Where to begin?

It's been a rough time.

So here's the deal. I refilled my Chantix prescription. I started taking them on Monday and hopefully will be done smoking next Monday. Last time it took me longer than a week, but I think this time will be different. I cannot wait to be done with these stinky horrible things. I already had a wacky Chantix dream. I won't type it all out but it involved mystical orange cats, a fat gay guy, tornados, and 6 inches of snow. I may be losing my mind.

In other news, I managed to slip on some stairs last Friday and re-injure my injured knee. Brilliant, I know. This is all directly attributable to me being shallow enough to buy shoes for cuteness with no regard to sturdiness. I saw the orthopedic surgeon and he said that I did not tear my newly reconstructed ACL. He thinks I tore some cartilage and maybe hurt my hamstring (which is already weak because that's where they harvested the new ACL from). He stuck a GIGANTIC HORRIBLE PAINFUL AWFUL WRETCHED needle right into the space beside my kneecap and shot me up with steroids. I almost punched him in the neck. But I'm glad I refrained because he's a nice guy and the steroids kicked in today and I feel tons better. I hope 'roid rage doesn't kick in too.

So that's where I am. Thank you all for the concern. There is a TON of other stuff going on, but I don't want to blab all my stuff out here on the Internets for the world to see. Things are steadily looking up though and I'm in a much better place than the weekend I started smoking like a house afire. It's all good dude.

***WARNING - WARNING - WARNING***

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN

IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH

GRAPHIC PICTURES TO FOLLOW

Ok, your fault. I warned you.

Exactly 6 months ago tomorrow, I took my little tumble down the stairs. That was a lot of fun. I wound up tearing my anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) completely in half as well as damaging some cartilage (meniscus). I do not recommend this. About a month after the fall, I had reconstructive surgery on my knee. The surgeon harvested from my hamstring and created a new ACL for me. This sounds super gross, but the other alternative is to harvest from a cadaver. Yup. CADAVER. NOOOOOOOO thank you. No cadaver parts for me. Uh huh. No way.

So anyway, my orthopedic surgeon - who was cool as all hell and cute as all hell for that matter - took some pictures from the inside of my knee. I don't know if he just really likes to give you all the information, really likes his job, really likes photography, or is really completely insane. In any event, while I did consider using the following pictures as our Christmas cards for the year, I managed to restrain myself. Honestly the pictures don't look like much of anything if you didn't know what they were. I think they kind of look like something you'd see at the bottom of the ocean. So if you've stayed with me thus far, here you go. The first is the torn ACL, the second is the torn meniscus, and the third is the graft. No fair giving me comments about how you had an involuntary personal protein spill after viewing these - you were warned. :)

Sticky fingers

I was forced to sit in the waiting room 20 minutes beyond my appointment time. This gave me the confidence to tear a recipe out of the 5 month old Men's Health magazine I was reading. I was recently chastised for too many recipes on here, but I do not respond well to chastisement....or being made to wait.

Anyway, the appointment was with my orthopedic surgeon. It's all good: knee is very stable, things are healing normally, keep doing the exercises that I have been really bad about doing. (I don't respond well to being told to exercise either...apparently.) I have to wear a brace if I'm going to be doing anything beyond normal walking (not bloody likely) and I still need to be cautious is situations where I could lose my balance (which, for me, appears to be MOST SITUATIONS).

So of course I modified the recipe to my taste and here it is (mostly to irritate the person who said no more recipes - that's you Chica):

Cheesy Meatballs

12 oz lean ground beef
1/2 cup bread crumbs
2 eggs
italian seasoning to taste
3 green onions, chopped fine
3 gloves garlic, minced
Cheese cubes (we found a provelone/feta/parmesan mix)
1 can crushed tomatoes
1 jar artichoke hearts, chopped
salt/pepper to taste

Mix beef, bread crumbs, eggs, seasoning, 1/2 of onions, and 1/2 of garlic into meatballs - slightly larger than golf ball size.
Press thumb into meatball to make an indentation. Place cheese in indentation and fold meat back over to cover.
Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat and sear meatballs until evenly brown. Remove to plate. Add remaining onion and garlic - saute until light brown. Put meatballs back in and add tomatoes and artichoke hearts. cook over low heat for 1/2 hour.
Season with salt and pepper and serve over pasta or rice.

