Finally Finally Finally Friday

Wow it's been a crap week. The other day I stopped my van and noticed that the odometer was at 77777. I thought that was really cool and took a picture of it with my phone. If I were more technically literate, I would know how to get the picture off my phone and post it here. But anyway, I kind of thought that the 7's were a harbinger of a lucky week.

WRONG.

The 7's mean nothing!! If you see this on your vehicle - just ignore it. Really all it means is that your vehicle is going to start breaking down in weird and interesting ways very soon. The warranty is gone. Start saving up for something new (and hopefully not as dorky as a van).

So this has been my mood all week. Kind of bratty and tantrum-y. That's why no posts for a few days. The ultimate irony is that the van is actually fine. (Except for that annoying "run the heat on full blast or have no heat at all" glitch.) It was everything else that went to heck. Squabbled with everyone, insanely busy at work, not enough sleep, etc. But no smoking. So that's good. I have been SORELY tempted. I also missed my pill two days. Can't remember which ones though - maybe Tuesday and Thursday. I think what has kept me from smoking is really trying to face all the downfalls of it. It rained here all week and I would have been making mad dashes to the 7-mobile to smoke without getting drenched. I do NOT miss the smell in the house. I felt bad for a guy who just reeked of smoke stink. These things are all so helpful to staying away from the butts.

Well I'm just rambling now, so I leave you with one last funny thing. Jeff bought me a pack of M&M's and they just sat unopened on the computer desk for a couple of days. (This is not amazing willpower on my part - I've been nibbling on an embarrassingly huge Toblerone.) Last night Dylan and I were goofing around with Noah. He walked away from us and then turned back around and came towards me. With the world's most serious look on his face, he said....and I quote..."Mom, I just want you to know that I opened your M&M's for you." Dylan and I looked at each other and just cracked up. What a grand, selfless act. That's what the problem was. I couldn't get them open. Naturally, I had to go see the state they were in. He actually left some for me to eat. I suppose he did deserve half the bag since he had to expend all that effort getting it open. That kid is a nut.

Offended

Just got done watching "Bizarre Foods" on....the Travel Channel. Gross. That guy will eat anything. I can't even imagine how hungry I would have to be to eat a whole roasted sparrow or a plate full of silk worms. Yucky. Anyway, the show playing on the same channel right now is called "Tornado Alley USA." I think this show is way worse than the gross food show.

I'm sure many of you know my complete and utter spineless fear of tornadoes. I think anyone who willingly chases these things around is a special kind of crazy. I realize that it is important for scientists to research tornadoes in order to better understand how/why/where they form in order to protect people. I get it. I'm for it. Better them than me. But here's why the show offended me. (And it had NOTHING to do with them showing a giant 7-tornado-spawning-supercell that hit August 2006 less than an hour from where I now sit.) The show is following some big shot storm chaser guy and his company that offers tornado tours. Tours? I really find that to be ghoulish. There are people who lose their lives and everything they have from these storms. To pay money to chase them around seems really freaky to me. It's like paying money to visit horrible house fires, or sites of famous dog maulings, or following the Ted Bundy trail. The sad thing is that I'm sure there are people who would love to do these things as well.

On the clip from last August the main guy sees a tornado hit a house and he says, "oh wow that guy's house just got totaled!!." Oh yeah. Great. What a thing to be excited about. Let's take a wrecking ball to your house (with you in it) and then cheer on the destruction. What a sicko. He then gives this lame-o kind of look and says, "there were no fatalities with this system, just some minor injuries." Yeah that. And some poor guy losing everything he owns. Whoopee. What sick jerk.

I understand that it's a pretty amazing weather phenomenon and I'm sure that these people would argue that it's no different than watching lightning or enjoying the rain. But it is different. When I finally left the room to come do this post, the people were kind of upset that after two days on the road they hadn't seen a tornado yet. So they're hoping and praying for a horrible destructive force to happen just so they can be entertained. I just can't understand why anyone would pay money to gleefully chase something around that kills people and destroys lives. Do these folks like brag about it back home?? "Hey look. Here's our pictures of the storm that wiped out a neighborhood. Yeah like three people were killed and 40 homes destroyed. Oh yeah it was a blast. You should go next year." Sick.

A bunch

I've had about 10 topics swirling around in my head for the past couple of days - let's see how many I can remember.

1. Brave
I just found out that one of my cousins is going back to the middle east for the third time. He was in the first Gulf war, went back after 9/11, and is heading back again. I have no desire to engage anyone in a political argument with this topic. I just want to tell the world that I am amazingly proud of him and fervently hope he comes back safely to his wife and two little boys.

2. Joe Exotic
On a wildly different note, we went to see a magician called Joe Exotic today. I've never actually been to a magic show before, so have no real reference point from which to judge this guy. I'll just say - not bad. Lots of loud noises and fake smoke - that was not fun. I only bring it up because this guy does what he does to support an interesting cause. Part of the show is very much aimed at kids. He talks quite a bit about saying no to drugs, drinking and driving, and not picking on people. On top of all that, this show is in support of the G.W. Exotic Animal Park. Apparently there are thousands of exotic animals in this country that get dumped after their idiot owners realize that owning an 800 lb. tiger that wants to eat children is NOT a great idea. So this park takes these animals and supports them. Something different on a Saturday afternoon.

3. Noah is scary
Did any of you see Toy Story? As I was typing the last section, Noah came up and asked me to "fix" his toy. He has this little guy that rides a motorcycle. For some reason, the arms and legs come off this guy. Noah wanted me to put the legs where the arms go and the arms where the legs go. Okay freaky Sid - no problem.

4. Chantix
Okay. I've kind of decided to start tapering off. I am no where NEAR as organized as Maggie so this is going to be totally haphazard. I am also not going to consult my doctor (there's me riding the ragged edge of disaster again). She already told me I could taper or just stop on my own when I felt I was ready. Here are my 2 reasons (one good and one stupid). One - I feel pretty good about my ability to resist smoking. I think I'll do okay. I think it will be HARD without Chantix, but okay. Two - I'm sick of taking 2 pills every day and can't remember to do it. I know that's just lame, but it's true. In the past week there were 3 days when I only had one pill because I forgot the morning dose. So I might as well switch over to one pill a day anyway. I'm going to do this with the bottle I have left (20 or so pills) and then re-evaluate. I SERIOUSLY doubt that I am going to go through the pill-splitting like Maggie did. I am way too disorganized (ok - lazy) to try that. I might try an every other day thing though. Stay tuned for updates.

5. The gays and the coloreds
(By the way I ***am*** willing to get into a political argument on this topic)
I recently had someone tell me "we didn't have 'the gays' when I was younger." At some other point in the conversation, the person mentioned, "the coloreds." I so badly wanted to say, "you had just as many of 'the gays' as you do now, but they saw how you treated 'the coloreds' back then and decided to stay out of your way." But I didn't do that. This person is of a certain age and it would have been a senseless argument. In the same set of circumstances I had someone tell me that a certain university should not have had to get rid of their Native American (these would be "the reds" I assume) mascot because "they had that mascot for so long." Ok. Sure. I've written about the mascot issue before. (Ha ha - that post has a picture of Noah with a pull-up on his head.) Anyway, I don't get too bent out of shape about mascots - it's very very low on my radar. But the whole set of conversations just made me a little sad. Maybe my generation and younger is messed up in a lot of different ways, but I do think we're WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY more tolerant (as a general rule). Sometimes this is not good in terms of being apathetic towards things, but mostly I think it's a good thing.

Okay, I remembered five of the maybe 10. That's fairly good for my head.

I just

KNEW those kids were trying to kill me!!!

"Among this group, she found that those who bore sons had shorter life spans than those who gave birth to daughters. This discrepancy has to do with birth weight—male babies are typically larger—as well as testosterone. “Testosterone can compromise your immune system; it can affect your health,” Lummaa says, and the mothers of sons proved especially susceptible to endemic infectious disease, such as tuberculosis. “Boys are a little bit more costly” to raise than girls as well, because they drain more physical resources from their mothers, she adds, as has been seen in other mammals, such as the red deer. Sons also are not as likely as daughters to stick around to help their mothers out later in life."

Also, Blender magazine has it's list of the 50 worst rock songs. As a child of the '80s, I take exception to MANY of these choices.

Jitters

It's been a weird day. I can't seem to relax. This is my fourth attempt at a post. I feel really jittery and kind of nervous almost. I have no idea what this is about. I got a big fat face-full of cigarette smoke this evening. I know I've complained about stale smoke smell, but the fresh ones.....SMELL.....SO.......GOOD. Ugh. I wish I would have kept one of my dirty ashtrays. Then every time I smell a lovely fresh cigarette, I could go stick my nose in the nasty ashtray to remind myself how the cigs REALLY smell. The smell of a dirty ashtray when you run water over it to clean it has to be one of the top 10 grossest smells. Maybe I should get a job washing out ashtrays after the bars close.

