded the rest of the pack, and flushed it all down the toilet. Nothing too dramatic. Just a momentary lack of concentration. Or something similar to that.

The Quit Meter. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Tick tick tick. It just seemed to be mocking me. If I'm really a "non-smoker" why do I have to count up all my non-smoking days. Seems silly. I understand that for the Fill-in-the-blank Anonymous people there is some value to getting the monthly or yearly chips.

(Wait. Just a dang minute now. They don't give the Gambler's Anonymous people chips to celebrate the time gone by do they??? I'm not trying to be snarky or make fun...but seriously....what do those folks get??? Because a chip would be like a 30 days sober commemorative shot glass. Not good.)

Sorry - where was I? Quit meter. Ok so I'm sick of it and I'm not putting it back up. I know the date I quit - August 8. I'm unlikely to forget the date as it is a big day (and a month before my birthday).

Chantix. I took a pill after I smoked that cigarette and have not taken one since. There is no real reason for this. Other than maybe I'm somewhat sick of the whole process. This does not me that I'm sick of the other bloggers or the topic. Mostly I'm just sick of ME. I'm bored with me smoking, me quitting, me being tempted, me smelling smoke, me worried about smoking, me and insurance. There are lots of other things about me that I'm still totally fascinated with...but ME smoking or quitting...eh...not so much. Plus I think that obsessing about it just keeps it at the forefront of my mind. It's weird. For me.

*Whew* This is way longer than I intended. I still plan to keep up with all the other Chantix bloggers. Y'all are way too cool and interesting (and in the case of Ren's video - very cute ;) to not read. But I may just give the smoking/quitting topic a rest for a while. I'll still blog about the other things that catch my eye. If you want to stick around for that - swell. If not - also swell, may you live in interesting times.

:)

Finally Finally Finally Friday

Wow it's been a crap week. The other day I stopped my van and noticed that the odometer was at 77777. I thought that was really cool and took a picture of it with my phone. If I were more technically literate, I would know how to get the picture off my phone and post it here. But anyway, I kind of thought that the 7's were a harbinger of a lucky week.

WRONG.

The 7's mean nothing!! If you see this on your vehicle - just ignore it. Really all it means is that your vehicle is going to start breaking down in weird and interesting ways very soon. The warranty is gone. Start saving up for something new (and hopefully not as dorky as a van).

So this has been my mood all week. Kind of bratty and tantrum-y. That's why no posts for a few days. The ultimate irony is that the van is actually fine. (Except for that annoying "run the heat on full blast or have no heat at all" glitch.) It was everything else that went to heck. Squabbled with everyone, insanely busy at work, not enough sleep, etc. But no smoking. So that's good. I have been SORELY tempted. I also missed my pill two days. Can't remember which ones though - maybe Tuesday and Thursday. I think what has kept me from smoking is really trying to face all the downfalls of it. It rained here all week and I would have been making mad dashes to the 7-mobile to smoke without getting drenched. I do NOT miss the smell in the house. I felt bad for a guy who just reeked of smoke stink. These things are all so helpful to staying away from the butts.

Well I'm just rambling now, so I leave you with one last funny thing. Jeff bought me a pack of M&M's and they just sat unopened on the computer desk for a couple of days. (This is not amazing willpower on my part - I've been nibbling on an embarrassingly huge Toblerone.) Last night Dylan and I were goofing around with Noah. He walked away from us and then turned back around and came towards me. With the world's most serious look on his face, he said....and I quote..."Mom, I just want you to know that I opened your M&M's for you." Dylan and I looked at each other and just cracked up. What a grand, selfless act. That's what the problem was. I couldn't get them open. Naturally, I had to go see the state they were in. He actually left some for me to eat. I suppose he did deserve half the bag since he had to expend all that effort getting it open. That kid is a nut.

A bunch

I've had about 10 topics swirling around in my head for the past couple of days - let's see how many I can remember.

1. Brave
I just found out that one of my cousins is going back to the middle east for the third time. He was in the first Gulf war, went back after 9/11, and is heading back again. I have no desire to engage anyone in a political argument with this topic. I just want to tell the world that I am amazingly proud of him and fervently hope he comes back safely to his wife and two little boys.