Off to go make this now. Sounds tasty, yeah? Update later.

UPDATE: Indeed it was tasty! Although rather than use crushed tomatoes I think next time I'll just make or buy a marinara sauce. Could have used a splash of wine too. I do think it's a keeper though.

Let's Get Physical

Are you going to have that song in your head all day now? Sorry. (She said, evilly.)

***Interruption...I'm watching Paula Dean....I don't know what she's making but I heard her say "mix together two sticks of butter and 2 1/2 cups of powdered sugar"...LOL....Calories and Fat Be Damned!!!....I love her***

OK, back to the topic. My Thursday Thirteen is going to about what I've learned since pinwheeling down my stairs. I choose this topic in honor of my physical therapy appointment today. Here we go:

1. Slow down. None of this would have happened if I could have just chilled out a little bit.

2. I can really shriek.

3. ER doctors have no sense of humor. I'm all whacked out on Vicodin and the guy is looking at my leg. I say, "Wow I would have shaved my legs if I knew this was going to happen." I thought it was a really good sign that I could make a funny in the midst of my crisis, but he just got this indignant look on his face and said, "We don't really care about that." Duh you moron - it was an attempt at levity....join in. Although this may be what prompted him to ask if I had been drinking. ahahaha. I wasn't, by the way.

4. A grown man, teenage boy, and 4 year old boy are totally goofy in their attempts to care for the injured and run the household. Goofy, but really sweet.

5. I can really act like an idiot if given enough Vicodin. My kids have never seen me even slightly tipsy and Dylan thought it was beyond funny how goofy I was acting. I may never live this down.

6. I really, truly hate crutches.

7. Telling people over and over that tripped over your own clumsy self and fell down the steps really gets tiresome. Next time I'll tell a different story to everyone who asks.

8. All the people at my work are really nice and accommodating. This could have been a nightmare with a different group of co-workers, but everyone was really great.

9. I really have no idea how the human body works. Learning about the parts of the knee was really interesting....although I wish I had come by my knowledge in a totally different way.

10. No one believes me when I say that anesthesia makes me REALLY REALLY REALLY sick. Every surgery I've ever had has been made 10 times worse by the entire evening of sick that follows.

11. Even at my great age, my mom will still wade in with fists swinging to get her baby girl what she wants. (I was done getting sick and wanted some broth - they said no - my mom did her mom magic - I got my broth.)

12. Physical therapy is really hard. I want to hate the therapist, but I do believe all these things will help me get back to normal (ha) as soon as possible. But it is hard.

13. I have more respect than you can imagine for people who have to live with physical disabilities everyday. There is an end to this for me, but some people live this every day. Their courage and perseverance must be astonishing.

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For the mice

Julie thought that maybe glow in the dark cats would be good for mice. But according to this article, I think the mice are going to be just fine.

I was kind of gently reminded that I have been a bad blogger lately. Sorry. I guess NaBloPoMo wore me out.

I have been back to work. I still have some swelling in the evenings, but I'm not using the evil evil cryo cuff anymore. No thanks. I also am having a really weird pain that is very hard to describe, but I'll give it a try. OK - this surgery cannot avoid some amount of nerve damage to the front of the leg. So from right below my knee to my ankle I have numb spots. They are very superficial - it's just the skin that's numb....I can feel pressure. Well anyway, I get this shooting, burning pain that goes up and down the front of my leg. It's pretty bad. Have you ever gotten your hands or your feet REALLY cold? Like just-this-side-of-frostbite cold? And then when you start to warm back up it's unbearably painful? That's what this feels like. It seems to happen only at night. I don't know if it's because I'm in a physically different position (lying down or whatever) or because of the stress on the leg during the day. It's really not fun. Also, today was the last day of the crutches. I have been trying to hobble around the house for the past couple of nights. It's very scary. The whole leg is very weak because it hasn't been used. It's almost like I've forgotten how to walk - I can't remember how to make the motion....I feel like I look stupid too. *sigh*

Sorry - I didn't mean to go off on a long pout. It just seems very weird to me to not have any pain at all in either the area of the original injury or the hamstring (from where the new ligament was harvested). I get a little tiny bit sore in the middle of the knee....but not horrible pain like this nerve thing.