What else? Oh I read this story about a 6-year old who tried to drive to a restaurant. I'm still all freaked out about Dylan driving....now I have to worry about Noah. Great.

We're going Halloween costume shopping for Noah this weekend. I really want him to be Batman. His older brother was Batman when he was four. This leads to absolutely no logical reason why Noah should have to do it - I think it's just one of those stupid things that only a Mom thinks is neat. Honestly, I don't even think Noah really knows who Batman is. Halloween is not one of my favorite holidays. I hate the smell of pumpkins, it's just too much candy-temptation, the ringing doorbell all night gets annoying, the make-sure-there's-no-razors-or-poison candy inspection is depressing, and trying to explain to a little kid a) why they can't eat a bucket of candy all at once and b) why all the people they know are giving out candy only for this one random night is just impossible. Bah Humbug. Or Bat Humbug maybe. I guess the only reason for a parent to be involved in this insanity is to get pictures like this that are just too dang cute:

Hypocrite

Yeah yeah yeah....I know I was just complaining about small towns....I'm no more cultured than anyone else....shaddup already. I know the following is juvenile and silly....but it really makes me giggle.

Maybe not

I just wrote this long, cynical rant about Native American/Columbus Day. It was really negative and kind of ugly so I deleted it. No one wants to read ALL the garbage that goes through my head. It didn't even have any funny parts. Boo.

I've really wanted a cigarette today - no particular reason. Just to smell one would be good. I think I need to go watch that lung cancer video again. I'm starting to lose focus about this whole process. I think there's a part of me still throwing a tantrum about it. Way in the back of my head there's an obnoxious me on the floor kicking and screaming. Hey speaking of that...

My friend Owned By Dogs, put up a post about the side effects of some medicine she's taking. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. How could she possibly even know if the medicine is working under the worry of these potential problems. My two personal favorites are "Fit" and "False Sense of Well Being."

FIT???!!! Is that an official, medical term?? Do people pitch fits still? Isn't that kind of a mean way to put things? And what, exactly, is meant by "fit"? Is she going to have a seizure, or just come unglued in the grocery store and start screaming for a toy?? "False Sense of Well Being" Now that's just horrible. So she starts taking this medicine and feeling better. But is she REALLY feeling better? OR....is she just having a false sense of well being?? How cruel. Might even make her have a fit.

I understand that the drug company probably has to put every remote possibility on the warnings to stave off lawsuits. LOL. I just read through it again. "Broken Bone" How does that happen? Just all of a sudden her arm breaks? She says the "Abnormal Fat Distribution" bothers her. I'd like to see pictures of that too. "Nervous" This probably only happens to people WHO READ THE FREAKIN' LIST.

Back by popular demand....or...other

Wow check out the quit meter. 1200 not smoked, $300 saved. 1200 - that's HORRIBLE. 1200. Bleh. $300? I need some shoes...and a purse...and a coat.

Back from my travels. It was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hard to not smoke in the car. There's nothing else to do, so I just wanted to smoke smoke smoke. But I didn't - even when my mom lit up. Last night we stayed in a smoking room in a hotel (that's all they had) and boy did it STINK in there. I still like the smell of lit cigarettes, but that months and years of smoke in the carpet/curtains/walls smell is so awful. Yucky.

The trip was good and bad. Nice weather down and back - good. Didn't smoke - good. Got to shop in real stores - good. Ate REAL barbecue - good. Got some nice coffee in a place that didn't also sell anything with the phrase "high octane" - good. Absolutely angelic non-complaining non-crying didn't fuss even once during four long days of being strapped in a car seat beautiful 4-year old boy - PRICELESS.

But it was also very bad. Just sad. Dreadfully sad. I don't want to put up details that are not mine to share, but I saw someone for what is almost 100% certain to be the last time. This person is far too young and good for what he/she is going through.

I saw my husband do and say and handle some things this week that have put me in absolute awe of the man. He is so brave and strong. I sometimes cannot believe how incredibly lucky Dylan and I were to find him and how lucky Noah is to have him too. When you're with someone day after day, doing the same old daily things, having the same old squabbles over mostly small things, it's so easy to forget why you put up with this insane stranger at all. And then you see them act in a way that is so courageous and selfless and HARD that you can't even believe you happened to get this person to notice (let alone MARRY) you. He is simply the best man. If you ever see me even put one little tiny word of complaint about him on here, you clog up my comment thing with links to this post.

It's good to be home. It was mostly a really hard week.

One last post...

Why do women worry so much?

Maybe it's the brain-eating amoeba that seem to prefer children and boys. This is so dreadful - we live near water. But it seems this is mostly a problem in the warmer states. How awful for the families of these people.

****RANT ALERT****

I'm not a big sports fan. I don't mind a Broncos game now and then. I like ice skating. I used to follow tennis. But no one in the household is a big fan in any way. So when sports begin to inconvenience my life it just REALLY HACKS ME OFF. I think that sports can be a good thing. Children can learn the advantage of team work and fair play...blah blah blah. But I just cannot understand these big sports obsessions. The pinnacle of this insanity are those instances when people riot and destroy things when their team wins. What the *bleep* is that about???

Anyway the point of this whole rant is that I've been inconvenienced and I'm truly miffed. On our many trips to and from St. Louis, we usually never make reservations. We just stop when we're ready to stop and find a hotel room - no big deal. My mom is much more of a planner and insisted that we book rooms. It's a good thing we listened to her. On the drive down, we normally stop in St. Joseph, Missouri, which is about an hour north of Kansas City. When I called to find a room I learned that there are NO rooms in the entire town, or anywhere within about 100 miles of Kansas City. We finally did find a room in some little tiny burg, and we are going to wind up paying $125 for a room that is normally $65 a night.

Why is this so??? (well you may ask)

NASCAR.

Oh my freakin' good grief. NASCAR???? Are you kidding me???

This offends me on so many levels. I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful people who are NASCAR fans. But come on. I can't imagine anything more boring than watching cars go 'round and 'round for hours on end. You either have to have the world's lowest entertainment threshold or you're some kind of evil jerk who is just hoping for a spectacular crash. It just isn't impressive to me. Oh wow - a bunch of professional drivers drove around. Assign a random few of the drivers to get loaded or having screaming kids in the car and THEN win the race - that would be impressive. Or maybe have a bunch of amateurs do it. Or use "real" cars that just break down randomly for no reason. NASCAR. *weeps*

Dream and Disclaimer

Dream:

Had a doozy last night. Bleh....I just tried to type out the whole thing and it's just too boring and weird. I'll sum up. The kicker is that Jeff and I were watching "Gone With the Wind" at my mom's house. Then we got in our van and started driving. When we got in, I immediately lit up a cigarette. I took a couple of puffs and turned to Jeff and said, "Oh my god...look what I'm doing!!!" He then said, "Oh no! Put it out!! Hey - you were smoking all through that movie!" Then I said, "I was, wasn't I??? How could I do that??" And then a couple more crazy things and I woke up.

Here's what I think - we are leaving Saturday to go visit Jeff's parents in St. Louis. My mom is coming with us for a complicated reason that's not interesting enough to get into. I must be a little worried about being cooped up with a smoker in my van. That being said, let's get to the disclaimer part of this post.

She says she is NOT going to smoke in my van, but that we will have to make stops. I said that she can sit in the way back and smoke near the vents - it's fine with me. I need to learn to be around smokers without breaking down. (HEY! I went to lunch with a friend today and she smoked 2 or 3 cigs right across the table and I did fine!! YAY ME!). Also I don't want to be stopping anymore than Noah requires (because he is ultimately in charge of everything - I fear). But she insists that she will not smoke in my van because if doing so makes me start smoking again then it will be PERCEIVED TO BE all her fault that I started again just as it is all her fault that I started in the first place. (Note - she doesn't think this is true...but some people do.)

DISCLAIMER: It is not, nor was it ever, my mother's fault that I was a smoker. I made a decision on my own to start and keep smoking. Furthermore, if I start smoking again, it will still not be her fault. I make my own decisions and take credit for my own mistakes AND victories.

She's probably going to be mad that I wrote about her. But seriously - I don't blame her for me smoking. To blame my mom for my smoking is insulting to both of us. It makes her some kind of weird hybrid of Mommie Dearest and Svengali and it makes me a completely spineless mama's girl who can't think for herself. No thanks.

I also do not blame the media or movies or any other kind of outside force. If the movies I watched as a teenager turned me into a smoker, how did I ever manage to survive anything I saw on Looney Tunes??? I never once believed that I could walk off a cliff, hold up a "YIKES!" sign, plummet to the ground, and live to chase that wretched roadrunner another day. Gimme a break. Oh no!! I said "gimme a break" it must be Nell Carter exerting her evil influence through the TV. (10,000 bonus points to those that know what I'm talking about.)