2. Joe Exotic
On a wildly different note, we went to see a magician called Joe Exotic today. I've never actually been to a magic show before, so have no real reference point from which to judge this guy. I'll just say - not bad. Lots of loud noises and fake smoke - that was not fun. I only bring it up because this guy does what he does to support an interesting cause. Part of the show is very much aimed at kids. He talks quite a bit about saying no to drugs, drinking and driving, and not picking on people. On top of all that, this show is in support of the G.W. Exotic Animal Park. Apparently there are thousands of exotic animals in this country that get dumped after their idiot owners realize that owning an 800 lb. tiger that wants to eat children is NOT a great idea. So this park takes these animals and supports them. Something different on a Saturday afternoon.

3. Noah is scary
Did any of you see Toy Story? As I was typing the last section, Noah came up and asked me to "fix" his toy. He has this little guy that rides a motorcycle. For some reason, the arms and legs come off this guy. Noah wanted me to put the legs where the arms go and the arms where the legs go. Okay freaky Sid - no problem.

4. Chantix
Okay. I've kind of decided to start tapering off. I am no where NEAR as organized as Maggie so this is going to be totally haphazard. I am also not going to consult my doctor (there's me riding the ragged edge of disaster again). She already told me I could taper or just stop on my own when I felt I was ready. Here are my 2 reasons (one good and one stupid). One - I feel pretty good about my ability to resist smoking. I think I'll do okay. I think it will be HARD without Chantix, but okay. Two - I'm sick of taking 2 pills every day and can't remember to do it. I know that's just lame, but it's true. In the past week there were 3 days when I only had one pill because I forgot the morning dose. So I might as well switch over to one pill a day anyway. I'm going to do this with the bottle I have left (20 or so pills) and then re-evaluate. I SERIOUSLY doubt that I am going to go through the pill-splitting like Maggie did. I am way too disorganized (ok - lazy) to try that. I might try an every other day thing though. Stay tuned for updates.

5. The gays and the coloreds
(By the way I ***am*** willing to get into a political argument on this topic)
I recently had someone tell me "we didn't have 'the gays' when I was younger." At some other point in the conversation, the person mentioned, "the coloreds." I so badly wanted to say, "you had just as many of 'the gays' as you do now, but they saw how you treated 'the coloreds' back then and decided to stay out of your way." But I didn't do that. This person is of a certain age and it would have been a senseless argument. In the same set of circumstances I had someone tell me that a certain university should not have had to get rid of their Native American (these would be "the reds" I assume) mascot because "they had that mascot for so long." Ok. Sure. I've written about the mascot issue before. (Ha ha - that post has a picture of Noah with a pull-up on his head.) Anyway, I don't get too bent out of shape about mascots - it's very very low on my radar. But the whole set of conversations just made me a little sad. Maybe my generation and younger is messed up in a lot of different ways, but I do think we're WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY more tolerant (as a general rule). Sometimes this is not good in terms of being apathetic towards things, but mostly I think it's a good thing.

Okay, I remembered five of the maybe 10. That's fairly good for my head.

Dream and Disclaimer

Dream:

Had a doozy last night. Bleh....I just tried to type out the whole thing and it's just too boring and weird. I'll sum up. The kicker is that Jeff and I were watching "Gone With the Wind" at my mom's house. Then we got in our van and started driving. When we got in, I immediately lit up a cigarette. I took a couple of puffs and turned to Jeff and said, "Oh my god...look what I'm doing!!!" He then said, "Oh no! Put it out!! Hey - you were smoking all through that movie!" Then I said, "I was, wasn't I??? How could I do that??" And then a couple more crazy things and I woke up.

Here's what I think - we are leaving Saturday to go visit Jeff's parents in St. Louis. My mom is coming with us for a complicated reason that's not interesting enough to get into. I must be a little worried about being cooped up with a smoker in my van. That being said, let's get to the disclaimer part of this post.

She says she is NOT going to smoke in my van, but that we will have to make stops. I said that she can sit in the way back and smoke near the vents - it's fine with me. I need to learn to be around smokers without breaking down. (HEY! I went to lunch with a friend today and she smoked 2 or 3 cigs right across the table and I did fine!! YAY ME!). Also I don't want to be stopping anymore than Noah requires (because he is ultimately in charge of everything - I fear). But she insists that she will not smoke in my van because if doing so makes me start smoking again then it will be PERCEIVED TO BE all her fault that I started again just as it is all her fault that I started in the first place. (Note - she doesn't think this is true...but some people do.)