Ok - Jeff just brought me a mug of hot chocolate. I am a happy camper now. Leg schmeg. I have warm chocolate liquid and marshmallows. Woo hoo!!

Random

Got the staples out today. Didn't get a chance to save one for Noah. I did, however, get a set of pictures of the inside of my knee. I'm thinking about using the images for our holiday cards this year. They don't really look like anything. I found myself politely nodding at what the doctor was showing me just like you do when someone tries to point things out on an ultrasound picture. I thought about posting the pictures up here, but that seems really grisly.

So I did finish "The Time Traveler's Wife." It was pretty good. A keeper. One I'll likely read again. There are still some free will issues that bother me. I just don't think the wife had many options but to marry the guy. It borders on creepy that he seemed to kind of groom her to be his wife. It got me on a line of thought that could lead to crazy-ville. There seems to be a certain percentage of life that is governed purely by randomness. No matter how many plans you make or how careful you are or what you do, things will happen to you just because. Like....falling down the steps or whatever. How much of the rest of my life is changed because of what happened on those steps? What would be different right this instance if it had never happened? Or....what if Noah was a girl? Would something more fundamental than my floor being covered with Barbies rather than Hot Wheels happen? Or that horrible mall shooting on the news today. Things like that really drive me nuts. What if one of those people decided to go shopping yesterday instead of today? I really can't let myself go down these paths very far. I have to believe that the percentage of our lives that are ruled by chaos is so tiny that the chance of major changes is very small. Maybe that's being completely naive, but if life were HUGELY random, then what would ultimately be the point of planning anything?

There was one other part of the book that bothered me. One of the characters voices the opinion that adopting a child is "cheating" and that they must have a "real" child. The character who says this is otherwise an appealing character - it's not a "bad" character who says/does other "bad" things. I find that viewpoint to be really offensive. Certainly adoption isn't for everyone, but why paint it in such an unflattering light? That attitude makes it seem like the love that adoptive families feel for each other is also not "real" and that it's just a sad substitute for a "real" family. I would hope the author didn't intend to come across this way, but she did.

Swell Time

I tried to go back to work today. By 2:30 my knee had completely ballooned up and hurt like a....thing that hurts bad. I was not a happy camper. I had to come home and elevate it and put the evil cryo cuff back on. I've had many jobs I didn't really like and taken classes that were mind-numbingly boring and would have PAID for a reason to stay home at those times. So now when I have a job I do like, people I like to work with, a ton of stuff to do....of course this happens. I was able to do some stuff from home. It's just frustrating. I even called my mom and had a tantrum over the phone. Bleh.

I have to see the surgeon tomorrow. I wonder if he's going to take out the staples. I have 14 staples covering 3 incisions. Noah has been wildly curious about the staples. He first wanted to know if they hurt (they don't). He then wanted to know if I would have them forever (I'd better not). When I told him that the doctor would take them out he wanted to know if THAT would hurt (I don't think so) and if it would bleed (maybe). I was worried that he would find my leg scary or upsetting - but he's cool with it all. He's mostly curious. I almost wish I could take him with me when I get them out. Is that creepy? (Kat???) Maybe I'll save one for him.