This seems a rather long post just to assuage my mom, but that's not even really the point. I hate that our society doesn't want anyone to be responsible for their own life. Anything bad that someone does is because of some sort of external influence (bad parents, bad school, bad racist patriarchal society, bad politicans, etc.) - not because that someone is DELIBERATELY making bad choices. Also if anyone does something good they have to give all the credit to someone else.

I accept that there are people who touch our lives for better or worse. The proof of that are these Chantix blogs. But at the end of the day, we each make our OWN decisions. We can look at the actions and experience of others, but there is still an internal thought process that goes on to either accept as good or reject as bad those actions. As a mother it's so hard to instill personal responsibility into a child. They always want to push the blame away from themselves. I'm constantly trying to get my children (mostly Dylan given the ages) to see how THEIR decisions lead to certain outcomes - it wasn't their friends, or their teachers, or whatever. I think the reason it's so hard to do this is because of the way our society is now. It's a constant battle.

Anyway...I didn't mean to go on and on....it's just something I feel very strongly about. As to this trip - we're leaving early Saturday morning and will not be back until the following Saturday. Jeff's parents do not have internet (I may die) so I will not be posting until I return. Hope you all have a lovely first week of October. And if you don't - well what the hell....blame it on me. :)

Ummmm

This is such a weird story. Apparently Nike has developed a shoe specifically for Native Americans as "an effort aiming at promoting physical fitness in a population with high obesity rates." Turns out many of us have wide, tall feet and wasicu (that means "white" for all you wasicus out there) shoes don't fit us. (LOL - like it's my uncomfortable shoes that make me inhale frybread like it's going out of style...too funny!) Maybe we could get Levi Strauss to make short little dumpy jeans to fit our fat asses since we're going down this road. I guess I appreciate the effort (although at the end of the article it becomes pretty obvious this is kind of a branding/marketing/let's-make-ourselves-
look-nice-because-we-help-those-pitiful-Indians-that-everyone-ignores thing), but really. I have to admit that I do know a lot of chubby, wide- and tall-footed Native folk (ahem...me), but we're not ALLLLL like that. Why not Jewish shoes? Or African American gloves? Or Norwegian American lingerie? The whole concept is just bizarre to me. What if you're a Native-African-Norwegian Jew. What the hell would you possibly wear?

Here's the link if you're interested.

Another Insurance Update

A month ago I blogged about how much Chantix cost me with my insurance. At that time, my total cost was $56.60. I stopped back at Walgreens today to pick up my second month supply. Apparently when I picked up my supply last month, I hadn't yet reached whatever the deductible is on my prescription insurance plan. But now I have. So today I bought my new month supply for $25 out of pocket. I almost feel guilty about this. I know there are people paying 5 times that amount. But I don't feel guilty enough to write any of you a check. :)

I really am just grateful that my insurance company seems to see the logic of paying for this. The savings they potentially face with my NOT having so many smoker-related illnesses will waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than offset the cost of this drug for a few months. South Dakota....land of enlightenment. (Happy Mom???)

Quit Meter Still Running

That'll be the sign. When the quit meter is gone, be worried.

Actually, I read this article and got scared of my computer.

And now I know why you all keep obsessively clicking my profile to look at my picture. ;)

...

I have gotten about 85% of the way to convincing myself to go get a pack of smokes. I think I need to take my evening Chantix and go to bed. I'm usually pretty convincing AND easily convinced.

Small town blues

I hate living here sometimes. One of my all time favorite movies ever is "Howard's End" with Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson. None of the video stores here have it, so it was one of my birthday requests. I was so happy to get the movie yesterday. I know it's not a story for everyone, but I love it. I always believe that, generally, a book is better than a movie. I really like all the Merchant-Ivory productions of E.M. Forster novels. Years and years ago I tried to read "A Room With A View" but just couldn't get through it. The language was just so British and old that it was like reading German or something. Anyway, I figured that I'm older, wiser, and better educated now so I'd try reading some Forster again. Well since the itty bitty teeny tiny bookstore here isn't open on Sunday (like almost everything else here), I bopped on down to the library. I figured a LIBRARY would certainly stock works by Forster. This is classic early 20th century British literature. Certainly a LIBRARY would have at least one of these books. RIGHT?

WRONG

What the heck? I guess having to make room for all those Harlequin romances just didn't leave shelf space for real literature. I was so dumbfounded by this, I even went to ask. Maybe they kept the "real" books in some kind of special place. The librarian actually told me that not only to they NOT have the book, she could try to get me the DVD if I wanted. Ummm. Hello??? Isn't a librarian supposed to encourage...oh...I don't know....READING???

*sigh* I'd give my left arm for a Barnes & Noble right now.

Thanks to everyone for all the kind birthday wishes. It was a really nice day.

I'm a believer

I feel really guilty about saying I didn't believe in strange phenomena. I saw this video and am now totally convinced. This is so freaky. I probably won't sleep well tonight.


http://view.break.com/312640 - Watch more free videos

One month

My quit meter says 4 weeks and 2 days (it'll probably switch to 3 days at 6:30-ish). I actually smoked my very last cigarette at about 6:30 pm on August 7. One calendar month. I can't believe it. I think I've given myself a pretty good birthday present this year (it's tomorrow - in case you were wanting to send me a fabulous gift ;). Now I can focus on lasting through December. That will be when I can drop the smoker fee off my health insurance - just in time for Christmas.

I've been reading Maggie's posts about tapering and finally taking her last dose (link to the side). I find that idea utterly terrifying. I'm looking forward to being off these pills, but I also want to be REALLY sure that I'm officially a non-smoker before I stop. My somewhat loosely formed plan is to do at least one more month of pills. Maybe even two. My doctor approved me for 4 more refills, but I really hope I don't need that many.

I can't remember what I was dreaming before I woke up, but it must have been a doozy. My husband was trying to wake me up this morning and he says that I kept telling him that I was not going to get in the shower until the other guy got out. And the other guy was someone from a TV show - but Jeff can't remember who. How weird. As if my hub really wants me showering with an actor. I barely remember any of this, but I do remember feeling kind of offended. Funny.

Truly Sick

I think most of my readers who have been here from the beginning KNOW my feelings on the tree people. (Click here for a really obnoxious rant from me.) I felt them to be misguided, ill-informed, and amusingly hypocritical. But I read something today that really makes me think that the tree-people might actually be evil or truly mentally ill.

Here's the scenario: if you are some sort of rich person who feels guilty about all the fossil fuels you are burning up with your fancy jets and heating/cooling your bazillion square foot home, you can donate some money to a "carbon offsetting" company. The carbon offsetting company then turns around and promotes non-carbon activities. Sounds very benign and green and warm and fuzzy, no? NO!!!

Here is what they promote. They go to places like India where people are extraordinarily poor and uneducated. Do they give them super efficient, green loving technologies to enrich and enhance their lives. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Here is what they do:

"The latest wheeze of this carbon-offsetting company is to provide ‘treadle pumps’ to poor rural families in India so that they can get water on to their land without having to use polluting diesel power. Made from bamboo, plastic and steel, the treadle pumps work like ‘step machines in a gym’, according to some reports, where poor family members step on the pedals for hours in order to draw up groundwater which is used to irrigate farmland (1). These pumps were abolished in British prisons a century ago. It seems that what was considered an unacceptable form of punishment for British criminals in the past is looked upon as a positive eco-alternative to machinery for Indian peasants today."

I cannot believe how horrible this is. Encourage poor people to keep living in medieval conditions and never improve themselves just so some guilt-ridden jerk can live the life he wants to live. Make other people give up on technological advances so that said jerk can sleep at night. Unbelievably sick.

Click here for a link to the complete article.

Trip My Zizz Wheel Baby

OMG. I just got done reading Bay's post and I can't quit laughing. My husband is looking at me like I'm a nut.

Bay did have an interesting point to her post - how boring must it seem to say, "Oh I didn't smoke again today." I've kind of been feeling that way too - which is why you're getting dreams and recipes and not any not smoking updates (that's really bad grammar - sorry). It seems kind of silly to come on here every day and announce what I didn't do.

Maybe it would be better to think of it in a more positive way. Instead of focusing on what I didn't do, I could focus on what I DID. Which is: I DID keep the promise I made to myself to quit smoking; I AM doing something that is good for me; this IS really difficult but I'm overcoming it.

(hahahaha - I know that the people who *really* know me are going to read this and think, "who are you and what did you do with Tasina????" - I'm NEVER this upbeat and chipper - ever. If quitting turns me into Little Miss Perky Thoughts then I'm going to start smoking again - Pall Malls - unfiltered.)