DISCLAIMER: It is not, nor was it ever, my mother's fault that I was a smoker. I made a decision on my own to start and keep smoking. Furthermore, if I start smoking again, it will still not be her fault. I make my own decisions and take credit for my own mistakes AND victories.

She's probably going to be mad that I wrote about her. But seriously - I don't blame her for me smoking. To blame my mom for my smoking is insulting to both of us. It makes her some kind of weird hybrid of Mommie Dearest and Svengali and it makes me a completely spineless mama's girl who can't think for herself. No thanks.

I also do not blame the media or movies or any other kind of outside force. If the movies I watched as a teenager turned me into a smoker, how did I ever manage to survive anything I saw on Looney Tunes??? I never once believed that I could walk off a cliff, hold up a "YIKES!" sign, plummet to the ground, and live to chase that wretched roadrunner another day. Gimme a break. Oh no!! I said "gimme a break" it must be Nell Carter exerting her evil influence through the TV. (10,000 bonus points to those that know what I'm talking about.)

This seems a rather long post just to assuage my mom, but that's not even really the point. I hate that our society doesn't want anyone to be responsible for their own life. Anything bad that someone does is because of some sort of external influence (bad parents, bad school, bad racist patriarchal society, bad politicans, etc.) - not because that someone is DELIBERATELY making bad choices. Also if anyone does something good they have to give all the credit to someone else.

I accept that there are people who touch our lives for better or worse. The proof of that are these Chantix blogs. But at the end of the day, we each make our OWN decisions. We can look at the actions and experience of others, but there is still an internal thought process that goes on to either accept as good or reject as bad those actions. As a mother it's so hard to instill personal responsibility into a child. They always want to push the blame away from themselves. I'm constantly trying to get my children (mostly Dylan given the ages) to see how THEIR decisions lead to certain outcomes - it wasn't their friends, or their teachers, or whatever. I think the reason it's so hard to do this is because of the way our society is now. It's a constant battle.

Anyway...I didn't mean to go on and on....it's just something I feel very strongly about. As to this trip - we're leaving early Saturday morning and will not be back until the following Saturday. Jeff's parents do not have internet (I may die) so I will not be posting until I return. Hope you all have a lovely first week of October. And if you don't - well what the hell....blame it on me. :)

Another Insurance Update

A month ago I blogged about how much Chantix cost me with my insurance. At that time, my total cost was $56.60. I stopped back at Walgreens today to pick up my second month supply. Apparently when I picked up my supply last month, I hadn't yet reached whatever the deductible is on my prescription insurance plan. But now I have. So today I bought my new month supply for $25 out of pocket. I almost feel guilty about this. I know there are people paying 5 times that amount. But I don't feel guilty enough to write any of you a check. :)

I really am just grateful that my insurance company seems to see the logic of paying for this. The savings they potentially face with my NOT having so many smoker-related illnesses will waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than offset the cost of this drug for a few months. South Dakota....land of enlightenment. (Happy Mom???)

...

I have gotten about 85% of the way to convincing myself to go get a pack of smokes. I think I need to take my evening Chantix and go to bed. I'm usually pretty convincing AND easily convinced.

One month

My quit meter says 4 weeks and 2 days (it'll probably switch to 3 days at 6:30-ish). I actually smoked my very last cigarette at about 6:30 pm on August 7. One calendar month. I can't believe it. I think I've given myself a pretty good birthday present this year (it's tomorrow - in case you were wanting to send me a fabulous gift ;). Now I can focus on lasting through December. That will be when I can drop the smoker fee off my health insurance - just in time for Christmas.

I've been reading Maggie's posts about tapering and finally taking her last dose (link to the side). I find that idea utterly terrifying. I'm looking forward to being off these pills, but I also want to be REALLY sure that I'm officially a non-smoker before I stop. My somewhat loosely formed plan is to do at least one more month of pills. Maybe even two. My doctor approved me for 4 more refills, but I really hope I don't need that many.

I can't remember what I was dreaming before I woke up, but it must have been a doozy. My husband was trying to wake me up this morning and he says that I kept telling him that I was not going to get in the shower until the other guy got out. And the other guy was someone from a TV show - but Jeff can't remember who. How weird. As if my hub really wants me showering with an actor. I barely remember any of this, but I do remember feeling kind of offended. Funny.