I'm reading a very strange book called "The Time Traveler's Wife." I think I like it. I really like the idea of time travel. This book is kind of messing me up though. The wife of the title meets her husband when she's 6 and he's....I don't know...way older. She keeps meeting him throughout her childhood/teen years. Then they "really" meet when she's 20 and he's 28. But as he gets older he goes back to visit her when she's younger. Ok. Well he would not have done that in the future if he had not met her and married her at 28 right? But SHE would not have loved and married him at 20 if she had not known and loved him since she was 6. Right? I don't know. I'm not sure that it matters ultimately. One thing I do like about the book is that it's about people my age in my time. Does that make sense? The wife character was born in 1971 and grows up liking the same music and movies as me. While there are tons of books in many time periods that I love, it's kind of nice to read something truly contemporary once in a while. Maybe reading "older" books is the only way we ever time travel. Who are we and where are we when we read those?

Wrong

I blogged too soon. The pain today has been almost unbearable. It feels like someone is taking a blowtorch to my leg as it simultaneously splinters into a million pieces. I've got my leg in the motion machine right now. Surprisingly, doing this doesn't hurt. It's only when ** I ** try to move around. It doesn't make any sense to me at all.

The whole day has been so surreal. I actually did some work from my work laptop. I've watched movies. I've wept in agony. I've Twittered. I napped, ate, got sick. Now I'm blogging. I can't believe I've done all this in one day. Being in the movement machine must be like entering a parallel universe. Ha. Happy pills kicking in I think.

I really hate that cryo cuff. It is now making me freezing cold and it's really loud. It's super irritating. I understand I have to use it or else my leg will swell way up. But I hate it.

Getting really sleepy now. Maybe time to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Franken-knee

SCROLL TO BOTTOM FOR UPDATE

I made it out of the Dead Zone. Yippee. I'm actually not in all that much pain either. Thank you, Vicodin. The Dr. said that the ACL repair was perfect. The cartilage was not too badly damaged and should heal on its own. I do not have to wear a brace - YAY!!! But I do have to use crutches for two weeks and cannot put any weight on the left knee. This will allow both the cartilage and the hamstring (from where the new ACL was harvested) to heal up.

I have this contraption around my knee. It provides constant cooling to keep swelling down. We put ice and water in the cooler part and it pumps in through the tube to the pad that is strapped around the knee.


I also have this fun machine. This moves my knee for me. I have to do it for 2 hours, rest an hour, 2 more hours, rest and hour....you get it. It doesn't hurt too much - it's not the bending that hurts, but when it gets straightened. It also kind of stinks because I have to be on the floor for this so that it can be flat.

I also have some lovely staples up and down the knee. All in all - I look a mess. But I feel pretty good considering everything. I can't take off the bandages or shower until Monday. YUCKY!!! I'm gonna be a STINK mess by then.

Thanks to all of you who left the nice comments on the last post. It really does help to have people wishing the best.

(P.S. - To all my Chantix buddies: it was sure nice not to be Jonesing for a cigarette on top of all my pain. I'm so glad that's all behind me now.)


FRANKEN-KNEE!!!!

Somewhere my love....

No wonder I love Dr. Zhivago. Turns out that most Native Americans came from Siberia. Neat.

Well it turns out I'm really morbid. All day I've been thinking wretched thoughts about my surgery tomorrow. That's just how I am. My dad once told me that I spend so much time and energy worrying about things that MIGHT happen, that when something actually DOES happen I don't have any resources to deal with it. Meanie. He's right though. I'm a worrier and fretter and a worst case scenario-er. Maybe it's not the most mentally healthy way to be, but think how happy I'll be when I wake up and realize that I did not actually slip into the Dead Zone with Stephen King. If you expect the worst then anything marginally better than worst is fantastic. LOL. What a load of BS huh?

Here's the real issue - I'm a control freak. I don't even like to be the passenger in a car. But I have to just trust these total strangers to knock me unconscious (but keep me alive), put little cameras in my knee and cut things and bolt things and rearrange things (while keeping me alive), sew me all back together, and then WAKE ME UP (preferably with non-scrambled brains).

I'm sure it'll be ok. I'm just a little teeny tiny itsy bitty bit scared. :(

See ya'll on Thursday.