(And what IS a zizz wheel??? Is it like....a body part....er...something?)

New Recipe (and a variation)

The following is a recipe from Everyday Italian on the Food Network. I've made this many many times (with my changes in parentheses). It's a wonderful dish and really easy to do. The sauce is to die for. After the recipe is the little change I made tonight.

1 1/2 pounds boneless skinless chicken breasts, each breast cut crosswise into 3 pieces
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons olive oil (I never measure this)
5 tablespoons butter, divided
3/4 cup chopped onion (I always use one or two shallot cloves instead....I love shallots)
1 pound cremini mushrooms, sliced (these are baby portabellas....you can cut up regular portebellas if you can't find these....i ALWAYS dice my mushrooms...not slice)
2 tablespoons minced garlic (I just use 2 cloves)
1 cup dry Marsala wine (I probably use more like 1 1/2 cups)
1 cup (8 ounces) mascarpone cheese (you can substitute cream cheese if you can't find mascarpone...but maybe only use 5 or 6 oz....cream cheese is thicker)
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves, plus whole sprigs, for garnish (I use fresh if I have it....or else just use 1 tbs of dried)
12 ounces dried fettuccine (I use linguine - I prefer the texture)

Sprinkle the chicken with salt and pepper. Heat the oil in a heavy large skillet (DO NOT USE A TEFLON SKILLET) over high heat. Add the chicken and cook just until brown, about 4 minutes per side. Transfer the chicken to a plate and cool slightly.

While the chicken cools, melt 2 tablespoons of butter to the same skillet over medium-high heat, then add the onion and saute until tender, about 2 minutes. Add the mushrooms and garlic and saute until the mushrooms are tender and the juices evaporate, about 12 minutes (no way this takes 12 minutes - maybe another 5). Add the wine and simmer until it is reduced by half, about 4 minutes. Stir in the mascarpone and mustard. Cut the chicken breasts crosswise into 1/3-inch-thick slices (we just cut into bite-sized pieces at this point....I'm not really sure why you can't just do that to begin with...there must be some reason....but we do it according to the directions). Return the chicken and any accumulated juices to the skillet. Simmer, uncovered, over medium-low heat until the chicken is just cooked through and the sauce thickens slightly, about 2 minutes. Stir in the chopped parsley. Season the sauce, to taste, with salt and pepper.

Meanwhile, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the fettuccine and cook until al dente, stirring occasionally, about 8 minutes. Drain. Toss the fettuccine with 3 tablespoons of butter and season, to taste, with salt and pepper. Swirl the fettuccine onto serving plates. Spoon the chicken mixture over top. Garnish with parsley sprigs and serve.

As I said - this dish is amazing. You'll love it just as it is. But I kind of wanted a change because we eat so much pasta. I basically followed all the steps up to the pasta. Oh and I pre-heated the oven to 350 degrees. I put 2 cans of pre-cooked wild rice into a casserole dish. (Just to interrupt myself - I didn't even know you could buy pre-cooked wild rice in a can. How convenient. For this kind of recipe, it works just fine. For a recipe where you really want the strong wild rice taste, I would make the rice myself from a bag of dry stuff.) I also added a box of Uncle Ben's white and wild rice (but NOT the seasoning packet). Oops. Double back again. The rice comes in a liquid. I reserved about a 3/4 cup of this and deglazed the pan after the chicken browned. So now in my casserole I have: the browned chicken, 2 cans drained pre-cooked wild rice, box of Uncle Ben's white/wild rice, and the juice/drippings from the pan. I then sauteed the shallots, garlic, and mushrooms and added the mascarpone, mustard, and marsala. After the veggies were soft, I dumped this all in the casserole dish as well. I then stirred in probably 3/4 cup of shredded Romano cheese. I baked this all for 1/2 hour.

I really liked this. It still had that nice flavor of the original dish, but also had the change of the rice and the addition of the Romano. It seemed like maybe it was missing something crunchy. Water chesnuts? Slivered almonds? Pine nuts? Something. The guys liked it too although they said they prefer the original because you get more sauce. I can see this argument too.

Try the recipe either way - YUMMY!!

Chantix and Smoke Free Days Something or Other

This is how bad I am at math. I can't even keep a count going for more than three weeks. Sad. Look at the quit meter <------ if you really want to know.

Anyway. I haven't been blogging much about my quit because the whole topic just seems kind of over. I still wish I could smoke from time to time. But it's more like when you see Clive Owen on TV and say to yourself, "Wow I wish I could...."

Wait a minute. This is supposed to be at least a PG-13 blog. Let's try that again.

But it's more like when you see a bird and say to yourself, "Wow...I wish I could fly." But it's not like you then plummet off something tall whilst flapping your arms like an idiot. I DO wish I could smoke - for free, with no smoke stink, with no health problems, wherever I choose, etc. But I can't. So I won't.

My mom keeps asking when I'm going to stop taking the pills. I think she thinks the crazy dreams = crazy person. Haha. (Which of course is a direct derivative of crazy mom.) I think I'm going to go another month of pills past the bottle I'm working on now. Just to be safe. I'll have to risk the crazy thing. That puts me through about mid-October. I didn't have any freaky dreams last night. In fact I was so happy when I woke up this morning. Jeff woke me up and I thought he was waking me up to get ready for work. I was thrilled to realize that it was a holiday.

I was going to post this really cute Garfield cartoon about Labor Day that I remembered from when I was a Garfield nut as a kid. I even found it on the Garfield website. But then there were all these scary warnings against posting or duplicating or even thinking such heresy about Garfield images....so I chickened out. Cluck cluck.

Terrible Dream

I had an awful dream last night. We used to live in a suburb of Minneapolis when I was a little girl. In my dream I was alone in that house with Noah. Jeff, Dylan, my mom, and my dad were out of town and I was staying in that house. No one had lived there since I was little, but for some reason I was there. Anyway, I woke up early in the morning - like 4:00 or so and all the power was out. I looked out the window and could see lightning off in the distance and figured that a storm had gone through. I started groping around the house looking for a flashlight. I had to use the light-up feature of my cell phone to see anything. I wound up calling my mom to ask her where to find a flashlight. She was telling me places to look, but it was so dark that I couldn't really see. At one point she told me to use my lighter. Haha. I had to remind her that I quit smoking and didn't have a lighter. She directed me to go outside and look in this old shed, but all I found in there were metal shelf brackets. Weird. Then I saw a neighbor out walking his dog. I asked the man if the power was out at his house. He said no and gestured back the way he came. I then realized that my house was the only one without power. At that point my mom said she had a call on her other line and she had to take it because it was her mailman from the house they actually live in now. I'm heading back towards the garage to go back inside and she comes back on the line and she screaming. She says that the mailman said that some kind of freaky bad guy was at their real house and figured out that I was at the Minneapolis house all by myself. I panic and start running back in because I had left Noah in there sleeping. As soon as I got into the garage I could hear this crazy laughter. Brrrrr. Then I woke up.

I was so freaked out when I woke up. I started like whopping Jeff on the leg. Poor guy - he was so confused. I made him turn the light on because I wanted to be absolutely sure the lights worked. That's how vivid these dreams are. Even though I knew it was a dream and I knew I was now awake, I just HAD to make sure it was over by having the light on. It was horrible. At some point during the night Noah had climbed in with us. Once Jeff had the light on and I could see Noah I calmed down a bit. I just clung to that little guy after that. It took me a long time to get back to sleep. Most of my Chantix dreams have just been kind of strange, but this one was really scary. And again - so vivid. When I was outside talking to that neighbor I could actually feel wind on me and smell the flowers and trees and stuff. I hope I don't have a really scary one like this again - it's almost enough to make a person start smoking!! ;)

That'll teach me

A few days ago, I blogged about not believing in weird things. One of those things was the chupacabra. This mythical creature supposedly roams around killing domestic livestock. The name means "goat sucker." Well it looks like the joke is on me. Someone has maybe found the remains of one.

I'm going to do a small rant here. Feel free to ignore it.

As I mentioned a couple of posts back, my son is in Algebra II this year. We were required to go out and buy him a $80 calculator for this class. This just strikes me as completely insane. We can afford it, but there are tons of other things I'd rather spend $80 on. And what about the families that can't afford that cost? What are they supposed to do - not let their child take a math class because they can't afford it? I was telling someone at work about this and that person said that they have a scientific calculator that Dylan can use. But I had to refuse that kind offer because the calculator must be this specific brand and model. Absurd. To make matters even more frustrating, Dylan's school instituted a laptop program this year. Every student was issued a laptop. If he loses it/breaks it/it gets stolen/etc we would have to pay almost $1400 to replace. We definitely cannot afford that. Luckily our insurance agent drew up a policy specifically for this. But again, not every family can afford to be shelling out for extra insurance. Also, his laptop comes with all sorts of programs - Excel is one of them. Why the heck do we have to buy an $80 calculator when his computer programs can do almost all the same functions? His math teacher announced on the first day of class that she is not even going to incorporate the computer into her class. So what is ultimately the point of him having this technology if some of his teachers (especially in a class like math - where it could be so much more than a fancy typewriter) refuse to use it?? The whole thing just seems like it was not thought out and planned for in any logical way.

