Dylan's Birthday (Bittersweet)

It's Dylan's birthday today. I can't tell you how much I wish that this was a picture from his party. But this picture was taken 10 years ago. Today he is 17. This is such a happy/sad time for me. It has been such an honor to watch this boy grow into a such a fine young man.

The thought of his future is so exciting to me. I can't wait to watch him take his steps out into the world and go places and do things and meet people.

At the same time I am just aching inside. This is my guy. It was he and I against the world all alone for so long. Even though I love Noah and Jeff, I still sometimes wish I could turn back the clock for one day or even just one hour. Just live in that moment when he was so small and all mine. I wish I had cherished more of those moments when I had them - I didn't realize that they were so fleeting. I didn't know he would only be a baby for blink, only be 2 for a heartbeat, and only be the sweetest 5 year old in the world for the briefest flash. The next moment he grew up and away.

I weep now for that small boy so full of wonder and love.

He is still full of wonder and I couldn't ask for a more loving young man. For those of you who read along through my terrible fall last October, I can't begin to explain how amazing he was during all of that. No son should have to take care of his mom like he had to...but he just did it. Willingly and happily and with no questions asked. This is a kid who will play with his brother for hours on end, help out his grandparents whenever they ask, give a friend a ride if they ever need one. And he does all this with gladness in his heart and a smile on his face. I can't believe that someone as self-centered and cranky as me managed to turn out this kid. I really can't take too much credit for it. He's always just been so happy. When he was about a year old my brother said, "all your kid does is sleep or smile!"


We certainly have our normal teenage kinds of ups and downs. I know that most of it is just him trying to discover who he is and where he fits in the world. I want him to discover these things. I understand that he needs to leave me and become a man who stands on his own two feet. I can say (or type) these things with all the knowledge in my head. But my heart hurts. I know I have to let him go but so much of me wants to hold on to him forever. I know that our relationship will have to rearrange. We've been through this before - from little boy at home to school kid...from having him on my own to sharing him with Jeff and Noah and him sharing me...from really a kid at home now to a young man with a car and a job and his own life. We will get to a place where he is my adult child and I learn to love all the things about the man he becomes. I will learn to someday love his wife and the grandchildren he gives me. Most of me looks forward to all of this.


But I keep having to take a break while I write this to wipe away the tears I have for that sweetest and smallest of boys who stole my heart the first moment I saw him. I want to crawl into this picture and curl up next to him...smell the sweetness of the back of his neck...feel the softness of that small boy body...hold that little boy hand...and just never ever let him go.



I love you D.