No E.Q.

Remember like 10 years ago everyone was talking about how the "emotional quotient" was just as important as I.Q.? My E.Q. is nil. I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but my mom can back me up on this. We watched this 20/20 or Dateline thing about E.Q. and they said a simple test you can do to your own child (5 is the optimal age) is this: 1) offer them a piece of candy 2) tell them that they can have that one piece right now or if they can wait 5 minutes they can have an additional piece 3) leave the child alone for the 5 minutes - if he eats the candy, bad E.Q. - if he doesn't, good E.Q. Anyway - at the time this was a big news thing, Dylan was 5 years old. My mom and I watched this 20/20 thing and by the time it was over, Dylan was already asleep. I actually wanted to WAKE HIM UP to do this test because *** I *** couldn't wait over night. Too funny.

This ridiculous preamble has a point. I had to have a pre-op physical today. It appears that I am healthy enough to cut open. Good to know. But the doctor made me do a chest X-ray and I was really offended. He said that I don't get to erase 20 years of smoking with (almost) 4 months of quitting. Well fine. Jeez. Did it have to be put so bluntly?? I KNOW I haven't erased all that damage, but the way he put it just made me kind of....I don't know....frustrated. I wanted to light a cigarette purely out of spite at that point. And I actually normally like my doctor. Grrr.

Also I was told "good luck" when I said that I wanted to be back at work on Monday. Not that I'm some workaholic nut - but I like my job and the people I work with, I don't have a lot of leave left, and anything I can't get done either piles up on my desk (yuck) or becomes someone else's problem (not fair). I WANT to go back Monday. I want this leg thing to be over....YESTERDAY.

I'm tantrum-ing again. I'll stop. I was talking to a friend who also has an injury and we decided that we're just being big babies. There are people who live with permanent disabilities every single day. At least there IS an end to this for me. I really shouldn't complain. Must be a brown thing. ;)

Guilty

I didn't want to hike forever at Wal-Mart so I used the handicapped sticker thingy. What if a *real* handicapped person needed the spot? I'm a jerk. I told myself I wasn't going to use it until after the surgery. But Wally World was packed (with all the other idiots who put off their shopping until tonight), and my leg hurt, and I was tired, and I was lazy. What if I've totally messed up my karma and now I really WILL have the brace/crutches for 6 weeks?

Enough about me. I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving tomorrow. We're not eating until Friday (for a complicated reason), but I hope you all stuff yourselves silly. I've been reading some recipes put up by other bloggers and everything just sounds so yummy. Here's our menu:

Turkey (we use a counter-top roasting oven)
Stuffing (some in the bird and then my dad makes his own giblet stuffing)
Wild Rice Casserole
Sweet Potato Casserole
Fresh Asparagus with Hollandaise Sauce
Fresh Green Beans with Some New Sauce My Mom Discovered
Peanut Butter Pie
And the only reason to make any of this food (except dessert): GRAVY!!!!!

We don't ever do rolls or regular mashed potatoes - there's enough carbs up there already.

Pain/Hope

I hurt my knee...like...more. I was lying on the couch and tried to get up and kind of...did it wrong I guess. I actually yelped and started crying. I even scared Noah. That's always a good thing - scare your own kid. Anyway, I had to take a pain pill last night and it hurt like a @#$%^&*!! today. I can't wait for this to be over.

Despite all the cigs and all the extra weight and some random events like a bum gallbladder, I've always been fairly healthy. At least healthy enough to pretty much do what I want to do when I want to do it (assuming that "what I want to do" doesn't involve looking really good in swimwear!;). Being constricted like this is just horrible. To not even be able to get up when I want or to carry Noah or whatever is just.....offensive. I'm offended by this.

I know I shouldn't whine. I know it could have been worse. But.....*sigh*

I'll stop the pity party now. Let's try to think of something positive. Let's find one small silver lining. Like....maybe since I don't smoke anymore, the surgery won't be as dangerous. Like...I've learned what a great teenager I really have - one who can be a rock when it really isn't his job to do that. Like....my husband is the most non-complaining person I've ever met. Like....the people I work with are all basically really nice, helpful, and understanding. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Om.