Ethanolatte

Living in a small town is weird in a lot of different ways (mostly because of the people). One of the strangest is seeing how the stores here are forced to offer a pretty wacky selection of products. They have to do this because there are so few stores. When we lived in the city, we loved finding the little out-of-the-way specialty stores that sold like two products - usually two fantastic products. But things just aren't like that here. I don't miss the traffic or the noise or the crime....but I do miss the stores. We lived a couple of blocks away from this little Italian food shop - it's been there like 80 years. They make all the sausage right there (spicy Italian sausage made with Marsala wine and big chunks Mozzarella ....OMG)....if you ask for a pound of Parmesan, they whack it it off this big brick of aged stuff. *sigh* But here it's all about----Walmart. I have nothing against the place....we have kids, we shop there, we save money. It's just that there's something so nice about a store run by people who really care about just one kind of product. To me it seems weird that here you can buy a gun in the same store you buy a crib.

Anyway. Someone told me that the local Shell station has a drive up coffee window. This just struck me as bizarre. I know lots of gas stations have that horrible crap coffee machine inside, but this is like a full on cappuccino bar in the gas station. I was very nervous about trying this place because it just seemed so wrong - like buying feminine products at the auto parts store or something. Anyway, I decided to be brave and was very pleasantly surprised. The coffee is actually really good and fairly cheap. My only complaint is that the cups are kind of flimsy (not to mention kind of embarrassing - carrying around a huge coffee cup with the big yellowy-orange Shell logo). I almost wish I hadn't found this place. It's so easy to just drive on up and get a coffee. The funny thing is that I've never actually been inside this particular gas station. There's probably a whole world of strange and wonderful products. Honestly, I'm not even sure they actually sell gas.

Kind of a boring post - feel free to skip

I have nothing to report really today. No big urges. Didn't even really think about it. I think I really am starting to get more worried about the eating. I'm overweight as it is and I really do NOT need to be adding to this.

Hey - just to veer off on a totally different topic. Is anyone or does anyone know anyone who's taking that Alli stuff? Does that not sound INSANE???? If you think the Chantix side effects are bad, read the back of one of those bottles. EWWWWWW! There's no way. I'd staple my lips together first. Bleh.

Ok, sorry. So Ren was blogging about how much better his skin looks. I have not had this experience at all. Ever since I had Noah my skin has been horrible. I look like a 15 year old. Someone was telling me that Elizabeth Arden makes this stuff that just works wonders. I looked it up and it costs $62 for like a billionth of an ounce. I'm pretty sure my insurance is not going to cover that.

What else is new? Dylan started back to school this week. Last night I was helping him with his Algebra. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm easily the worst person in the world to be helping someone with Algebra. He got two of the homework questions wrong - probably my fault. I told him that I'm good for about one more chapter and then he's going to have to get after school help. Noah also got a promotion at his preschool. He's very excited about being such a big boy. I do think I should be able to handle helping Noah with his math work. Maybe.

SING!!!!

One of the happy discoveries I made this weekend had to do with singing. While I'd like to believe that quitting smoking has made me pitch perfect, that might be taking things too far. BUT. Quitting certainly has helped me sustain those long notes. I had the whole house to myself and just sang my little heart (but not lungs) out.

I also have made a sad discovery. I am eating WAY too much. And WAY too much of what I'm eating is junk. I've got to find something else to do when I have the urge to smoke - or else buy a ton of fruit to munch or something. The inside of my mouth is just raw from all the sunflower seeds I've had - luckily I have no blood pressure problems because I've had a ton of salt from those seeds. String cheese is the other thing I'm wolfing down like mad. At least that has calcium, but I need to cut back on this stuffing myself.

Why can't this just be easier????? (***TANTRUM ALERT***) Why can't cheesecake have zero calories and Shredded Wheat cause cancer? Why can't cigarettes smooth wrinkles and jogging cause hair loss??? Why can't coffee regulate your heart beat and V-8 make you bleed from your eyes???? WHY??? What a crap state of affairs.

Ok - I'll quit being 4 years old. Maybe this big, booming voice is about ready to say, "BECAUSE I SAID SO." Bleh.

Boys

Here is EXACTLY why it's terrifying to be the mother of boys. (And now I know to NEVER EVER EVER EVER leave them home alone for days at a time.)



This is a short clip from a much longer version - you can find the full version all over YouTube.

THREE WEEKS!!!!

I can't believe it's been three weeks. Woohoo!!

I was at the grocery store this morning and did notice the cigarettes, but had no mad urge to buy any. I had a couple of small tugs but they were so fleeting that I can't even remember what time of day or the circumstances.

Wow - earlier today I thought of a bunch of cool/funny/interesting stuff I wanted to blog about. But now I'm so tired my mind is just a blank. ZZZZZZZ. I'll try again tomorrow.

Plan....

I say all the Chantix bloggers set up a fund. If any one of us falls off the quit bandwagon, we use some money from the fund to buy this:

Haha.

Didn't Smoke & The Weirdest Dream Yet

I didn't smoke. That's all I want to say about last weekend.

The dream I had last night has to be the freakiest one so far. But let me preface this by making two points. First of all, there is this big rift in my (very large) extended family. Various people aren't speaking to various other people for a variety of reasons. I'm fairly uninvolved in all this because A) I haven't been back here long enough to get involved and B) I have absolutely no desire to get involved. I have my own opinions about the various tiffs, but I keep them to myself. (Let me also say that, by and large, my extended family is made up of really wonderful people - smart, funny, great story tellers, etc. - we're not all a bunch of snarling grudge-holders.) So that was point one. Point two is that I am a complete unbeliever. Ghosts, psychic abilities, clairvoyance, space aliens, faeries, Bigfoot, chupacabra, the Loch Ness monster, EVP....you name it, I don't believe it. Show me SOLID evidence (as opposed to jittery night vision tapes on You Tube) and I might change my mind. But until I see some REAL evidence - no way. So it's not like I believe that dreams can predict the future or any other such nonsense.

BUT....

With all that being said, my dream still really freaked me out. In the dream my two boys were standing in our family cemetery looking at a couple of headstones. And the boys were waaaaay older. I'd say Noah was in his mid 50's and Dylan in his mid to late 60's. So they're standing there looking at the graves of a couple of my uncles. Dylan tells Noah that he thinks that the two uncles didn't like each other or died without speaking to each other ever again. Noah asked him why and Dylan said that he couldn't remember exactly what the whole thing was about. Noah then told Dylan that he thought it was pretty stupid for two brothers to end their lives that way. OH...also....there were some kids like running around in the background and somehow I knew that these were Noah and Dylan's kids or grandkids. So then the whole scene changed and went into the future and there were two other men standing there looking at Noah and Dylan's graves. (I know it's creepy to dream about my kids' graves - it's all Chantix). And I knew somehow that these two men were also brothers and either grandsons of Noah or of Dylan. And what they're talking about is how much Noah and Dylan loved each other all their lives. Then they turn and look back at my uncles' graves and one says that his dad told him that those two (my uncles) died not speaking to each other. And the two men agree how stupid and wasteful it is for brothers to be like that - especially because now no one even remembers what the problem was in the first place.

I swear I was almost crying when I woke up.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm an idiot.

I did the dumbest thing at work today. It's a long (probably boring) story, but basically I created this gigantic report with a computer program and didn't save it and then my computer froze up. I wanted to just curl up under my desk and weep. It took me 3 days to figure this stupid thing out and now I'm going to have to rebuild the whole thing.

Luckily I do remember how to make it, but I already put a ton of work into it. Bleh. What a yucky day.

Nausea

Why? Why? I must have jinxed myself. All this time I was feeling so sorry for the people who had nausea from these pills. And now it's happening to me. No one gets the flu in mid-August, it can't be food poisoning since Jeff and I ate the same foods yesterday, and there's no WAY I'm pregnant. Maybe I just have myself all worked up over this weekend? I don't know. But I feel utterly wretched. Bleh. I'm going to go lie back down.

Dream update

I really should start writing these down. (I guess I am on here - duh)

Somehow I was on a HUGE hill - not a mountain, just a hill - looking out over this kind of English looking countryside. I had a really wide-ranging view of all this. I was with two people from my work (that I rarely ever deal with). Anyway, there were castles all over the place. Some of them were English looking, some of them were more Taj Mahal-ish, and some looked Asian. But the weird part was that right in the middle of this was this gigantic, plastic, garish-colored, loud McDonald's castle. Plus a huge storm was building up.