Terrible Dream

I had an awful dream last night. We used to live in a suburb of Minneapolis when I was a little girl. In my dream I was alone in that house with Noah. Jeff, Dylan, my mom, and my dad were out of town and I was staying in that house. No one had lived there since I was little, but for some reason I was there. Anyway, I woke up early in the morning - like 4:00 or so and all the power was out. I looked out the window and could see lightning off in the distance and figured that a storm had gone through. I started groping around the house looking for a flashlight. I had to use the light-up feature of my cell phone to see anything. I wound up calling my mom to ask her where to find a flashlight. She was telling me places to look, but it was so dark that I couldn't really see. At one point she told me to use my lighter. Haha. I had to remind her that I quit smoking and didn't have a lighter. She directed me to go outside and look in this old shed, but all I found in there were metal shelf brackets. Weird. Then I saw a neighbor out walking his dog. I asked the man if the power was out at his house. He said no and gestured back the way he came. I then realized that my house was the only one without power. At that point my mom said she had a call on her other line and she had to take it because it was her mailman from the house they actually live in now. I'm heading back towards the garage to go back inside and she comes back on the line and she screaming. She says that the mailman said that some kind of freaky bad guy was at their real house and figured out that I was at the Minneapolis house all by myself. I panic and start running back in because I had left Noah in there sleeping. As soon as I got into the garage I could hear this crazy laughter. Brrrrr. Then I woke up.

I was so freaked out when I woke up. I started like whopping Jeff on the leg. Poor guy - he was so confused. I made him turn the light on because I wanted to be absolutely sure the lights worked. That's how vivid these dreams are. Even though I knew it was a dream and I knew I was now awake, I just HAD to make sure it was over by having the light on. It was horrible. At some point during the night Noah had climbed in with us. Once Jeff had the light on and I could see Noah I calmed down a bit. I just clung to that little guy after that. It took me a long time to get back to sleep. Most of my Chantix dreams have just been kind of strange, but this one was really scary. And again - so vivid. When I was outside talking to that neighbor I could actually feel wind on me and smell the flowers and trees and stuff. I hope I don't have a really scary one like this again - it's almost enough to make a person start smoking!! ;)

Kind of a boring post - feel free to skip

I have nothing to report really today. No big urges. Didn't even really think about it. I think I really am starting to get more worried about the eating. I'm overweight as it is and I really do NOT need to be adding to this.

Hey - just to veer off on a totally different topic. Is anyone or does anyone know anyone who's taking that Alli stuff? Does that not sound INSANE???? If you think the Chantix side effects are bad, read the back of one of those bottles. EWWWWWW! There's no way. I'd staple my lips together first. Bleh.

Ok, sorry. So Ren was blogging about how much better his skin looks. I have not had this experience at all. Ever since I had Noah my skin has been horrible. I look like a 15 year old. Someone was telling me that Elizabeth Arden makes this stuff that just works wonders. I looked it up and it costs $62 for like a billionth of an ounce. I'm pretty sure my insurance is not going to cover that.

What else is new? Dylan started back to school this week. Last night I was helping him with his Algebra. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm easily the worst person in the world to be helping someone with Algebra. He got two of the homework questions wrong - probably my fault. I told him that I'm good for about one more chapter and then he's going to have to get after school help. Noah also got a promotion at his preschool. He's very excited about being such a big boy. I do think I should be able to handle helping Noah with his math work. Maybe.

SING!!!!

One of the happy discoveries I made this weekend had to do with singing. While I'd like to believe that quitting smoking has made me pitch perfect, that might be taking things too far. BUT. Quitting certainly has helped me sustain those long notes. I had the whole house to myself and just sang my little heart (but not lungs) out.

I also have made a sad discovery. I am eating WAY too much. And WAY too much of what I'm eating is junk. I've got to find something else to do when I have the urge to smoke - or else buy a ton of fruit to munch or something. The inside of my mouth is just raw from all the sunflower seeds I've had - luckily I have no blood pressure problems because I've had a ton of salt from those seeds. String cheese is the other thing I'm wolfing down like mad. At least that has calcium, but I need to cut back on this stuffing myself.