:)

Tired

I am mentally fried. I've been working all weekend in order to make up for some of the time I missed with the knee injury. I still have at least an hour or two of stuff that I could be doing. Maybe later. I'm sick of it right now. Still it's very nice that I can work from home. I would have already burned up all my sick leave by now. I will be out of work at least 3 full days with the surgery, plus there are the further PT and follow-up doctor appointments.

Speaking of PT, that went really well. The therapist showed me some exercises to start strengthening my leg and some that she will have me do after the surgery to get back to normal (as normal as I ever get anyway). She was one of those medical professionals that seem so rare anymore - someone who actually takes the time to explain things. I hate when medical people either condescend to me or just assume that I'm going to blindly follow their god-like decrees with no explanation. But this lady was nothing like that at all - she explained what each exercise was supposed to accomplish as well as what the entire PT process would accomplish. She really made me want to work at this because I can easily see that such work will provide me with a tangible result. I was so apprehensive about this and I feel so great about it now.

Finally, just an observation - I've been hitting the NaBloPoMo randomizer (that doesn't seem to be terribly random) as well as the blogger random button and noticed that MOST of the bloggers out there seem to be women. Have you all found this to be true? I mean, look at my links over there - only one of them is for a guy. Why is this the case? Or is it just a function of NaBloPoMo and Blogger? Maybe other blog hosting sites have way more men? Maybe we just can't shut the hell up in any forum? Who knows??? It just kind of struck me as interesting.

Oh gross - I just saw a turducken put together on the Food Network. I don't care how it tastes - that just seems kind of obscene to me. I once read about a recipe for a hot dog with hamburger wrapped around it and bacon wrapped around that. Do we REALLY need to be pigs like this???

We are total dorks

We're sitting here like brain-dead zombies watching Ninja Warrior. They redesigned the course and it's all very exciting!!! I blame my son for getting us hooked on this inanity. I don't know what it is about this show - maybe the camp factor. Or maybe we're just tacky and have bad taste...I dunno.

What else is going on? My husband bought a jar of Planter's Peanuts. On the back of the jar there's the list of ingredients - "Peanuts, salt, etc..." and then there's a disclaimer that reads - "CONTAINS: PEANUTS" Ummm...yeah...we were kind of WANTING that. The word "peanut" is on the PEANUT-SHAPED jar in at least eight other spots. So...WE GET IT.

Knee news: I had to take a Vicodin last night. I was really disappointed. I haven't taken one of those in over a week. I'm not a big fan of narcotics (and I rarely drink) - waaaaaay too much of a control freak to enjoy being buzzed/drunk. (Ok ok....for those of you that *REALLY* know me....that should read, "to enjoy it ANYMORE.") Anyway - the pain in my knee has changed from a sharp, stabbing surprising thing to a dull ache. It's as if my knee is just quietly sobbing. No big outbursts, no tantrums, no screaming....just a consistent, heart-wrenching sobbing. Well it was keeping me awake so I finally caved and took a pill. I hate this.

My orthopedic surgeon approved me for a handicapped parking sticker. On the form he had to fill out, he had to estimate a date of full recovery. He put 4/1/08!!!! OMG!!! Are you kidding me??? How depressing. Maybe he was just trying to go as far out as possible - I hope. Sheesh. I wouldn't have asked for the parking sticker if we didn't have winter coming up. The nice weather has not been that much of a problem, but I didn't want to be dancing around icy/slushy/snowy parking lots on crutches. I'd probably just wind up tearing up my other ACL. Did I mention that I hate this?

I know someone who has a rotator cuff injury that also needs surgery. We were arguing about who's injury was worse. I think I have to concede to the rotator cuff. I'm not all that active a person - sitting around reading, watching TV/movies, surfing/blogging is what I'd be doing anyway! But not having use of an arm would be really bad. Now, if I wind up on crutches for 6 weeks, then I think I get the title back - you can't use EITHER or your arms when you're on crutches. We'll see how it goes.