Chantix Day 30, Smoke Free Day 14

Two weeks. I can't even think the last time in my life I went two weeks without a cigarette. Amazing. I hope I can stick with this.

I'm getting really nervous about this weekend. Maybe I'm just making things worse for myself than need be. But I'm kind of a worrier by nature, so this is what I do. (But at least I don't do it while smoking - anymore.)

I need to stock up on gum and sunflower seeds. (Maybe get a fanny pack for this stuff, right M?) Or maybe I'll get some of those Atomic Fireball candies - give myself a little reminder of the burning I'm not doing to lungs. I think if I can make it through this weekend, I can do anything. Although for a real test of will, see Bay's post for today.

(By the way, I think I may be off on my post titles. My quit meter says 2 weeks 1 day - and somehow I have two Smoke Free Day 11 posts. From now on I'm going with what the quit meter says.)

Chantix Day 29, Smoke Free Day 13

Not much new to report today. A few tugs, nothing awful. I did have another truly crazy dream last night. My mom had this gigantic fur coat with red, black, and white zig-zags on it. Plus the whole dream was narrated by Will Ferrel. Odd.

Is anyone worried about being defined by this whole process? I mean - are we all eventually going to get to a point where we're not tracking our progress anymore and focusing on this so much? Or are we never "cured"? Not that I don't enjoy reading (and need) the other blogs...but...there's a greener other side somewhere isn't there?

Just for a different topic, this is probably one of the most depressing news headlines I've seen in a long time. "One in four read no books last year." That's just so awful. Honestly, I think if 29 days ago someone said, "give up your books or your cigarettes" I could have quit easier than I'm doing now.

Chantix Day 28, Smoke Free Day 12

Had a good day today. I had no cravings at all during the day and just a little tug on the drive home (which was always prime smokin' time).

Some have noticed my quit meter over to the left. I was going to wait until 2 weeks to put one up, but then decided to just go ahead with it. I think my attitude about this has been so much better and I kind of wanted to make it really real. I also think it will help for my big scary test this weekend (just got off the phone with my mom - not only a big scary test at her house, but a further big scary test at a bridal shower with a whole bunch of smokers - yikes). Personally, I find it embarrassing and obscene that I would have smoked 258 cigarettes by now if I hadn't quit. That's just horrible. And the $60?? That's my cable bill for the month. Sad. I'm really glad I'm doing this now.

I also want to offer a big virtual hug to Bay. Today is her quit day and she's doing really well. Way to go!

Insurance update

I know some of the bloggers out here are keeping track of how insurance is handling Chantix. I picked up my refill yesterday. My doctor has set me up for 4 more months of refills after this, if I want them. She said to see her again about tapering off when I'm to that point. Anyway, my cost for a one month supply was $56.60. The little printout thing from Walgreens said that my savings was $79. I feel very fortunate that my insurance is covering this. I know that $125 for a month is less than cigarettes - but you can buy cigs a little at a time. I've had some requests to tell what my insurance plan is. I don't really feel comfortable giving that much personal info out on here. But I will say that it is NOT one of the "big" national providers like Blue Cross/Blue Shield. So unless you live in my part of the country, it probably wouldn't matter for you anyway.

Chantix Day 27, Smoke Free Day 11

I'm still having really vivid dreams. I haven't mentioned anything about it lately, but they're still happening. I guess as side effects go, vivid dreams aren't so bad. They're not generally scary or anything like that.

Last night I had a very long and involved dream. I won't go into all the details, but the main part was that my husband had all his paintings at Home Depot because he was getting them all framed. Somehow a huge flood hit the store and all his paintings were ruined. I was just devastated. Even though that is really awful, the most striking thing about the dream to me was the detail. I could describe to you exactly what the house I was in looked like as well as the grass, flowers, trees, and even smells outside. At one point there was a cell phone sitting on a table and it started to vibrate because a call was coming it. It sounded exactly like a cell phone does in that situation - just a low buzz with the vibration against the wood. It all just seemed so real. The way I explained it Jeff after I woke up is that it seemed more like a memory than a dream. I had to convince myself that this had not actually happened. Weird. Wild.

Today was pretty good as far as cravings go. Nothing too horrible even though I watched a movie with a lot of smoking in it. (See Stan's take on this and my perhaps over-the-top reply.) I also feel that my attitude about this has improved a bit. I'm still a little resentful about it, but have accepted that I just can't be smoking anymore.

Wireless and free

We FINALLY got our wireless router hooked up. Now I can blog from the living room. Woo hoo.

The food turned out great. We had it for lunch and dinner. Yummy.

I meant to put up a link here to the funniest video I've seen in a long time. It was an AP report about this guy in....ummm...maybe Indiana who, as a protest, paid his property tax bill in coins and dollar bills. Good for you pal. The Treasurer's office was hacked off. The guy wheeled the money in on a wagon. I should have done that the other day. We had to get new tags for our van. This cost is based on the weight of your vehicle. The price goes up every 2,000 lbs. Apparently, our van weighs 4003 lbs. So for 3 extra pounds, we paid $30 more for our tags. I asked the lady if she would lower it if I promised to take out my spare tire. What a rip off. Maybe next year I'll pay it in pennies.

We watched a really good movie last night called "Fracture." It stars Anthony Hopkins and Ryan Gosling. We all liked it a lot. It's a detective/thriller/lawyer thing. I give it....3 stars. It's one I would definitely watch again and might even buy.

Chantix Day 26, Smoke Free Day 11

Well it finally really happened. I was standing in front of the mall waiting for Jeff and this guy was standing there smoking a cigarette. It smelled sooooooooooooooooooooo good. I kept looking over at the guy and he finally asked if his cigarette was bothering me. I said, "I recently quit - it smells fantastic." He just laughed. Again it just made me kind of sad and longing. But I did not go out and buy any. *big dramatic sigh*

Maggie linked to a YouTube video in her comments to someone else. She said it was not for the faint of heart and boy was she right. It's a video this guy made chronicling his mother's death from lung cancer. I bawled my eyes out watching it. An aunt of mine died of lung cancer earlier this spring. I hate to think what she (and her immediate family) went through. It also didn't help that the woman in this video is kind of a smaller woman with black hair. People who *really* know me, know why that's bad. Anyway, here's the link. It is very sad and hard to watch. Please make sure you can handle it before you click. I really don't want my kids making a video like this about me some day. I guarantee that the thought of my kids going through this made me much sadder than not being able to light up with a stranger this afternoon.

No lunch yet

Still haven't eaten yet. The house smells so good I want to cry.

I thought I'd post this story. It doesn't seem like it's all that great for the deer either.

Off to the park for an Animal Shelter fund raising event. Lots of dogs, games, face painting - should be fun for Noah.

Lunch is on me

Right before I go to bed, I'm going to put the following recipe together in the crock pot. We're eating at noon, so stop by.

2 1/2 lb beef chuck roast
16 oz. jar of pepperoncini
1 packet beefy onion soup mix
4 cloves garlic, crushed
salt, pepper, and italian seasoning to taste
1 splash (or so) of dry red wine or dry marsala

Put all ingredients in slow cooker and cook 10 to 12 hours. Shred meat and place on hoagie/rolls. Cover liberally with provolone or mozzarella. Place under broiler until cheese melts. Reserve juice for dipping.

We may not make it until noon. Brunch sounds better!

Chantix Day 25, Smoke Free Day 10

Finally Friday. My afternoon seemed to drag on forever. Someone told me they had this brilliant idea for a new way to define time. But their theory isn't completely flushed out yet, so I didn't get to hear it. (Yeah sure.)

So today was pretty good. No horrible cravings. I still think I need to have a real test though. I caught a whiff of someone smoking as I was leaving work and it smelled really good and made me feel kind of sad and wistful. But it didn't turn me into a crazed, screaming lunatic - so that's pretty good, right?

I was scrolling through my last Chantix Day, Smoke Free Day post and was surprised to see that it's only 10 days. It feels longer. I don't know if it's the "wow I feel like I've known you forever and it's only been 2 days (or drinks)" kind of feels longer or "oh my god this is the most boring thing I've ever done for 5 minutes and it seems like 5 years" kind of feels longer. Maybe somewhere in between. I'll have to hunt that person down for the new theory of time.

Oh hey! It's Fun Photo Friday. We took this picture of the boys' feet a couple of days after we brought Noah home from the hospital.

Art

New paintings by Hubby.

Blogging awake

I checked my email and saw I had comments to my earlier post. I couldn't even remember what I had written about. I was sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy this morning.