Why can't this just be easier????? (***TANTRUM ALERT***) Why can't cheesecake have zero calories and Shredded Wheat cause cancer? Why can't cigarettes smooth wrinkles and jogging cause hair loss??? Why can't coffee regulate your heart beat and V-8 make you bleed from your eyes???? WHY??? What a crap state of affairs.

Ok - I'll quit being 4 years old. Maybe this big, booming voice is about ready to say, "BECAUSE I SAID SO." Bleh.

THREE WEEKS!!!!

I can't believe it's been three weeks. Woohoo!!

I was at the grocery store this morning and did notice the cigarettes, but had no mad urge to buy any. I had a couple of small tugs but they were so fleeting that I can't even remember what time of day or the circumstances.

Wow - earlier today I thought of a bunch of cool/funny/interesting stuff I wanted to blog about. But now I'm so tired my mind is just a blank. ZZZZZZZ. I'll try again tomorrow.

Plan....

I say all the Chantix bloggers set up a fund. If any one of us falls off the quit bandwagon, we use some money from the fund to buy this:

Haha.

Didn't Smoke & The Weirdest Dream Yet

I didn't smoke. That's all I want to say about last weekend.

The dream I had last night has to be the freakiest one so far. But let me preface this by making two points. First of all, there is this big rift in my (very large) extended family. Various people aren't speaking to various other people for a variety of reasons. I'm fairly uninvolved in all this because A) I haven't been back here long enough to get involved and B) I have absolutely no desire to get involved. I have my own opinions about the various tiffs, but I keep them to myself. (Let me also say that, by and large, my extended family is made up of really wonderful people - smart, funny, great story tellers, etc. - we're not all a bunch of snarling grudge-holders.) So that was point one. Point two is that I am a complete unbeliever. Ghosts, psychic abilities, clairvoyance, space aliens, faeries, Bigfoot, chupacabra, the Loch Ness monster, EVP....you name it, I don't believe it. Show me SOLID evidence (as opposed to jittery night vision tapes on You Tube) and I might change my mind. But until I see some REAL evidence - no way. So it's not like I believe that dreams can predict the future or any other such nonsense.

BUT....

With all that being said, my dream still really freaked me out. In the dream my two boys were standing in our family cemetery looking at a couple of headstones. And the boys were waaaaay older. I'd say Noah was in his mid 50's and Dylan in his mid to late 60's. So they're standing there looking at the graves of a couple of my uncles. Dylan tells Noah that he thinks that the two uncles didn't like each other or died without speaking to each other ever again. Noah asked him why and Dylan said that he couldn't remember exactly what the whole thing was about. Noah then told Dylan that he thought it was pretty stupid for two brothers to end their lives that way. OH...also....there were some kids like running around in the background and somehow I knew that these were Noah and Dylan's kids or grandkids. So then the whole scene changed and went into the future and there were two other men standing there looking at Noah and Dylan's graves. (I know it's creepy to dream about my kids' graves - it's all Chantix). And I knew somehow that these two men were also brothers and either grandsons of Noah or of Dylan. And what they're talking about is how much Noah and Dylan loved each other all their lives. Then they turn and look back at my uncles' graves and one says that his dad told him that those two (my uncles) died not speaking to each other. And the two men agree how stupid and wasteful it is for brothers to be like that - especially because now no one even remembers what the problem was in the first place.

I swear I was almost crying when I woke up.

Nausea

Why? Why? I must have jinxed myself. All this time I was feeling so sorry for the people who had nausea from these pills. And now it's happening to me. No one gets the flu in mid-August, it can't be food poisoning since Jeff and I ate the same foods yesterday, and there's no WAY I'm pregnant. Maybe I just have myself all worked up over this weekend? I don't know. But I feel utterly wretched. Bleh. I'm going to go lie back down.

Dream update

I really should start writing these down. (I guess I am on here - duh)

Somehow I was on a HUGE hill - not a mountain, just a hill - looking out over this kind of English looking countryside. I had a really wide-ranging view of all this. I was with two people from my work (that I rarely ever deal with). Anyway, there were castles all over the place. Some of them were English looking, some of them were more Taj Mahal-ish, and some looked Asian. But the weird part was that right in the middle of this was this gigantic, plastic, garish-colored, loud McDonald's castle. Plus a huge storm was building up.