I hate to end this post on a downer. Dylan went up to help his grandparents with some outside work. He's such a great kid. I asked him if he could take time out of his long weekend to help them out and he was MORE than happy to do it. It's also nice that he can drive up there on his own and just handle it. I'm sure we all know a lot of teenagers who would have refused or whined all the way through it - but none of that from D. He's so great. I cannot believe how incredibly lucky I am to just have a nice kid. So many teenagers are so completely unpleasant to be around - just surly and ugly. But Dylan is usually happy and cheerful. (His little brother is an entirely different story - that kid is like a mood hurricane.)

Well I've raved on for quite a bit here - and my favorite NW competitor is about to go!!! Yay!!

I missed another one!

I missed another one of my own anniversaries!! Yesterday was the 3rd calendar month smoke free (except for that one). One more month and the evil smoker penalty will come off my health insurance.

Most days I don't even think about it. The accident has caused some stress which has made me wish for one - but the thought of dragging my limpy self off to the store for smokes is just absurd. It's only ever a very fleeting thing anyway.

I have my first physical therapy appointment next week. I'm supposed to have some sessions before the surgery to strengthen the leg - I haven't been using it much and it's really weak. We did some shopping last night and I didn't wear my brace. I figured the shopping car would be enough support. NOT REALLY. By the end it really hurt as did my good leg - it was getting all my weight. Hopefully the PT will help me work some of these issues out. I've never had PT of any kind - does it help? Is it horrible? Let me know.

Waaaahhh!

It's surgery. !#!#@%%$^%$$#@#@#!@!

Icky stuff below - don't read if you're squeamish.

My ACL is completely torn in half. This is not fixable. The surgeon will have to harvest from my hamstring and like fashion a new ligament. YUCKY!!! (There's another option, but it's even yuckier as it involves the word "cadaver.") Also, it appears that my cartilage (meniscus) is also torn. The MRI was not clear about how bad that tear is. If he does have to do extensive repairs to the cartilage, then I will be in a brace AND on crutches for six weeks. I'm really hoping that the cartilage isn't too bad. Six weeks is a long time. The surgery will take place the end of the month. Boo hoo.

In other depressing news, I had a little panic attack at the top of the steps last night. I looked down and just got kind of sick feeling and panicked. The dreams are still bad too. This just seems so silly to me. Like my own mind is torturing me. There are WAY worse things that happen to people and they function just fine. It makes me feel totally self-absorbed and babyish to still be freaking out about the steps.

Enough of my knee....it's getting boring even to me.

I read today that a high school in West Virginia is banning books by one of this country's best contemporary authors - Pat Conroy. Two of his books were assigned in an ADVANCED OPTIONAL English course.....for SENIORS. It seems that the parents feel that Mr. Conroy's books feature too much sex and violence. Are you kidding me? I can almost guarantee that Mr. Conroy's books are the TAMEST exposure these kids have had to sex and violence. The parents make it sound like it's two books full of bawdiness and smut. One poor, sensitive soul could not even finish reading it because it was so awful. I wonder if this woman has read the Bible lately. Pretty gory stuff in there.

It's pretty ironic that I read this news story today. I just re-read all of his books. One of them, the Prince of Tides, I have read to shreds. Mr. Conroy isn't for everyone, but I have loved every single thing he has written. His powers of description are astonishing. Make sure you read Beach Music (one of the "bad" ones) on a full stomach - the way he describes food will have you drooling. I could understand the problem if these kids were younger. As a parent I do believe that somethings are not appropriate for kids of certain ages. But for older children, I think a truly responsible parent will teach their kids how to understand and interpret the things they hear and see - not shield them forever.