I've gotten many nice comments from all of you telling me to keep with it - despite my negative feelings about the whole thing. If I didn't say this before - thank you so much. Things seem to be a little bit better today. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a cigarette after lunch (and I forgot to call for my refill - again), but am doing ok now.

The weekend after next we are going up to visit my parents. This is kind of the BIG TEST for me. I know my mom won't smoke around me if I ask her not to, but that's not really the problem. Just knowing they are there is the problem. If there were actual cigarettes in this house, I would smoke them. (We won't even get into whether or not there are any in my older son's room.)

As to sticking with it. I about 30% think that the reason I don't start up again is just so I don't have to tell everyone I failed. Most of my close family knows I'm doing this, as do my close friends and people I work with. Plus all of my loyal readers. Not that anyone will hate me/disown me/fire me....but still. How embarrassing. (Also MOST of these people are non-smokers....they don't GET IT anyway.)

Speaking (more nicely) of Dylan - I'm so proud of him today. Since he now is a fully licensed driver (it's funny - every time I say that I get 10 more gray hairs), he was able to take himself to a doctor check-up all by himself. Maybe not the biggest milestone in a kid's life, but it did kind of strike me. I was all prepared to use some of my personal time from work and then happily realized that he could do this on his own.

Here's a Photoshop-ed picture I took of Dylan when he was little. I don't find this all that funny anymore.

Chantix 23/24, Smoke Free 8/9

Sorry no post last night. Fell asleep really early. So here I am doing this at 5:30 am - and I've been up for over an hour.

Yesterday was a little better. Haha. Not really through any effort of mine - I was really busy at work and then fell asleep early. Maybe that's the real smoking cure - be busy and sleep. Although this doesn't leave much time for other activities.

I keep forgetting to call my Dr. for my refill. I think about it at times like this when I can't call. But maybe when I come home for lunch and see this, I'll do it! For those of you that are well into your quit, how long are you planning on taking Chantix? I know some are working on tapering off. The thought of being tied to a pill for a long time isn't very appealing.

I hate being up this early. I just can't think of anything else interesting to write because my brain hasn't really become functional yet. It's a really good thing I don't have a job that requires me to do anything delicate or focused early in the morning.

MUST MAKE COFFEE.

I'll post more later when I'm human.

Makes me smile....

Got to feeling guilty about posting such an unflattering picture of my son.

This is how he makes me feel:

Chantix Day 22, Smoke Free Day 7

As of about 1/2 hour ago, it has been one week since I have smoked.

*confetti, fanfare, ticker tape, people doing flips, noisemakers*

Honestly, I'm not all that thrilled. My head is in such a bad place about this. I cannot see this in a positive way. What I see is: "Oh goody. I've now deprived myself of something I like and enjoy for a whole week. Yippee skippee. Next week - no coffee. Then no chocolate. Then no pasta." Eventually I hope to be down to water, a grape, and a smear of tofu on a horken fiber chunk.

I know I sound like a complete brat, but there's no sense in lying. I'm sure that if I stick with this there will come a day when cigarettes don't even occur to me, I'll hate the smell of smoke, I'll pity all those hackers freezing by the ashtrays in the cold, etc. But I'm not anywhere near that yet - not even close.

This is how I feel:

Chantix Day 21, Smoke Free Day 6

It's been a bad 24 hours. I really want a cigarette. Almost went and bought a pack earlier this evening. I miss it. I know, I know - I don't miss the cost, health probelms, blah blah blah. Whatever. I just miss it. I just want to sit and relax and unwind and smoke. I sometimes wish I never started this quit.

Chantix Day 20, Smoke Free Day 5

I'm so happy that I made it through the weekend. I was very nervous about notsmoking with all this free time on my hands. Staying busy really helped (although I've not done much of anything today). I still have to wonder how I would do around other smokers. I think that will be really hard. I don't feel at all ready for a test of that quite yet, but I'm not going to actively avoid it either. I've been very lucky over the last week that I just really haven't been in situations around smokers. I haven't even had anything happen like I walk out of a store and someone is standing right outside smoking. I still think that if someone offered me a cigarette it would be almost impossible to say no. But maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I do know that if I were to smoke right now it will taste horrible.

Speaking of things tasting horrible (because that's always a fun topic), I seem to be have some sort of weird issue with this. I know a smoker is supposed to get all their taste buds back and sense of smell and all that, but this does not seem to be working out too great for me. Over the last few days, any kind of meat has tasted really weird. This is only for meat that's kind of stand alone - not mixed in with other ingredients or heavily spiced/sauced. It's been so strange that when we went out for lunch today, I just ordered sides and no meat because I didn't think I would eat it. I have no idea why this is happening, if it's related to quitting or not. I just hope it goes away soon or I start getting used to it because I love meats and I'm hungry!!!

Silly

Ok. I like art - all kinds - painting, drawing, music, acting. I married an artist. I also really like coffee. I'm drinking coffee right now. But coffee art? Come on.

Chantix Day 19, Smoke Free Day 4

Today has been a little easier. I've tried to keep myself busy. We shampooed the carpet in our room and REALLY cleaned the living room. I even Windexed all the glass on my picture frames. I'm sure all you smokers are smiling because you KNOW that paper towel came away that yucky yellowy brown color. Bleh. Aren't we all glad we're not putting this on our teeth, hair, clothes, walls, windows, etc. anymore? I never did get the bathroom done. We still have to put all the furniture back in our room and I'd like to give that a thorough cleaning like we did the living room. The rest of the house can wait until tomorrow. I think staying busy really helped. I've had a few rough moments, but it's been ok.

I got some really good news today too. I was given my starter month of Chantix as a free sample. I was worried about the cost of further pills, which I will need the week after next. I called Walgreens to see if my insurance will cover it. Turns out they will! My cost will be $56. Extraordinarily cheap if you consider how much cigs cost. $56 is about one carton - which would only last me about a week. I think all insurance should cover this. What they're going to save on my various heavy-smoker related illnesses over time should more than offset a few months of Chantix. I would have paid full price for it, but it's nice to know that I won't have to. I really want to put a Quit Meter on here as others have done. But I don't want to jinx myself. I'll put one up after two weeks.

P.S. Maggie - it was delicious. We tried to wait for you, but couldn't make it!

100

I smoked 100 cigarettes. JUST KIDDING!!! Still notsmoking.

This is my 100th post. Yippee. I'm in the process of adding labels to all my posts. (This is how desperate I am to be notsmoking.) I got bored with it, but I'll try to have it done soon.

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting too focused on notsmoking. It's hard to notsmoke when all I do lately is post about notsmoking. I think I'll start posting other stuff on here like I used to.

So in that spirit, let's bring back Fun Photo Friday. I live in Pierre, SD (no Mom, crazy stalkers are not going to come all the way here to kill me now). Fireworks are not allowed in the city. But the crazy folks over in Ft. Pierre (across the river for all you non-Dakotans) have no such ordinances. In 2006 we watched the utter 4th of July chaos in Ft. Pierre from the safety of the Pierre side of the river. It looked like a combination of Operation Desert Storm, Carnival, the Millenium celebration, and Armageddon. Apparently people just go ape-wild over there. Fireworks in the streets, in backyards, in parks, on sidewalks - anything goes. This picture was taken (by someone - don't know who) from the Pierre side of the river this year. It's a beautiful picture and it gives you and idea of how crazy it gets over there. Yes I know the 4th of July was over quite a while ago, but I thought the fireworks were a nice tie-in to my 100th post celebration.

Chantix Day 19, Smoke Free Day 3

I want a cigarette. I'm craving really bad right now. I don't know why the last 2 days have been so much harder than the first day. I thought each day would generally get a little easier, barring a major trauma or something. Oh wait. My 16 year old got his full, unrestricted driver's license yesterday. NO WONDER!!!

I feel really...ummm...like jittery and distracted and like I should be snapping my fingers and tapping my feet and pacing. I have this big plan for the weekend - cleaning. I want to get all the last vestiges of smoke stink out of my house. I had planned to start this tomorrow, but maybe I'll go scrub down the bathroom. Just for something to do. I also have a kind of complicated thing planned for dinner tomorrow. I could do some of the prep work tonight. (Hahaha. I just noticed that my link takes you to a previous post that begins with - "Lose a tooth or a finger?" Just keep reading - there IS a recipe [with no body parts] at the end.)

ARGH!!!!

I'm in such a weird state. I feel very confident that I will make it through the evening, but I just don't like feeling like this. It's almost like that nagging feeling that you forgot something. You just keep turning that thought over and over and over in your mind. I better go. I need to find something to do.

Chantix Day 18, Smoke Free Day 2

48 hours! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee.

Today was hard for some reason. I REALLY wanted a smoke after lunch. I couldn't quit thinking about it. Just really wanted to FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL my lungs with smoke. Isn't that absurd. It just looks stupid written down. Anyway, I made it through ok. Somehow I missed a pill along the line. The one I'm taking tonight is a morning one. Maybe that's why today was harder.

Maggie wrote a big long letter to those that will be prescribing Chantix to people and I couldn't agree more with what she had to say. But to the Chantix makers, can I add this thought - your packaging is stupid and annoying. Why why why make nervous, jittery, upset, spaced-out, fragile, and otherwise neurotic smokers claw through all this cardboard and plastic???? Have mercy. ESPECIALLY for those of us that are so orally fixated that smoking wasn't enough - we chew our nails to the nub too.

I was originally going to do a post about how I'm going to miss all the friendly people I've met around various ashtrays. You smokers all know what I mean. Where else do you see VP's chatting with janitors? I was going to point out how all those friendly people seem to have migrated "here" - meaning the Chantix blogs. Seriously, what a bunch of supportive, funny, interesting people. Let's all vow to stay this way and not become snooty, judgmental nonsmokers.

But anyway - I'm cutting these thoughts short so that I can send all my best wishes to Stan. It seems that he was reading my blog at work and someone caught the TITLE of the blog, but not the substance. I fervently hope that Stan has not been labeled a porn-monger by his work. Yikes.

(I'll change it back to "Stripped" after Stan is in the clear.)

24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, this post is not about the TV show. Jack Bauer can kiss my butt because....

I have now officially been 24 hours without a cigarette!!!

Woo hoo. I do have to admit that if someone offered me one right now, I would have an incredibly hard time saying no (and would probably say yes). But I don't have any in the house (that includes ashtrays - car ashtrays even) and I will not be going to the store or sending anyone else.

This is so much easier than it was on Day 8. I do miss the cigs, but I'm so happy this is working out. I think it's just going to get easier as I go along and I will miss them less and less. I am so optimistic and happy right. *dances around the room*

Chantix - Days 16 & 17

So far so good for quit day. I really have no urge for a cigarette - yet. I'm on my lunch break right now and I haven't been smoking at this time for the last week or so. I think tonight might be a little more difficult. But there are actually no cigarettes anywhere in the house. I'm pretty confident I can make it without a run to the store.

I really have to say that I think the directions for Chantix need to be re-evaluated. A week on the lower dose just did not cut it for me. Go back and read my Day 7 and 8 posts - I was a MESS. But here I am now a week and a half later and I feel pretty good. I'm a little nervous about tonight, but I'm not dreading it like I did before. Also on Day 8 when I tried to quit I was a complete wreck all day long. Maybe I was such a heavy smoker that a week wasn't long enough. I wish they had a way for a person to better gauge when their quit day should be. Also, I think it was beneficial for me to have a week of tapering off. For me here's what seemed (so far) to work:

Week 1 - start the pills, regular smoking
Week 2 - cut way back - I got down to about 4 on weekdays, 6 on weekends
Week 3 - quit

Maybe this wouldn't work for everyone, but it could be an option. Of course this does mean that I'll likely have to take the pills for longer, but I'm ok with that. Better the pills than the butts.

More weird dreams last night. I slept from about 7:30 pm to midnight and then was up until 4:00 am. Yuck. I'm not tired right now, but I'm sure I will be tonight. I'm going to try very hard to stay up until at least 9:00 tonight so that this doesn't happen again.

Sleep

As my regular readers (all three of them) know, I have sleep problems. The Chantix isn't helping. I keep having these weird dreams and when I wake up, I'm TOTALLY awake. I also kind of don't want to go back to sleep because the dreams are so weird. So now here I am at 3 am doing this. Bleh. To make matters worse, since I'm so tired all day I wind up taking a nap at a stupid time when I get home. I'm all messed up now. It's probably a good thing I'm not a surgeon or a trucker or someone who makes nuclear things. I really want a cigarette right now, but I don't know where they are. And I'm not quite mean enough to wake up my husband to make him give me one. My mom used to give me a bad time for "wasting" my cigarettes - I'd leave this really long butts in all the ashtrays. Well now I smoke them to the NUB, so I can't even pick out a butt to puff on. Yuck. That's so nasty isn't it? To paw through a dirty old ashtray for a cigarette - gross. I'll be so glad when this is over. Something to think about - smokers are really the only people over the age of 3 who will drop something out of their mouth onto the ground and then pick it up and put it right back in their mouth. What a fun habit.

Chantix - Day 15

Dreams. Wow. I have been having some loopy dreams. Last night it was that I slid on my back behind the entertainment center. I knew it was way too small for me to fit back there, but I also knew I was dreaming and could do it if I wanted. I have no idea why I wanted to get back there - I'm sure it's a horror of dust and cat fur. Anyway, I'm back there and then I stand up - there's plenty of room. I then decide to come out from behind the stupid thing and I tell myself, "well because I'm dreaming the whole living room is going to be gone and something really scary is going to be there." Sure enough, the whole living room was gone and I was like in the middle of the jungle. I wake up on the couch and my fat cat is sitting on my chest and I can barely breathe. So then I *really* wake up and of course there's not cat on me and I'm not in the jungle. Freaky. I'm sure there's a really slick interpretation of all this - coming out from behind smoking is scary and the big cat on me is the cigs that stop my breathing - too slick maybe? But I've had lots of weird dreams in the past week that weren't so easy to interpret. The dreams aren't really scary or unpleasant - just super strange and extraordinarily vivid. I could really feel that cat sitting on me - he's huge and weighs a ton.

Rama

Any science fictions fans reading this? I hope so. I'm not a HUGE sci-fi fan, but I do really like Arthur C. Clarke. I am currently re-reading Rendezvous with Rama and plan to follow-up with the next 3 in the series. So here's my problem. I do not function well with visual things. I can't judge distances or height or anything like that. My ceilings are all about 20 ft. tall for all I know. North is always whatever direction I'm facing. I measure distance in time - she lives 10 minutes from me. Do you get it? This book describes the inside of Rama in pretty good detail, but I can't seem to visualize any of it. It doesn't help that everything is in the metric system. So - if anyone has read this book, do you know of anywhere on line I can find like a map of the inside of it? (Does this question make me a total geek? Probably, but I accepted my geekiness long ago.)

Chantix - Day 14

I had the opportunity for a little self-test and I failed miserably. Something happened tonight that made me REALLY upset and I wound up chain-smoking 3 cigarettes in a row. So now I know I need to work on that aspect of things. I do tend to smoke a lot when I'm upset or stressed. I was actually doing really well today before that happened. Maybe I'll get a punching bag - take up boxing for stress and to work out. Too bad there's no tall buildings here - I could do that Rocky-up-the-steps thing.

Despite what happened tonight, I've really been looking forward to being done with this whole thing. I hate the idea of being "controlled" by something. I also really love looking at the Quit Meter on Maggie's site. I can't wait to put one of those on here.

Chantix - Days 12 & 13

Watched a dumb movie and fell asleep last night so no post. Nothing really new to report. I'm holding steady at about 4 cigarettes a day. I am going to take Maggie and Stan's advice and set this coming Wednesday as my quit date.

I was reading Stan's blog and he said something about the cigarettes not tasting very good. I'm kind of noticing that too. They sort of taste like....I don't know....dirt or icky coffee grounds or something. Not very pleasant. I get these cravings and then light up and....yuck. Then I have to eat or drink something to get the taste out of my mouth. Weird. I'm also noticing that it's VERY hard to see people smoking - even on TV. I guess it's a good thing I don't hang out in bars. I don't know if I'll ever be able to see my mom again! ;)

My birthday is coming up in about a month. I'm trying to look at this whole process as birthday present to myself. Maybe giving myself a few more birthdays.

Chantix - Day 11

Sorry I'm not being better about responding to all the great comments. I wound up sleeping most of the day. Of course, I did manage to get in a few cigs. I think I need to reevaluate where I am with this. Maybe setting a new quit day is the way to go. In any event, I'm way too fuzzy-headed to think about this right now. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

Chantix - Day 10

I have bronchitis. How ironic is that? I finally get around to quitting and then get sick with something I always get sick with because I smoke. Funny. I've had 3 today but I'm going to bed very soon so that will likely be it. I've been reading a lot of the other Chantix blogs. I'm glad I haven't had too many bad side effects. Other than the headache the first day there's been nothing - no stomach problems at all - and I have had some really bizarro dreams, but I have dreams like that on a regular basis (remind me some time to blog about "Hislop"). Reading the other blogs has been sooooooooo helpful. One common theme is that it seems to take people way more than one week to quit - as the directions suggest. I even asked the doctor about that today and she says that she's starting to tell people to set their quit date further out - although this means they'll likely be taking it for longer. I find that interesting. I wonder if the drug company might revise their instructions. Anyway - I'm off to lie down as this bronchitis is really wiping me out.