Well - that was a big rant. I just hate the idea of censorship....especially in such a stupid case. I would be THRILLED if my boys ever read Mr. Conroy's works. A perfect example of how much more right he is than the parents is right here:

Because the two books were temporarily banned "every kid in that county will read them, every single one of them. Because book banners are invariably idiots," Conroy wrote in the letter published Oct. 24 in The Charleston Gazette. "They don't know how the world works — but writers and English teachers do."

Here's a link to the full story.

Claustrophobia

I never thought this was a problem for me. I do have to admit that the MRI machine kind of freaked me out yesterday - and I went in feet-first. I cannot imagine going into one of these things head-first. Note to self - request sedative before any head-first MRI. Also I had no idea the machine would be so loud. Think - klaxon. I felt like all of a sudden a military-sounding voice was going to start screaming, "Dive! Dive!" Weird. And OF COURSE the guy operating the machine couldn't tell me anything. That just frosts my cookies. I'm sure there are all sorts of ethical and legal reasons why a radiology tech can't tell you anything....but come on. These people have probably seen more of these images than any doctor. They have SOME idea of what's going on. I'm such an impatient person and it's just wildly frustrating knowing that some dude here in town KNOWS whether my ACL/MCL/meniscus are all torn up and I don't. GRRRRRR.

A new perspective

Here are some things I've learned about life with an injury and crutches:

1. Everything is much further away than it seems
2. Wow, I have really short arms
3. Pay attention to bathroom needs because (see #1)
4. We are a household of slobs - there seems to be a LOT of stuff scattered about my floors
5. I actually do have some muscles in my arms....and they HURT
6. The ground is really soggy early in the morning and will sink if enough pressure is applied
7. Stairs are scary
8. Curbs are annoying
9. There is no way to use crutches and carry an umbrella
10. "Don't make me get up" is a meaningless phrase to a 4 year old who knows you're on crutches
11. Cats have an uncanny ability to find the spot on your body that hurts the most - and flop down on it
12. Cats fear crutches
    
13. My soft squishy couch is really kind of a pain in the ***
14. From now on, every bathtub in every house I ever live in will be handicapped equipped/accessible - just in case
15. I'm whiny
16. There's nothing on TV
    

Preliminary findings and crazy dreams

Saw the orthopedic surgeon yesterday. He feels I have stretched or torn my ACL, MCL, and medial meniscus (go look 'em up, it's kind of neat how a knee works on a non-clumsy person). I will be going in for an MRI on Monday to determine if it's a tear or a stretch. A tear means surgery. Bleh. The Dr. thinks it's a tear. Bleh bleh. In any event, it will be next Wednesday before I have the final news. He also said that I don't have to use the crutches AND wear the brace, but I have to use at least one of them. For some insane reason, he thinks I could fall and hurt myself. I have no idea where he would get such an idea! The knee still really hurts - especially if I move around too much. Luckily I have VERY nice bosses and they are cool with me working half-days in the office along with working from home. Hopefully I won't have to burn up too much of my leave. This is really going to be a horrible process. But like I said originally, it could be have been WAY worse. We have this huge glass and metal desk near the bottom of those steps - I could have bashed my fool head on that thing. Brr.

I have finally quit taking the Chantix. (And really, who needs Chantix or smokes when you have Vicodin??? hahahaha) I had kind of hoped that my crazy dreams were all done. This is not the case. I have been having horrible dreams where the fall happens again and again. It's very vivid and scary. I think I might have a touch of PTSD. I wake up waving my arms like I'm trying to keep myself balanced. I also keep hearing my own screams in my head. I honestly do not think I've ever screamed like I did when I finally hit the floor.

Wow this post seems like kind of a downer. I really don't feel too down, despite the circumstances. (Two other things happened since my fall - one REALLY horrible, and one bad like mine - but they are things that are VERY personal to other people so I don't feel it's appropriate for me to write about. Let's just say I hope this is the end of the bad luck for a while.) It's going to be a long haul, but I feel fairly upbeat. Honestly, I think the quit has helped. Now I can tell myself, "If I can quit smoking, I can SURELY do this!!" It's kind of a nice pick-me-up.